Jingle All the Way Page #3

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, no.

You have no idea.

Tony, get the man his Turbo Man.

Got it.

I gotta tell you, Santa...

...there's something here

that doesn't seem quite...

...kosher.

Kosher?

This, coming from a guy who assaulted

a toddler for a superball?

Listen, we provide a service here.

We don't do this for us.

We do it for the kids.

For the kids?

For every kid who ever

sat down on Santa's lap.

Every little girl who left cookies

and milk for Santa on Christmas night.

Every boy who opens a gift Christmas

morning and finds clothes...

...instead of toys.

It breaks my heart.

There it is.

That'll be 300.

Dollars?

No, chocolate kisses!

Yes, dollars!

I can't believe this.

What happened to your lofty ideals?

I thought you did this for the kids.

Well, sure.

I don't see why we can't make

some money in the process.

Take it.

Count it.

Put it in the safe.

Don't open that up!

Well, that's

the multilingual version.

It's fun and educational.

I wouldn't...

Of course,

there's some assembly required.

Let me get that.

Put it in the box and...

Forget it. Give me the money back.

All sales are final.

You know what you are?

Nothing but a bunch of sleazy

con men in red suits.

What?

You heard me.

Con men, thieves, degenerates,

low-lifes, thugs, criminals!

In the North Pole,

them are fighting words, partner.

Put 'em up!

Relax, buddy.

I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus.

Are you chicken?

Get him!

Shut up!

I'm gonna deck your halls, bub.

Little buddy!

You're a naughty boy!

Who's gonna be next?

Dog pile!

It's the Grinch!

Scatter!

Who are you?

Hey, buddy!

This is the sloppiest bust

I've ever seen in my entire career.

Detective Lang, undercover.

I've been working on this case

for the last 3 years...

...and you come barging in here like a

bunch of terrorists at a tea party!

Wait till the commissioner finds out.

He's going to hit the roof!

Now get your act together

and arrest someone!

Go!

I'm not going back to the joint!

Put them in the van and lock them up!

Come on.

Come on, not now!

You're so considerate,

bringing all this holiday cheer.

Christmas comes but once a year.

You're an amazing man, Ted.

I wish every husband

was more like you.

Thanks. We should get together

and swap recipes.

What's the reindeer's name?

I named him Ted, after my dad.

Your dad is so cool. I wish

my dad did stuff like this.

He never used to. Not until

he and my mom split up.

Really?

Maybe your parents should get

a divorce. Did wonders for my dad.

Hot chocolate?

How you doing, buddy?

Hi, Dad. I knew you'd call.

Let me talk to your mom.

-You can't.

-Why not?

She's next door petting Ted.

She's what?

Are you on your way?

The parade's gonna start soon.

Get your mother.

-Are you?

-Am I what?

Coming home soon?

Yes, immediately.

Now please get your mother.

Before you left, you promised

that you'd be at the parade.

You haven't been here all day,

so you can't miss it.

Jamie, please...

'Cause when someone makes a promise,

they should keep it.

It's like what Turbo Man says:

"Always keep your promises if you want

to keep your friends."

Enough!

Enough of this Turbo Man, okay?

I've had it up to here.

If there's anyone I don't

want advice from, it's Turbo Man!

Now, get your mother.

I'm sorry, Jamie.

Look...

What would you know about

keeping your promises? You never do!

You never do anything you

say you're going to do!

Ever!

Damn you, Howard.

Here you go, my man.

This'll warm you up.

Cheers.

You!

Peace.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Right.

Any luck finding the doll?

No.

Me neither.

Maybe this will help.

What the hell?

So I couldn't find the kid a doll.

Does that make me a bad father?

No.

But yelling at him

for no reason...

...that makes me a bad father.

We get one chance a year to prove

we're not screwups and what happens?

We screw it up.

I remember a few years ago...

...I wanted to do something

special for Jamie.

So...

...I built him his own clubhouse.

It came out great.

Well, I mean, the door

was a little crooked, right?

And the roof wasn't straight,

but you should've seen his face.

When he saw that, he was so excited.

We played in the clubhouse all day.

He even made us have dinner in it.

I was the hero then.

Look at me now.

He's gonna need serious therapy, man.

Don't say that.

I know what I'm talking about.

See, I never forgave my father.

One Christmas I wanted a special toy:

Johnny-7 OMA gun.

You remember those?

I remember the commercial.

Two kids playing in the back yard.

"Johnny to Peter, enemy sighted."

"Roger there. Open fire."

Then Johnny whips out his

Johnny-7 OMA gun. Seven guns in one.

Thing looked like a blast.

But, of course, with my old man...

...Christmas was just another

opportunity to let me down.

I never got the Johnny-7 OMA.

Sorry to hear that.

Don't mean nothing.

Ever heard of Scott Sherman?

Yeah, CEO of Sherman Industries.

He was my old neighbor...

...and his dad

got him a Johnny-7 OMA gun.

You know what happened?

He became a billionaire.

And me...

...well...

...l'm just a loser...

...with no future.

Here's to you, Dad.

I can't let this happen.

It's just a doll.

It's just a stupid

little plastic doll.

Action figure.

There's gotta be one somewhere!

You say you've been looking

everywhere for a Turbo Man doll?

You say you'd do just about

anything to get one?

KQRS has good news for you.

If you're the first caller to

identify Santa's reindeer...

...you'll get the hottest toy since

Johnny-7 OMA.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,

Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

I don't think so, buddy.

Come on.

Give me the phone.

Give me the phone!

Come on, answer it.

KQRS, hello.

-I got the answer!

-No, you don't!

-Why did you do that?!

-9-1 -1! 9-1 -1!

I got through!

You guys, the radio station's just

2 blocks down, on Wabasha.

I got...

...the answer.

I got the answer.

Bye-bye! Sorry!

You barked up the wrong tree.

I can run like this for miles.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,

Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

I'm having a good time! Bye!

KQRS, you're on the air.

Randy, Jermaine, Tito...

No, not even close. Sorry.

Maybe this'll put us in the mood.

Let me in! I got the answer!

Open up!

I got the answer! I got the answer!

Open up!

I got a madman in my studio.

Help me!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,

Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

I couldn't get you on the phone.

Did I win?

I won! I won!

No! Wait, wait, wait!

Too late. I already got

the right answer. I won.

I don't need the answer to win!

I got this!

What's that?

This, Mr. Track Star,

is a homemade explosive device!

A bomb?

Yes, in layman's terms...

...a bomb! So back up!

You built a bomb?

I didn't have to.

Don't you read the news?

These things come through

the mail every day! I kept one.

So give me the doll,

or I'll blow everyone up!

Are you crazy? Put this thing away!

It's not worth it!

To me it is! So back up!

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