Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser

Grand Canyon ain't nothin'.

Being a grandfather, or a father, now

that's harder than being the Grand Canyon.

It's just a hole, sitting

there, doing nothing.

Okay, but are you even okay without

havin' a Grand Canyon?

Or should we just kick some sand up all

over it, and fill it up like a cat box?

Sh*t.

All I'm sayin' is the Grand Canyon is

where Joe was left that very day.

Yo, Ebony, Ivory? You

talkin' about Joe Dirt?

- Yeah.

- I know a little something about Joe Dirt.

Stopped into an old radio station I worked

a few years back.

Stayed for, it must have been a week.

Wove some bat-sh*t crazy tale.

So bat-sh*t, he should have hung upside down

from the ceiling when he was telling it.

I remember a big kid, bigger heart.

Sure, you know, I'm not saying the IQ

wasn't subterranean.

I mean, that intellect was barely

skimming the treetops.

Now, I ain't saying that I ain't

in "agree-ence" with you.

But somewhere in there,

the speechifying you making,

it just ain't sounded right.

Hey, John C-minus Reilly.

It's not "agree-ence", it's "agreematude".

And by the way, what's with the mouth

for God's sakes?

The teeth look like a half-completed

Lego project.

What are you gargling with, M-80s?

Are those deciduous teeth? I'm waiting

for them to change color, fall out

and float down to the Grand. Who's your

orthodontist, Moe Howard with

a ball-peen hammer?

I mean, for God's sakes, man. It looks like

Willie Stargell took a bat to your mouth.

Now listen, JD has got himself in

another bind here.

But, why not let the boy tell ya

his own tale, in his own way?

Let's drop that needle, guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

That's a sweet song, I get the thematics,

but this is Joe Dirt.

We're gonna start this puppy off,

we gotta go old school. Try it again, guys.

Big wheels keep on turning

Carry me home to see my kin

Singing songs about the south-land

I miss "ole" 'bamy once again

And I think it's a sin

Hello.

I'm Dirt. I'm Joe Dirt.

Those look like pretty comfortable

shoes you got on there.

My boots don't feel so good, but

they're, like, magical or something.

Look, cracker, don't you be talking

no Forrest Gump

crap to me, you little b*tch waffle.

Sittin' there talkin' all that honky-ass

whiney crap like,

"Mama said life is like

a box of chocolates."

Boy, sittin' next to you for even

ten seconds makes me feel like I should

take a shower in a bath full of Clorox.

Sh*t.

Mullet head.

Hey, if I said "hi" to you, you're not going

to call me, like, a dumb crap Forrest Gump

or something, will you?

Well, uh, let's play it by ear.

Are you waiting on the seven

cross-town bus?

Fair enough.

No, I'm just waitin' for the concert to be

over, over there, yeah. I tidy up after.

- Tidy up?

- Dirty, yeah. I'm sort of, you know, a roadie.

Oh, you travel with the bands, and you

pack up their equipment after concerts

- and their amplifiers and stuff?

- Oh, yeah, exactly. But, no, not per se.

I don't travel with them.

Uh, mostly I mop up after they're done.

Like, I clean up the poop and the barf

and things. And your occasional fart items.

And peepee, you know, whatnot.

So, you don't actually travel with them,

and such. Not a roadie.

No, exactly. I don't know where

that started, yeah.

- Now we're on the same page.

- Why aren't you in there,

- watching them perform?

- Oh, uh, well,

I ain't exactly allowed in the building

during the concerto, if you will.

But, if there is a diarrhea emergency or

something, I get to go in and clean it up.

And I can hear a little bit.

So there are some perks.

Oh.

I enjoy my job. 'Cause if people have

a hard week, and they wanna rock out

at a concert, I like to help, you know,

picking up their garbage and bodily fluids,

just so they can relax.

They can thank me later.

They don't. But, uh, that's cool.

It don't stop me from being

All In, All The Time.

Bam-bam. You know how it is, yeah.

So much has been happening to me

that I don't even understand it all.

It's all just happening

way above my pay grade.

Oh, above zero? Just kidding.

- Sorry, that was rude.

- No, that's a good one. You got me.

That's pretty much how it is. See,

my new story picks up after my first story,

and yet it goes back to the day I was born.

Well, you've got me intrigued.

And I don't see the bus coming nearby, so

start at the beginning.

It starts where every good thing in my life

ever got started.

Silvertown.

Man, that's the greatest town ever.

I woke up this morning

Got myself a gun

Mama always said I'd be the chosen one

One in a million I believe

I'm gonna burn to shine

I was born under a bad sign

with a blue moon in my eyes

I woke up this morning

and all that love had gone

My papa never told me

about right and wrong

But I'm looking good, baby

I believe that I'm feeling fine

I was born under a bad sign

with a blue moon in your eyes...

And today was the best day ever.

Man, I was marrying Brandy.

Ooh, something's got a hold on me now

Ow!

It's a feeling, burnin' like a love on fire

Hey! Come here, get down!

It was like I was dreamin'.

Brandy knew me better than I knew myself.

Like, she knew that I didn't know what

seven times seven was.

I mean, yeah,

now I know that it's 77, but still.

She knew me.

And just when I thought it couldn't

get any better, it did.

Joe...

We were gonna have a baby.

Morning sickness came on fast.

Get it out.

But Brandy was a real trooper about it.

It's gotta be love

Oh!

And then the big day arrived.

- Joe, honey? How are you doing?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing good, baby.

I'm doing good.

Oh, please make her smart like Brandy.

Please make her smart like Brandy.

- Don't make her dumb like me.

- Joe?

What?

I don't know what to do. Just tell me if

there's something I need to help you with.

- Honey, honey, breathe. Okay?

- Yeah.

- In and out. That's it.

- Okay. Oh, man.

We're gonna see our baby real soon.

I hope she looks like you.

No, shut up!

I mean, shut up, because, no,

please, she has to look like you, baby.

Don't waste a favor. What if God listens?

You can't...

You are the most handsomest man

that I have ever seen.

Baby, I think them drugs

put your eyeballs to sleep,

because you don't know what you're saying.

All right, let's, uh, take a look.

Centimeter dilation,

looks just about right.

Hey, Doc, are you smoking?

Was it the cigarette that

gave it away, Sherlock?

Dr. Boris, dial 182, please.

- Doctor girl?

- Mister, may I call you Brandy?

Because I feel like once I've seen your

muff, we should be on a first name basis.

Okay, this exchange doesn't sound too

"doctorish" to me.

Oh, how cool. Did you go to med school?

No, I did not.

Oh, so, you don't know how doctors talk.

I thought maybe you did

the way you sounded all confident about our

exchange not sounding doctor-like.

My Joe went to the school of hard knocks

but graduated with honors.

Please treat him with respect.

Aw, that's nice, Brandy, ya always say

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