Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights Page #4

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'and one shouldn't even talk

too much about them.

'Above all, he says,

one should not tease them.

'This has me worried. I've been talking about the

Lights non-stop ever since I arrived in Norway.

'Have I displeased

the Tricky Lady?

'I head away from Kautokeino.

'North, of course.

'This is the route to the coast that Mikkel Isak and

his herd will soon embark on. It will take them weeks.

'Me, a mere matter of hours.

'But overcast skies taunt me

yet again.

'In Alta, I'll be certain

of a magical night in the cold,

'but it won't be marvelling

at the Northern Lights.

'It will be indoors. '

Solvi, look at this!

'This is the Alta Igloo Hotel.

'Solvi Monsen is its manager. '

It's so weird.

Can you see my breath?

It's that cold,

but in a strange, dry way.

Yes, the temperature inside is about

minus 4. These huge ice doorways.

Ice animals. There's a penguin.

I think these are huskies,

wagging their husky tails.

Little bright faces, waiting for instructions.

Maybe this is a bit of the Northern Lights?

And snow bears. Hmm.

Look at this...

There's a little snow church

in here. Look at this snow church!

This is extraordinary.

We do weddings here.

Oh, how fantastic!

The Ice Hotel lasts

till about mid-April.

It melts completely? Yes, from

mid-April, it starts melting very slowly.

What if you have guests and it starts

to melt...? Look at this chandelier!

It looks as if it's made of crystal.

I know, but it's made of ice.

'It is, of course,

a charming, fairy-tale experience,

'until you realise that if it is a hotel,

that means you're meant to sleep in it. '

That is a glimpse that makes my heart beat

a little faster. Is that the bedrooms? Yeah.

Ooh, ooh! It's freezing!

Just to get my bed ready...

This has got somebody still inside it.

How awful, a little corpse is in this one.

No, just... just having a laugh!

OK, spirits are very high now.

Although I've sort of washed, I'll take my

trousers and top off and sleep in my underclothes.

But I've removed the maquillage

cos I like to go to bed fresh.

OK, guys, stick around if you want

to, but this is bedtime for me.

It's just the way I am.

I can't...

I can't go to bed in a hat!

Oh, God! This is the worst thing

I've ever done.

Anyway, come on. Let's just do it.

I can't really go on much more

without being rude.

This is what I've been wearing all day,

so that's not so rude. That comes off.

This is a nightmare.

Don't sleep in these socks. Even if

my feet aren't particularly sweaty,

they'll freeze to a crisp kind of cheese

crackers, so on with the cashmere socks.

Then the trousers come off, so you must leave cos

underneath it's quite tragic. Children may be watching.

Trousers... Don't watch me do the

trousers. Don't watch me do my trousers!

Everything is black under here.

It's my life really.

I wish I was a divorce lawyer.

I'd set up shop straight outside.

Some of you who are planning

a honeymoon... A honeymoon?!

This is getting silly. Here we are,

the gloves, the scarf, the hat...

The fleece. The cheese...

The... jacket, the jacket.

Is that comfortable? It's

a nightmare. What am I doing here?

My breath hanging in the air could

say it for me, but good night!

And if I'm not with you again,

remember, I thought the world of you.

Well, now...

I've just woken up.

This was such a good sleep.

I even took off my gloves.

And I even took off my scarf.

And I took off my... socks.

You see, it was warm.

It's been a great success.

I might not do it again.

Not because it was horrid,

but because it was such a palaver.

'I'm now right at the top

of the Norwegian land mass.

'I've had a fantastic time.

'It would be churlish

to dwell on regret,

'but as I reach the sea again, the road-hugging

fjords which give out on to the Arctic Ocean,

'the facts are that the land of the

Northern Lights has not quite delivered.

'To get help,

I bite the bullet and turn west.

'The city of Tromso boasts unrivalled

scientific credentials in studying the aurora.

'Maybe Professor Truls Lynne Hansen

of the Northern Lights Observatory

'can help me improve on that one

brief glimpse early in my trip. '

We went outside and I saw this

green slash across the sky. Yes.

And I thought how frightening

it must have been.

Long ago, were people afraid of the Northern

Lights? Yes, a bit. You shouldn't wave to it.

Some people still believe that.

And don't whistle to it.

It would come down and take you. If you

waved...? It would take you away from the ground.

Can you explain to me actually

what it is, what's happening?

It's fast electric particles coming in from

space and hitting the top of the atmosphere.

The energy of the particles is converted

into light. And that's what we see.

So they come from the sun?

We can make a drawing.

You must do it, you must show me.

We can make a drawing here.

If you have the Earth here and the rotating

axis that way, so this is the night side.

Night side, day side.

And the sun over here somewhere.

From the sun, there is a tremendous

wind blowing called the solar wind.

It'll hit the Earth's magnetic field.

It's a collision between the two.

That's where this huge clash,

this battle is taking place?

'As Truls' drawing gets more complicated,

I must admit I begin to panic slightly.

'Particle physics has never been

my strong point.

'But I now understand

that the Earth is a giant magnet

'and its North and South Poles attract electric

particles towards them with spectacular results. '

Like the moon and the sun and even a comet

is covering only a small fraction of the sky.

But the Northern Lights, it's all

the sky from horizon to horizon.

It's all over.

So it's so grand that way.

Truls, this is a book

I had as a child.

It had this drawing of the Southern Lights, I think,

because here is a penguin. We don't have penguins.

The penguin in Antarctica

will see the same as you see here.

Is that a good drawing? Yes, it is

a typical aurora that you will see.

This is what I wanted to see more

than anything - the curtain effect.

It's a folded curtain hanging down from space and

the electrons coming down along the lines here.

When it hits this atmosphere, it will emit

light, so this is a very correct drawing.

Truls, I just hope I get to see it.

I hope that one green flash isn't my only glimpse of

the aurora borealis. I really hope you get that glimpse.

Find a dark place with no disturbing

light and then look for it.

Just be patient, keep looking? Yes, keep

looking. Don't wave? In a clear sky, keep looking.

WHISTLES:

None of that? No, don't do that.

No, I won't. Then it will

take you away and keep you.

'It's now or never

to take Truls' advice.

'The weather near Tromso

is uncertain,

'but local guide Kjetil Skogli promises me we'll

find the lights, even if it takes till morning. '

I've just got to tell you what I've got on

- two pairs of socks, one thick, one thin, long johns.

On top, thermal long johns, a vest,

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