Joe Dirt Page #7

What's rule three?

What's that?

Kid, give me a break, now.

Don't know rule three?

You want a match? My face

and your ass. How about that, friend?

I mean, your ass and my face.

Here we go.

I'm a bit of a crocophile,

so don't try this at home.

Don't worry.

This here is Rocky.

And he ain't no puppy.

Let's see if Rocky's

got some cavities.

This mo-fo knows not to mess...

...with Sir Joseph Dirt.

You didn't listen to me!

Come on, now! Rocky!

Oh, when bad pets go bad. Dang!

Are you all right?

It's like the cartoons.

I'm seeing all tweet-tweet.

Joe, what can I do for you?

You're not making any sense.

Not making...

Not making...

That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt

instead of Nunamaker!

Nunamaker.

Nunamaker.

That's what my sister said

on the way to Grand Canyon.

My last name is Dirt.

Her last name is Nunamaker.

That's my parents' last name.

I checked my list of Rambler Wagons,

and there it was, Nunamaker...

...Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

I was finally home.

Sir?

Mister. You know the people

that live here? Nunamaker?

They moved.

What's that?

Moved! They moved.

About fifteen year ago.

Had a little boy...

...has that same haircut you got.

Goddamn, you out-of-date, boy.

Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me.

My parents were... This was my home.

I thought this was it this time.

No. Home is where you make it.

You like to see homos naked?

Home is where you make it.

You like to see homos naked.

That's cool.

No, no, no, no, no.

Home is where you make it.

Home, where you make it.

Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy.

Guy likes to see homos naked.

That don't help me.

So there I was, right back where

I started all those years ago...

...and no closer

to finding my parents.

I think a little part of me

died right there.

But you know that saying,

"Things get the darkest before dawn?"

I thought I had broken my ass-bone,

so I tried not to move.

I lay there, staring at the moon...

...and for the first time in my life,

I think about not getting back up.

Maybe I'll just lie there

for the rest of my life.

But then, suddenly,

while staring up at the moon...

...I had this strange feeling

that exact moment...

...Brandy was staring at

that same moon. And we were together.

Just then, all the tumblers

fell into place.

This door opened in my head.

All at once, I understood everything.

You have to find the real answer

inside yourself.

And the answer for me was

that I had a home all along...

...with a friend who really

cared about me, Brandy.

I missed her like crazy,

and I decided...

...it was time to go home.

My search was over.

Wish I hadn't gotten a machine.

It's me, Joe.

I got some crazy stuff to tell you.

But the most important part is,

I'm coming back to Silvertown.

I can't wait to see you

and tell you everything. Brandy...

Message deleted.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.

What's crappening?

Don't get smart with me,

you motherless dirt bag.

You been here long enough.

I'm here to see Brandy.

Brandy? My Brandy?

You haven't heard?

Me and her are getting married.

Besides, she don't want

to see you anyway.

- I don't believe that.

- It's true.

She found your stupid parents.

- What?

- She found them in California.

But she didn't want to tell you,

because she wants you gone...

...out on the road, looking

for nothing, so you won't be here.

She's sick of all your crap.

She's sick of helping you.

And she's just plain sick of you.

She wouldn't do that. I know Brandy.

She'd tell me about my parents.

I don't care how sick of me she is.

Check out this note she left me.

In case you called and I answered.

"Dear Robbie...

...if Joe calls, don't tell him...

...I found his parents.

I'll be back in a few days. "

See, she signed it

right there. "Brandy. "

"X-O-X-O."

That's right, Dirt.

Nobody wants you in this town.

Nobody wants you around, period!

Look at him, fellas.

You crying, boy? Maybe we'll go

back down to McDonald's...

...and get you a whamburger

and French cries!

How about a Whineken!

You little sissy boy!

Def Leppard sucks!

For the record, I wasn't crying.

There was dirt in my eyes.

Joey, it's not cutting it, man.

It's jive.

- Everything I just said is true.

- No.

Brandy. Brandy is jive.

I want to get her on the phone now.

I want to track her down and ask her

why she was playing games with you.

No, you don't need to bother her.

Get line 3 on speaker.

I'm fine. Everything is cool. I got

a place in Malibu, lots of friends.

I do worry about you.

Because you're living

in a boiler room, Joe.

I got a couple places.

You know what, Joey? I think you...

I can't believe I'm saying-

I think we need some resolution here.

We need a little closure.

I want to ask her, "What the hell

was going on back then?"

Did she find your parents?

And if she did,

why couldn't she have called you?

Well, well, well. The famous Brandy.

Tokyo rose of the trailer park.

Brandy, I'm sitting here

with a friend of yours.

A little white-trash treasure

that you might know as Joe Dirt.

Ring a bell?

- Joe?

- Yeah, Joe.

I don't think he wants to talk

to you, Brandy. You know why?

Because the last few days, my listeners

and I have heard an amazing story.

When he first started this story,

I thought of you as a good person...

...but the more it went down the road,

I'm not sure you are a good person.

Why didn't you tell him

you'd found his parents?

Oh, my God. How did he find out?

The letter Robbie showed Joe

is true? You wrote that?

Yes. I wrote that letter because

I wanted to tell Joe in person.

Months went by,

and he never came home.

Joe, I did find

where your parents were.

Joe, brace yourself for this.

Your parents are dead, Joe.

They died that day

at the Grand Canyon.

Their car was hit by

a passing truck, a hit and run.

I'm so sorry.

But your search is over.

Come home, Joe.

So I can take care of you.

Oh, man.

I've got to go.

Sure.

All right. We'll take a break.

He's Joe Dirt!

You rule, Joe! You rule!

Joe Dirt, Joe Dirt...

The phenomenon of Joe Dirt

has captured the city's imagination.

The little man, the ordinary person

who endured enormous adversity...

...and all the while maintained

his positive outlook on life...

...teaching us along the way...

"... You can't have

'no' in your heart... "

...and "Life's a garden. Dig it. "

Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting one of

his long-time idols, Eddie Money.

And welcome back to TRL. We are here

with America's sweetheart, Joe Dirt.

Joe, come back over here.

We have a show to do here.

People forget we're live.

You like the window, don't you?

Before we wrap this up,

anything else you want to say?

Thanks to the people that stop me

and tell me my story helped them.

Your story is really cool, like a

Behind the Music without the music.

Are you depressed? Your parents, who

you'd looked for all along were dead.

Was the last decade a complete waste?

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