Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work Page #5

And it breaks my heart

to see it die here.

It won't die here.

- That's-that's-

only that's killing me.

And I was thinking-

- All right, you're not going

to lose it.

We won't let this go.

And I know it's your w-

your work of love.

- I really think it's good.

I really think...

I know.

Okay.

Onward and upward.

Oh!

Hello, press!

Be kind.

Not too close.

Thank you.

Hello.

I'm very nervous.

I don't like opening nights.

I think you should celebrate

second nights

when you're a success.

I think anyone that celebrates

opening nights is a fool,

because you're not-that's-

the opening night is your walk

to the executioner.

So I will be very, very happy

tomorrow if all goes well,

and very smug,

and I will throw some diva scene

about something

when I know I have the power.

Right now, I don't know

if have the power.

You got enough glitter?

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, God, yes.

Plenty.

Plenty of glitter.

Oh, shut that stupid b*tch up.

Jesus!

At the end of the show,

Johnny Carson,

on the air,

turned to me and said,

"You're going to be a star."

Vaginas drop.

I did not know this.

I am 75 years old,

and I tell you,

I haven't peaked.

And that is why I'm going to go

out that door

and the door after that

and the door after that

and the door after that

and the door after that,

and I invite all of you.

Come with me!

Thank you.

Whoa.

Okay.

- That was pretty

extraordinary.

All stood up right at the end.

In America, if this goes out

in America,

we love you, but you do stand up

all the time

at the end of shows whether-

you know, like you're

supposed to or something.

Here, they don't,

except for this show.

What a triumph!

- Not a triumph

till we read the papers.

- I know a triumph

when I see one.

Tonight was a triumph.

I've never laughed so much.

Thank you very much.

Sorry to bother you.

You're not bothering me.

I thought you were brilliant.

- Are you feeling all the love

that we have here for you?

No.

We'll feel it tomorrow

after the reviews.

You were such a nice audience.

Thank you.

Now, let me ask you,

when will we

find out about the reviews?

Tomorrow morning first thing.

I'm pretty sure they're

going to be fantastic.

And what does it say?

- "Comedy, tragedy, surgery,

and Rivers isn't going quietly."

Okay.

- "If the energy dips slightly

towards the end,

that is understandable

given the star's age."

- They only gave me three stars

out of five.

Okay, Leicester Square.

"All this play-acting

is an excuse

"for a night of 'Me, me' Joan.

"She is not short on self-pity,

"and a passage

about her relationship

"with her daughter

is pretty low-grade schmaltz,

mind you."

It's so wrong.

It ends in a joke, you ass.

Exactly, that's why;

he's just not getting

the theater.

"Longer exposure to her

even in a small theater

"betrays a husky weakness

of voice

that some may find monotonous."

And I'm thinking, Joce,

do I want to take this

into New York?

Do I want to sit in a taxi

in New York in six months

and hear this

and see this again?

I don't know.

- Yeah.

I don't know, Jocelyn.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I am not going to walk in

to New York City

and be hurt the way

Fun City hurt me.

My acting is my one

sacred thing in my life,

and I will not have anyone

hurt me with that.

You can say

I'm not a good comedian.

It doesn't bother me.

You say you didn't like me

as an actress,

you've killed me.

And I don't want that

in New York.

But I know I'm an actress.

It's all about acting.

My career

is an actress's career,

and I play a comedian.

So it's over.

It's over.

No one will ever take me

seriously as an actress.

Don't be downhearted.

Are you downhearted?

I'm not down-I'm just...

It's not what I thought

was going to happen.

What I thought was going

to happen was,

we were going to sail in

from Edinburgh,

everyone was going to love it,

and then we were going to pick

our producer

and then move it forward

and then change it,

but not this, like-

and of course,

there's no Billy around.

Billy is never around

in trouble.

And this is in trouble,

you know.

Anyhow...

The play is over,

and it hurts very much,

but I got to take a deep breath

and start again.

It wouldn't kill you

to get me another commercial.

Just remember, when they

come in and ask for a man,

I can be very butch.

So she'll do anything

and really get into it

like she loves it.

Okay.

- Okay, well, if nobody

has anything else,

I'm very depressed.

Bye.

- Bye, Steve.

- Okay, bye.

I don't want to retire.

I don't want to go

and sit in the sun.

I don't want to go and learn

to garden.

I paint.

Who cares?

Hello, Emily Hope.

- Hi, guys.

Pleasure to meet you.

Explain to us

what you're offering.

Yes.

I will do anything.

I will knock my teeth out

and do DentAssure

or whatever it is.

I mean, she's done...

- I will wear a diaper.

I don't give a sh*t.

I think I should...

- Joan has a fanaticism,

a maniacal focus to succeed,

and works at it every day.

I remember once meeting

with Richard Pryor,

and I sat with him

and spent an hour with him,

about his career,

and I said "Okay, Richard,

"what we're going to do is,

"we're gonna do this,

we're going to do that,

"and we're gonna plan on this,

and then in the next year,

we're going to do this,

and we're going to do that."

And he looked at me,

and he says,

"Larry, that's all great,

but what the f***

do we do Monday?"

That's where Joan is:

"What the f*** do we

do Monday?"

What is this?

- That's my thing.

I've been reading.

I am holding dossiers

of all the people

for the Celebrity Apprentice

that we pulled off

of the internet.

"Brande."

B- R-A-N-D-E.

"Turn-ons:

Taking in a good movie

"while spending time

with loved ones

and my beautiful puppy,

Mercedes."

Aww.

"Turn-offs:
Negative people

who are unkind

and have no respect

for others."

Well, she's going to hate me.

Yeah, exactly.

- I'm doing

Celebrity Apprentice

because it's face time on NBC

and NBC has not let me be on NBC

since the Carson show.

- I didn't want her to do it.

She didn't want to do it.

I thought it was F-class people,

but it is face time,

prime-time network.

- And I think they'd be stupid

to put me off

the first four shows.

But I may be very free

the second half of October.

I think they're not going

to throw me off in the beginning

because I'm the only one

kind of that's a name.

Even though Donald says,

"These internationally known"-

"Entrepreneurs."

"Entrepreneur-celebrities."

- And you know, Billy,

I'm going to say that

in the press release,

that I was told that Paul Newman

was going to be...

I am actually very excited

about Celebrity Apprentice,

because Melissa, my daughter,

is going to be

on the show with me,

which means we'll have a lot

of time to spend together.

You haven't had

your hair done yet?

No.

Jesus f***ing Christ, Melissa.

- Why?

It's fine.

You've got 40 minutes.

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