Joe Dirt Page #5

no hold on this outlaw.

- Damn it!

- All right. Real close.

I'm like a bird. Actually more

like a hard-ass pterodactyl.

This is bullshit!

God forbid you don't win after

throwing only two quarters, man.

It's a business. It ain't UNICEF.

I got a good mind to take my outlaw...

Yeah, you better walk away, hard-ass.

- Some people. Right?

- I know.

So later on today I'll pick up

my Hemi Roadrunner.

That's right. I said Hemi.

A Hemi.

Balls to the wall.

I left it here. Friend's house.

Got towed two years ago.

But I'll pick it up this afternoon.

I might need a pretty little lady

to sit on the front seat with me...

...while I break her in.

The car, I mean.

What do you say?

That's a big ten-four.

I got a big date tonight.

I'm here to pick up my ride.

License and registration.

Yes, sir.

She'll freak out

when she sees my wheels.

Total impound fees come to $3496.

Plus 35 bucks for the tow.

for the whole car!

- Interesting. Want it or not?

- Well, yeah, but...

...I think all I got's like 450 bucks.

This is a business, not a charity.

Maybe one day UNICEF will get

into the impound business...

...but until then,

we're the people to see.

I tell you what I could do. I could

sell you a car for 450 bucks, but...

...it won't be no Hemi.

I thought you had a Hemi.

Yeah, I had to have

a footprint gas pedal installed.

So I stole this pile.

My outlaw.

That's right. Let's go.

So I had fun tonight.

Even though you took me to

the carnival that I was already at.

I had fun too. Hey, listen.

Can I ask you a question?

If I told you you had a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?

Sure would. Want to go to my place?

Sure do.

All right, so finish your story.

Why do you live with foster parents?

Because when I was nine

or ten years old...

...my parents pulled over to look

at the big dinosaur in California.

The next thing I knew, they're gone.

Wait a minute.

Did you have a brother?

I did. So, you want

to go back in the house?

We can have sex.

She's your sister, dude! She's

gotta be! You made out with her!

What's wrong with you, you pervert?!

I didn't know she was my sister when

I kissed her, so it's not my fault.

And she's one of the hottest girls

on the planet.

You just said your sister's hot! What

a freak! You're going to hell, man!

I gotta tell her what happened,

why I got weird.

And for God's sakes,

I gotta treat her like a sister.

We've got questions coming in from...

The phones are going nuts.

That was a bombshell.

Wait, man. I found out later...

...she wasn't my sister.

Thank God!

Thank God, dude.

That was gonna be a little much.

So I did a real bad thing there

because...

...I think you're my sister.

Is that all? No.

My family's last name is Buckwalter.

My brother's name is Cletus.

So you see, we're not related.

We can have sex again.

Joe, what's the matter?

Don't I turn you on?

I don't know what the problem is.

Would it help if you went back

to thinking I'm your sister?

Like I'm some

sort of white-trash perv?!

I'm your sister. I'm your sister.

Oh, you're my sister!

I'm kidding.

I just made that last part up

for laughs, you guys.

Let's break it off for today. Haul

your mangy ass in here tomorrow...

...and we will continue the fascinating

saga that I'm now referring to as...

...the legend of Dirty Joe.

Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here

right now. Please leave a message.

Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.

I'm out in L.A.

They got me on the radio station

telling my story to everybody.

I didn't get to the sad part yet.

I'm guessing you had reasons

for doing what you did.

And I guess I'm just calling

to say goodbye.

I miss you, Brandy.

You're listening to the

Zander Kelly show on KXLA.

Good morning, L.A. Zander here. We're

sitting with the king of dirt-balls...

...Mr. Joe Dirt. You know,

last night I went home...

...rented Andromeda Strain just so

I could simulate immersion...

...into that bacteriologically unsound

world you call your day-to-day life.

I know where you live.

I've got you in my crosshairs now.

We're gonna go back to your story.

Pick it up.

Now what really happened was...

...I had a car now, so I left to go

running down the names on my list...

...looking for people who took

those photos at the Grand Canyon.

Somewhere in Indiana, I hit a snag.

I found a guy who had pictures,

but he turned out to be a freak.

I guess this is the place.

Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.

But people say Joe Dirt's

a weird name. And how cool am I?

Excuse me, sir?

Hey, there, young fella.

I'm looking for Buffalo Bob.

Real name's Tim. How can I help you?

I want to talk to you about the time

you went to the Grand Canyon.

Why don't you come inside?

- What did you say your name was?

- Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt.

It puts the lotion on. You have no

idea what kind of hell I can bring you!

Oh, all right! Enough,

you broken record! Okay!

I've been here two weeks.

What do you want?

It put the lotion on its skin. Now!

Well, say it, don't spray it,

brother. Dang.

- I need a towel now.

- It does what it's told!

There, look, I'm putting the lotion

on the skin. I'm rubbing it in.

To tell you the truth, brother,

between you and me...

...that thing with the dog

is coming off a little fruity.

That's just me talking.

Where's my supplies? Come on.

I thought we had a deal.

Oh, for Christ's sake! Here!

Yee! Auto Trader Ooh, August.

I don't got this one.

There are some deals in here.

Oh, check this out.

"'71 'Cuda, plum crazy purple. "

This guy wants fourteen grand.

What?! I give him $7500. I used to

have one of these. This guy's crazy.

We have the place surrounded.

Come out with your hands in the air.

Hey, a little help?

- Get him!

- Man in a hole.

- Down here.

- Stay on your back.

I hear people.

It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.

He was gonna flay you alive...

...and use your skin to cover himself

like a Joe Dirt trench coat.

That's gross, man. I think these

are pictures from the Grand Canyon.

He's taken hundreds of photos over

the years, looking for skin he liked.

He wanted to wear skin with the wiener

tucked under, kind of like a woman.

That's sick, man.

I think that's little me

in a garbage can.

No way! And that's my dad and my mom.

And this is our car. And it's got...

...Louisiana plates.

Hell, yeah! I'm going to Louisiana!

So I cruised down to New Orleans...

...and found a base of operations

for my search at a local grade school.

I was going to be a janitor.

Mostly mopping. Once in a while,

you got a problem with the boiler.

You have to hit it with a hammer.

But it's a good job.

Yeah, it's all right.

I appreciate this job, man.

This'll be a good base for me

while I look for my parents.

I got a picture of them.

I don't recognize them.

If you find them, you'll tell them

what happened to you?

That Buffalo Bob thing?

There's not much to tell.

I heard some things.

It's not good. He's a bad guy.

What exactly did you hear?

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