Joe Dirt Page #6

The past is past. The future's now.

That's true. Amen to that.

Are you from around here?

Your accent sounds like New York.

No. From here.

Born and raised, though not here.

Over in Kansas.

Is this your wife?

Ex-wife.

She was shot six times.

New York City. I mean Kansas.

She was something. Her eyes

were something azure, you know?

Honey-blonde hair. Her body.

Her legs went on for days.

If she was here right now, maybe we'd

have a house with a little fence...

...up in Silvertown,

that place you talk about.

That's a nice place.

You really loved her.

I miss her.

Clem, a kid puked in the cafeteria

again. We need a cleanup right away.

I'm on it.

That's you.

- I'm Joe. Where's the throw up?

- Over there.

I'll clean it up lickety-split.

Speaking of lickety-split, let's

meet up later, see what's going on.

I'm kidding.

But seriously, let's hook up.

I'm new in town, kind of lonely,

looking for my parents.

The puke pile's right over there.

It's a pretty big pile of puke.

So clean the puke. Okay.

Well, well. Lookie here.

Corn off the cob.

This kid should get his money back.

- The janitor's going to eat the puke.

- They're hilarious, huh?

I won't. I'm a vegetarian

and looks like there's some meat.

I like kids. They seem to like-

They seem to like me.

I'll try the old reverse psychology.

I like getting hit with hot dogs.

It don't bother me.

Guess I'm lucky it wasn't

hot chili day today.

Okay, class.

Let's hear these results.

If my calculations are correct,

this will create ice.

Killer mustard gas!

What'd you say?

You're talking to me all wrong.

It's the wrong tone.

Do it again, I'll stab you in the face

with a soldering iron.

Is that right?

Let me ask you something.

Does your mother sew?

Get her to sew that!

You'd think the stupid punks

could think of something funnier than:

"Don't eat it! Here's a hot dog. "

What's going on, man?

Did you kick their asses?

- He saved us from the mustard gas.

- You saved our lives, Clem.

Not me.

That's the guy!

You're the one that carried us out.

Shut up, you hard-on.

That's the guy! That's the hero.

All right. Well, then,

thank God for Joe Dirt.

- Oh, no, man. It wasn't me.

- That's Joe Dirt!

Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

Come on, Joe Dirt!

How does it feel to be a hero, Joe?

Well, it's like this...

Probably feels pretty good.

Especially after that brutal

run-in with Buffalo Bob.

I don't know why you ask me.

Nothing happened.

That's not what I heard.

What's the deal with your haircut?

It's a wig. I was born

without the top of my skull.

Everybody, I'm looking for my parents.

Here's a picture of them. It's taken

If anybody has any information

on their whereabouts...

...please call this number.

You might get a machine, but if

a girl answers, her name is Brandy.

Give her your info.

I appreciate any help I can get.

That being said,

here's the real scoop.

I ain't the guy that saved them kids.

I'm sorry, man.

Here's the real hero.

His name is Clem Doore, from Josette,

Louisiana. He's a friend of mine.

Oh, no.

He's your real hero, people, not me.

Let's go. Come on, come on.

Move it, move it.

Move your asses. Okay, this is

where that rat-bastard lives.

You two shoot him low, you high.

I'll shoot him

right through his heart.

That's it. Come on, let's move it.

Kick it in! Kick it in!

What happened here?

- Don't I know you?

- What's going on?

Wait a minute.

You're that guy that had that

run-in with that psycho. Buffalo Bob.

Yeah. It was really no big deal.

No big deal! That's not what I heard.

Is Clem all right?

No, he's dead.

He's dead? What happened?

Your buddy Clem's real name

was Anthony Benedetti.

He was a former boss

of the Cameleri crime family.

He was in town here on the

Federal Witness Relocation program.

He turned informer when

the syndicate executed his wife.

His old cronies must have

somehow found he was here...

...and they came and killed him.

He killed all of them too.

It's a big mess.

Oh, my God, man. This is my fault.

Be cool, let me talk to him

for a second? He's a friend of mine.

- This is my fault.

- Go ahead.

I didn't know you didn't

want to be on TV.

I just tried to get the word out

about my parents. I'm so sorry.

Maybe you'll find your wife in heaven.

She'll be just how you remembered her.

Them big doe eyes.

That soft honey-blonde hair.

Smooth tan skin.

Huge, pert rack.

Long legs going up that tight butt.

Clem, you a**hole, are you alive?

They're pretending I'm dead,

so's they can move me.

I just didn't know you were in

this Witness Protection thing.

I never would have said

your name on TV, man.

I found it was time to move on anyway.

You know, maybe...

...find a better town.

There's something you

should think about.

I was thinking about that car.

The Rambler Wagon. That's a rare car.

People would remember

selling a car like that.

Where's that dead guy?

Wait. Joe, wait.

Take care, Joe Dirt.

Watch my hair.

Yep, those came with a 6-cylinder

Sleek-looking, weren't they?

For sure, man. How many?

That's what I'm trying to call up.

Let's see. In Louisiana...

...1968, we sold...

Doggy! 73 of those little buggers.

You tell me your daddy's name,

I'll tell you where he bought it.

I don't know his name.

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Well, then. The best I can do

is give you a printout...

...of all 73 people

who bought the car.

Later, if you come up with their

last name, you can go on from there.

I'm only doing all of this because

I heard that Buffalo Bob guy...

...shoved a road flare

up your bunghole.

What?

Hoorah.

I keep hearing about him. Nothing

happened with him. Nothing weird.

Anyway, that list had names

from all over the state.

But I was flat broke.

No money for gas.

So I found a job, and that led

to the biggest break in my case yet.

I don't know, Joe.

The way you describe that town

out in the northwest, Silvertown...

Hell, I have half a mind

to move there myself.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure, honey. Shoot.

Your mom and dad still alive?

No.

Did they die?

One night...

...they got swallowed up by

the biggest gator we ever had.

Before they died...

...they killed that gator from

the inside by punching out his heart.

That's brutal.

The brutal part, later that night,

I took my mama's hedge clippers...

...and cut open that gator

and pulled my folks out of its belly.

I couldn't stand the thought of my

parents turning into alligator sh*t.

God, I hate these nasty things!

If I met the right man...

...I mean, hell, I'd just...

...shut this old gator farm

down and...

But you know, you probably don't want

to hear all my problems, huh?

The gator show's about to start.

I better go. It's showtime.

There's three things to remember

when dealing with a deadly alligator.

And they are deadly.

Don't kid yourself.

Rule number one:
I'm number one.

You hear that?

I like to kid around. Rule two, the

croc's number two. Before we begin-

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