Jingle All the Way Page #2

Enough to drive a man insane.

Myron Larabee.

Howard Langston.

I'm late because it's the

busiest time of the year for me.

Christmas letters people send to

folks they talk to once a year.

And relatives sending gifts

they'll send back anyway.

How many toiletry kits

does a man need? Then what?

Stupid letters from kids to Santa!

"Dear Santa, can you send me a bike

and a Slinky?"

No! Your father's laid off!

As if I didn't have enough pressure,

my son sends me out...

...for some goofy toy, some fruity

robot named "Turtle Man."

Turbo Man.

My son wants one too.

You know it's all a ploy.

Man, don't you watch TV?!

We are being set up by

rich and powerful toy cartels!

These fat cats use the working class,

like me and you!

They spend billions of dollars on

advertisements...

...and use subliminal messages to

suck your children's minds out!

I know, I went to junior college.

And I studied psychology!

I know what's going on!

They make a kid feel like garbage

if you, the father...

...who works 24/7 delivering mail...

...to make alimony payments to a woman

who had everyone at the office...

...but me!

Then the toy breaks and you can't

fix it because it's cheap plastic!

I'd like to walk up in that office,

grab one of those guys and...

...choke him until his eyes pop out!

Shouldn't wear fur.

Back off! I'm first!

Turbo Man, you're mine!

Move it! Move it!

Get out of my way!

Who wants Booster?

The Turbo Man dolls,

they're all gone!

-There must be one.

-There are none!

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

-I need a Turbo Man.

-Me too.

Do you have any in back?

Why's he laughing?

Michael, these guys are looking

for a Turbo Man.

They're looking for Turbo Man.

Hey, everybody, these two

are looking for a Turbo Man.

Shut up!

Yeah, what's so funny?

Where have you guys been? Turbo Man's

only the hottest selling toy ever.

But we got plenty of Turbo Man's

saber-toothed tiger, Booster.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

That's better.

There must be a Turbo Man

here somewhere.

The last one just left.

A lady had it on layaway.

A lady? What lady?

Short...

...with a fur coat!

Sorry, buddy!

Give me this.

This is war.

Oh, poor baby!

Hey, lady!

Hey, hold it!

Wait!

Wait, lady!

I need that Turbo Man!

Wait!

I'm Turbo Man.

No, I am!

You're always Turbo Man.

-You be Dementor.

-Heck, no.

Cut it out.

-Hi, Liz.

-Oh, hi, Ted.

It's Christmas Eve and you're

slaving over a hot stove.

"Mom of the Year."

It's no big deal.

And modest too.

Looks like you could use

some "you time."

Go upstairs, take a bath. I'll watch

the boys, finish up with the cookies.

Go on.

You deserve it.

Well, okay, but, you know...

I know, sugar cookies.

Bake 1 2 to 1 5 minutes...

...till golden brown.

Ted's got everything under control!

Pipe down in there!

Merry Christmas!

Langston residence.

Howard! How's it going out there?

Everything okay?

Fine. I need to speak to Liz.

Could you get...?

Excuse me, but your wife's cookies

are out of this world.

What? Who told you

you can eat my cookies?

I'm just helping Liz out a little

in the kitchen.

I need to speak to my wife, so could

you get her on the phone, please?

She may be showering, should I check?

No!

I mean, no. It's fine.

On your way out, tell her

I will be a few minutes late.

But she shouldn't worry.

She won't. I mean, I'm here and...

Oh, these cookies! I gotta get

the recipe from Liz.

Put that cookie down!

Now!

Is something bothering you?

At Christmas there's

a high incidence of breakdowns.

There's the next batch.

I'll give Liz your message.

Hey, look who it is!

Still on the hunt?

Sorry about whacking you.

Got caught up in the friendly

spirit of competition.

That's all right.

I was thinking you'd have

done the same thing.

Then I realized we're the same

kind of person.

I doubt that.

Outside of the brouhaha in the store,

we could form a team.

You know, like Starsky and Hutch.

Like lke and Tina.

Maybe we could do it!

Search and destroy. Divide

and conquer! What do you say?

Thanks, Myron...

...but no, thank you.

Let's do it, man!

Let's be a team!

Gee, Myron, I think

you're a good guy and all...

...but this I would like

to do by myself.

You understand...

...right?

I understand you!

I know what's going on.

Mister, with your fancy cashmere coat

and little suede shoes.

I was good enough to talk to in line,

but not to be on your team!

That's racism! That's what

Jesse Jackson talks about.

They got a delivery of

Turbo Man at Toy Works!

-Turbo Man!

-Turbo Man!

Piece of junk!

Officer...

You broke my little mirror.

License and registration, please.

Is there a problem, officer?

Listen up, people!

As to your first question: Yes!

The rumors are true.

We have received a small quantity

of the Turbo Man action figure.

I'm not going to ask you people

to be quiet again!

Here's how this will work.

Form an orderly line so an employee

can hand you a numbered ball.

These balls...

...will then be drawn in lottery

fashion to see who gets a doll.

If you're not one of them...

...we have plenty of Turbo Man's

pet tiger, Booster, in stock.

We don't want it! We don't want it!

Who wants Booster?

In accordance with the laws

of supply and demand...

...the price of each

figure has doubled.

I got it! I got it!

-He maced me!

-I got it!

I got it! I got it!

He got two! He got two!

Get the mailman!

Get him!

He's lying!

That's my ball!

Rodney King! Rodney King!

This is my ball. Stay.

Hi, little girl.

Look what I've got.

A shiny red ball.

Want to trade?

Give me the ball!

Sicko! Pervert!

Get your hands off my kid!

I need the ball!

I need that toy!

I need that toy.

-Pervert!

-I'm not a pervert!

I just was looking for

Turbo Man doll!

Hey, come here.

Come here.

You want a Turbo Man?

Forget it. I'm not

gonna sit on your lap.

That's not my bag. Get it?

You know, little boy,

with your attitude...

...I don't think I'll

give you access to this.

Tony, show him.

That was taken this morning.

How do I know this isn't a scam?

Forget it, Tony.

He doesn't want our help.

Wait a minute, guys.

We're businessmen. I'm sure

we can work out an agreement.

You got cash, we got the doll.

How much?

Merry Christmas!

A Merry Christmas to you.

Are you crazy?

Santa doesn't deliver

in broad daylight.

Excuse me. I may be wrong...

...but you're not the real Santa.

Really? And you're not the kind

of guy who's got enough foresight...

...to get his kid a Turbo Man

before Christmas Eve.

Show a little respect

for the suit, huh?

Do you want the doll?

Come on, I got a parade to go to...

...and I haven't yet seen

this Turbo Man doll.

Hang a left.

He's a little boy

Who Santa Claus forgot

Beautiful.

Up here.

I love this time of year.

Christmas carols...

...snowflakes, Santa Clauses.

Now what?

Are you Dan Rather?

What are you, the question king?

Chill.

All right, keep your hands

where I can see them.

Password.

Jingle bells, Batman smells.

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