Joe Dirt Page #8

No one's really put it like that,

but I don't think so.

I've had good times, met cool people,

cruised around, cranked some tunes.

What about Brandy?

Any chance you'll hook back up?

She's a good friend of mine and she's

off doing her own thing right now...

...but I've always said she's

a little too hot for old Joe Dirt.

I agree.

So does America, in our latest

"Is Brandy too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll.

Even worse, four percent

said the dog was too hot for you.

I'm just kidding.

You're on TRL California, Joe Dirt.

Hello, California.

Hey, wait...

Am I on? I'm on?!

Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah.

Hey, Carson, how big is your Johnny?

- Happy hour started a little early.

- A little drinky-drinky.

The reason I'm really calling

is Joe Dirt's parents ain't dead.

I'm looking at his father

right now and I'm his mama.

Ma'am, you should never

drink the bong water.

Yeah. Listen to him.

Carson, this where you want to be

when Jesus comes back? Making fun-

- Sorry, Joe.

- Wait. Where's that call coming from?

California.

I got to go.

So Carson helped me trace the call.

And it led me to this old trailer park

in Simi Valley, California.

That's our old car!

Joe, can I have an exclusive?

Your parents are alive after all?

Joe, how are you feeling?

Mom, Dad, is that you?

Our baby's home.

We tried so hard to find him.

We looked high and low.

I got some pictures here. Look.

Here is a picture of Joe when he

was a baby. You get it? Yeah, baby.

You were a cute baby.

That's why we were crazy when we lost

him. He's here and now he's gone.

Where'd he go? Where did he go?

- They get it? Where'd he go?

- I was at the Canyon.

Yeah. You know what? It was right

by the garbage can where you left me.

Is that where you were?

Well, I'll be dipped.

The one place we didn't look.

I knew you looked for me.

I told everybody you would.

Was there ever a time

you'd look at the moon...

...and hoped maybe

I was looking at it too?

I've been doing this clown thing.

Can everybody get a shot of these?

Do you see these clown figurines?

Whenever I used to get sad,

I'd just look at a clown.

- I just can't stop grinning.

- They're available for purchase.

We're starting this

clown dot-com kind of a thing.

I don't mean to interrupt

your clown pitch there, but...

But how exactly do you not go back

to the place where you saw me?

Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made?

How exactly does the sun set?

How exactly does the posi-trac

rear end on a Plymouth work?

- It just does.

- It just does.

I'm not talking about posi-trac,

I'm talking about me.

How long did you look for me

before you gave up?

How long were you riding in that car

before you realized I wasn't in it?

All right. We didn't lose him.

We just left him.

So what? The dude's doing fine!

Look at him!

How could you do that to me? I was

only eight, just a little kid.

Any idea what it's like to be a kid

and have nobody around to talk to...

...no one that cares

if you're alive or dead?

Every day you think you're worthless

and there's a void in your life.

- Come on, honey.

- Lighten up.

Lose that frown.

When you're down, stare at a clown.

Sit down, sit down.

You're blocking the cameras!

I don't care about that!

I don't care about you!

And I don't want to see you

for another 25 years.

I wish he'd never found us.

Look what he did to my children.

- Hey, you're grounded!

- Hey, TV people!

Wait, don't go away! You don't have

to follow just because he's going!

Somebody do something.

Joe, just turn around and come down.

It's not worth it, Joe.

We are here at Wallace Bridge...

...where local celebrity Joe Dirt

is threatening to kill himself.

Come on, Joe.

Remember what you said on the show?

"Life's a garden. Dig it. "

You got to get down from there.

You don't want to do this.

Why not, man? I got nothing.

I been looking forever

for those people...

...and everyone lies to me, man.

I'm worthless.

Sorry, lady.

You can't cut through here.

It's me, Brandy!

Brandy? Like the Brandy?

Why didn't you say so? Come on.

- Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!

- Hey, it's Brandy!

Look, over there! It's her, Dirt!

I'm here, Joe.

You told me my parents were dead,

and I saw them.

They're horrible. Why did you lie?

They saw the news when you saved those

kids. They thought you got a reward.

So you did see them first.

So it's just like Robbie said.

Yes, but once I met them,

I knew I had to protect you from them.

They're bad people.

You're not like them, Joe.

They didn't leave you. You left them.

You've gotta see that.

Joe, if you'd stayed with them...

...you wouldn't be

as wonderful as you are.

But Robbie said

you don't want me around.

He said you were always

laughing at me behind my back.

Why would Robbie say such a thing?

Of course that's not true.

I love you, Joe. With all my heart.

I want to get married

and have little Joe Dirts.

Come home, Joe.

You had a home all along.

You just couldn't see it.

You really love me?

I roped him with a bungee cord!

Oh, man.

I just had the weirdest dream.

You were in it. And so were you.

Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home?

Clem, Charlene, Kicking Wing?

It's not Clem anymore.

It's Gert B. Frobe.

Witness Protection relocated me.

I asked for Silvertown, after what you

said about it. It's wonderful here.

Hello, Joe Dirt.

You taught me to sell the good stuff.

Now I have 30 fireworks stands...

...which completely fund

my animal shelters.

It's all because of you, Joe.

Good job, brother.

I sold the gator farm after one of

them snapped off some of my fingers.

I came up here to check up on you...

...and I met Gert B. Frobe.

It's a good thing that gator

didn't get my ring finger...

...because Gert's asked me

to marry him!

Right on.

When you were in the hospital

for your head injury...

...I had the doctor surgically put on

a wig a little more contemporary.

Dang. That's cool.

And Joe...

- ... we have a big surprise for you.

- What's up?

My Hemi!

You got it out of hock for me?

- Somebody else wants to get in here.

- Who's that?

Come on, boy! Come on!

Looks like Charlie.

Apparently, back in the day...

...Charlie had a little sexual

encounter with this one's ma.

Say hello to Charlie Two.

Good boy.

You got a big family now, Joe Dirt.

You better be good to us.

Oh, I will.

Hey, Dirt. I thought I told you,

buddy. Nobody wants you around.

You're talking all wrong.

It's the wrong tone.

Do it again, I'll stab you

in the face with a soldering iron.

- You're his dad?

- What if I am?

What if we're his family?

At least my car'll

blow his off the road.

You think you can match that little

slant 6 of yours against his 426 Hemi?

Then let's do it, little boy!

That's my girl.

- Let's ride, Dirt-boy.

- Let's go!

Now it's time for the good stuff.

Yeah! Light her up!

This next song goes out to our

good friend, Joe Dirt, the Dirt-man.

Wherever you are,

this is for you, buddy.

Welcome home, Joe.

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