Joe Dirt Page #4

the right part of the story, brother.

- And the snail can talk?

- Yeah.

The aliens gave him powers.

They made a voice spot.

Dude, I'm just saying it's dull.

All right? This ain't fun.

Look at that little piece of char.

You need explosions, stuff going on.

No wonder this thing's going under.

You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.

I got these two sticks.

Dang. These are yours? These are

Roman candles! It's good stuff!

This thing full of lighter fluid.

The Roman candle.

Step back a little bit.

That's what I'm talking about!

It's beautiful.

Beautiful? I'm looking for righteously

kick-ass. You know what we need?

Gasoline. Yeah.

Breakfast of champions.

All right, you might want to take

a few extra steps back on this one.

Man. What'd I trip over?

There's something metal

sticking out of the ground.

You okay?

What is this thing, man?

We should take it over to the lab

over in the next town. Los Alamos.

That symbol looks very stern.

That's definitely what we should do.

That's the right thing.

But first...

Yeah, jam that in the gas bucket.

We'll shoot fireballs at it.

We got to step way back.

It'll be fun.

Look at that sh*t!

Oh, man, we're going to get

so busted. Let's get out of here.

What happened, man?

You tripped over that object

in the ground. You're knocked out.

That thing's an atom bomb, man.

I got an idea.

"Rubbernecker's tour bus... "

"... the Grand Canyon's number one

purveyor of fine bus tours. "

I still don't see why we're going

to their tour bus company.

Don't you see? All the tourists at the

Canyon that day my parents lost me...

...they had cameras.

You can't tell me in all

those pictures they took...

...there won't be some that

accidentally have me and my parents.

The company will have records

of who used the tour that day.

That was more than ten years ago.

Besides, they won't just hand

the records over to us.

We're just an Indian and some guy.

You can't have "no" in your heart.

"No" is not an option, brother.

You're not just an Indian,

you're Kicking Wing.

All right? And one day, you'll

be Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.

Then you should change your name

to Kicking Ass.

Oh, man! Swerve them potholes.

You know, because of the atom bomb.

One swing and this here ball-peen

hammer will trigger this A-bomb...

...and it'll blow up the whole city,

maybe even half the country.

Now here's what I need.

I need you to give me the records...

...of everybody who toured

the Grand Canyon on them buses...

...June 13, 1979.

I'm not messing around.

I hit it and it goes bang. All right?

Now while I'm up here waiting...

- You.

- Me?

Show me them boobies.

Now even you liked the way

that chick looked. Didn't you?

"Even me?" What's that mean?

Just saying, I'm beginning to doubt

your hetero street credentials.

You never put the moves on Brandy.

Well, she's too beautiful.

She's way too hot for me.

He has no idea that Brandy

even likes him.

- His voice is so sexy.

- I wonder what he looks like.

You're there with an atom bomb.

Could be fat man or little boy.

We'll nail that down later.

Did you get the names you wanted?

Yeah, I did, but by the way,

it was no atom bomb.

Turns out some skateboarder slapped

a Biohazard band sticker...

...on the side of this septic tank

for an RV.

Cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away.

Yeah. Who hasn't seen

that scenario played out?

It's just an old crapper tank, people.

- It's poo!

- Take it away!

Stop it!

- It stinks! Get it out of here!

- Somebody help me! Help me!

Is it done? How much is in there?

I got the poo on me.

You are so pathetic.

They decided not to arrest me.

They said being covered in that

stinky stuff was punishment enough.

Don't you get it?

Stinky stuff is your milieu.

Okay? This is your deal:

You are an underachievement

nexus in the universe.

It'll always be like this, Joey.

But you got to keep going.

I won't quit. That's not an option.

You gotta keep on keeping on. Life's

a garden, dig it, make it work for you.

You never give up, man.

That's my philosophy. You hear that?

What drives me crazy and fascinates me

at the same time...

.. is you are so unrelentingly

upbeat about your plight.

I need more. I'll be honest,

I want to see you in here tomorrow.

I want to hear more

of the saga of Joe Dirt.

All right. Thanks, guys.

All right, Joe.

Yeah, baby.

You're listening

to the Zander Kelly show on KXLA.

All right. Good morning, troops. This

is Zander Kelly, and you, of course...

...are careening headlong into another

hellish day in that tiny existence...

...you laughingly refer to...

...as your life.

I'm here with Joe Dirt.

The tale couldn't be told in one day.

We asked you back today.

The joint looks great, the toilets

are freshly scrubbed...

...the floor is spic-and-span...

Did you use the stuff

with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?

They clean the bowl

so you don't have to!

- No, I didn't.

- Yesterday-

Provide a back-story for the listeners.

You were covered in crap...

...and you're a complete loser.

Have I nailed the pertinent facts?

Let me emphasize to the listeners

those are your words, not mine.

Sorry, Billy Jack.

So now you have a bunch of names...

...of people who might have

a photograph of you and your parents.

Right, a big bunch of names.

So now I got to span the country...

...to find these people to see if

anybody's got a photo from that day.

"Anderson, Anders, Aznoff... "

You mean, all these people were

on them tour buses that day?

It will take forever, man.

But I got to do it.

I wish you luck.

I hope you find

what you're looking for.

Remember that town

you're always talking about.

- Yeah, Silvertown, man.

- Yes, Silvertown.

You make it sound wonderful.

So you've always got Silvertown.

Remember that, Joe Dirt.

You remember to keep on keeping on,

and you'll be a veterinarian.

I believe people get

what they really want.

Especially a cool guy like you,

Kicking Wing. You know what?

You're my first real friend,

outside of Charlie and Brandy.

That's good. Good stuff.

That hug was completely asexual.

He kind of snuck it up on me.

Whatever you gotta tell yourself.

I love you, Joe Dirt!

I hit the road with my names list...

...looking for tourists who might

have photos of my folks.

I hit pay dirt when I got a job

with a traveling carnival.

That's when things

got a little weird.

Dang.

Can I go again? Please?

No. It's time to go home.

I got you. Who's this chick

over here? Is that your girlfriend?

You should see my girlfriend.

You'd sh*t yourself.

Really? I tell you what:

I'll give you a free spin.

I'll talk to your lady friend.

Good job, sir. Keep them straight.

Good strategy.

The carnival worker life

keeps me free and untethered.

That's why I was attracted to you.

I could tell you were an outlaw.

Is that right? I'm kind of

an outlaw through and through, baby.

- Damn!

- Good toss there, sir. Good one.

You know, society's got

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