Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work Page #6

That's more than enough.

- All right,

let me move over here.

That's more than enough, Mom.

- No, it's not.

- For my hair, yes, it is.

- All right.

Whatever.

Melissa red-eyed in

from L.A. This morning

and we start taping

Celebrity Apprentice tonight.

You got to stop smoking

immediately.

I went to a pulmonary guy today.

What?

Am I boring you?

- No, no, no.

I'm listening.

I brought all my gum with me.

I'm down to, like,

two or three a day.

That's it.

I'm telling you...

I know, but that's, you know-

be supportive

that I'm down to that.

- He said women

react differently

to cigarettes than men.

- All I'm saying is, I'm down

to, like, two, three a day.

- He said more women

are dying of lung cancer

than breast cancer.

And nobody's discussing it.

So that's very interesting.

- Well, I'm down to, like,

two, three, a day, so...

- Yeah, but I'm just

telling you...

- I'm just saying I know.

- You're really loading a gun.

- I know, but I'm just saying,

at least be supportive

that I've gotten down to that.

- He scared the bejesus

out of me.

The great pressure is,

what if she gets voted off

ahead of me?

It's going to be

very traumatic.

I would rather

I get voted off ahead of her.

I know that

I will always hold back.

I know that and so...

because I don't want ever

to come out

brighter than Melissa

and smarter than Melissa.

I just don't want-

I don't compete with her

on that level.

- I believe that consciously

she would believe that,

and then even if I did win,

she would say she held back,

but I don't think

she really could.

Okay, see you later.

- In the business,

you have to put yourself first.

You got to protect yourself.

And my mother will tell you

that she only wants me to win,

but then she'll do something

without realizing it

that is very destructive.

And I think it's

a very tough dynamic,

because I truly think

it's completely subconscious

with her.

Will you open that?

Okay.

- That's a nice

Dooney and Bourke bag.

- These are

very nice goodie bags.

Yeah.

I feel very out of place.

I'm the oldest by far.

They all were talking

and chatty,

and for a long time,

I stood by myself,

and I felt very isolated.

- Well, see, I think you also

bring a lot of that on yourself.

I think you don't make any-

like tonight,

you made no effort to be,

like, welcoming.

I stood there-

Well, no, but I'm saying,

but you were

on your BlackBerry so fast,

and I tried to introduce you

to people,

and you were already like,

"Uh, hi, bye,"

because you get so shy,

and that's what people

don't know about you.

Hell, I wouldn't walk

over to you.

Well, they didn't.

- But you made-

but you set it up for that.

You don't realize

that you do that...

All stand-ups

are innately insecure.

Who would stand on a stage

by themselves and say, "Laugh"?

"Laugh at me.

Laugh with me.

I don't care.

Just laugh."

And I think that's just sort of

the nature of the beast.

Overall, I just-

sort of my perception

growing up in the world

of comedians:

They're all very damaged,

and they need that reassurance.

It's all a cover.

It's been a bloodbath.

They don't play fair.

They cheat.

- So Melissa was fired,

um, on Tuesday,

and I know Joan was very upset.

She is a snake.

- Annie Duke was on a team

with Melissa

and absolutely conspired

to get Melissa fired.

- Annie Douche,

that f***ing moron.

Would you right now, Graham,

onto my blog

and onto my Twitter,

it should be,

"Annie Douche, that moron,

she should kiss my ass."

She should kiss my Jewish ass,

but not with those

non-kosher lips.

Not with those big pig lips.

That's it:

"She should kiss my Jewish ass,

but not with those

big pig lips."

Do you think that's too rough?

So tell me, you didn't think it

was going to get vicious?

- No, I just thought

it was at least going to be

moderately fair.

And my concern is

how I will be portrayed

because I have more of

an image issue than you do.

So that's a little unsettling.

- It meant you're going

to look very angry,

and they already said,

when you left

you really called them

all kinds of names.

So that's there.

- But if they cut it to show

that I was telling the truth...

- Oh, they're not going

to cut it to show

you were telling the truth,

'cause they don't care.

They're going to show

that you left pissed off.

But you also came back,

and you also worked,

and you also-

that's all right.

I think it makes you

more interesting,

Melissa, frankly.

- You have done

really an amazing job,

but, Melissa, you're fired.

- Whore!

Pit viper.

I want my,

and I want it now.

Not getting without it.

- It makes me very upset

to see her that hurt.

It wasn't even hurt.

It was the frustration

of the lies.

It is such a cruel business.

Sometimes, I just want

to say to her,

"Why in God's name

are you opening yourself up

to such punishment?"

I mean, mine is not a choice.

Mine is, uh...

Mine is-I always say,

it's like, uh-

people say, "Why are you

in the business?"

Ask a nun why she's a nun.

That's my drive at 4:00

in the morning in the airport.

It's-I have no choice.

And that's where I was

from the time

I could figure it out.

No question where I was going.

There were no drugs.

There was no sex.

There was no any-

nothing until I got my job.

That's where I was going,

and just go away.

Mohammed, it's going to be

a long evening.

We're doing two shows tonight.

- Joan Rivers?

- Yes?

- Do you mind autographing this

for me?

- Oh, my goodness.

Yes, of course.

I love you.

- Every Wednesday night

when I'm in New York,

I work in some tiny little club

where I can practice my act.

I just talk about anything

and everything that annoys me.

Thank you.

- You don't get the recognition

you deserve.

Damn right, William.

Okay, see?

I have a fan.

I have William.

The minute you're not angry

about things,

the minute you're not upset

about things,

what are you talking about?

"Oh, my grandson was so cute."

It's not my comedy.

I'm furious about everything,

furious about everything.

Good things don't always happen

to good people,

and I'm very angry about it.

But if I didn't have the anger,

I wouldn't be a comedian.

Anger fuels the comedy.

I hate everybody.

I hate old people.

I hate ugly children.

I hate fat people.

I hated China.

I hate whiners.

Oh, I hate dead people.

I even have the three wise men

who I hate.

I love anal sex 'cause you

can do other things, you know?

It's like...

You can iron.

You can read a book.

Get your emails

on your BlackBerry.

- Well, right now,

we're getting

the 17-foot table up the stairs.

These two guys just walked it up

seven flights and...

Bring it right here.

Today is Thanksgiving.;

favorite time of the year,

favorite time of the year.

Melissa and Cooper come,

of course,

and then I invite my friends,

and many of them are strays

or single women or my neighbors

from downstairs.

It's sad.

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