Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #2

the nicest stuff about me.

Well, I can't help myself, baby.

Well, well, our little girl is crowning.

You're about to meet your baby.

- Hear that, baby?

- I love her so much already!

Um, miss? Hold on a second.

Sue, I think there's

another baby up in there.

- Did I hear there's probably another baby?

- Hey, we're in a meeting.

Hey, Doc, I just wanna... Whoa, whoa.

Jackpot! Give me some!

- What?

- It's a medical term.

It's a medical term, it

don't sound like one.

Oh, wow! Did you go to med school?

- Uh, no, we went over this earlier.

- Hey, Doc, I do see another baby in there.

Although I'm no baby expert.

- You ain't no expert?

- I wanted to get in on this one as soon as

I heard it was gonna be Brandy-Boo

up here in these here stirrups.

- What's that?

- Get out of here, man.

What are you doing? Don't talk that way.

- Oh, sh*t.

- What now? What's the matter?

- There's three up in there.

- Three what?

Three babies, dumbass.

- I told you. I told you.

- Well, I see them now.

Excuse me.

Today is the day when these tiny

little lives begin their journey

that, God willing, will outlast everybody

in this room.

Joe and I would appreciate it if you would

show the proper reverence.

Oh, baby, that's so good.

She got the speeches down.

That's poetry right there.

You're my little MLK, baby.

Mmm.

This Brandy chick is pure gold.

Inside and out.

Mmm. Mmm.

A woman like that loving a man like him.

I must have misjudged this fool.

What do you say we deliver these babies?

Wow. Martin Scorsese couldn't compose

a better shot.

What more could a guy ask for?

That wasn't it.

Hey, what did Brandy just say?

Let's deliver us some babies.

You got it, Joe Dirt.

Give us some room. Three babies comin' up.

- Push! Push!

- You got this.

Come on. You can do it!

Are they talking?

Congratulations, you have triplets!

What?

Brandy, you hear that? We got us a little

NASCAR pit crew. I'm so happy.

Joe, it's sweet that you wanna

name them Brandy Junior, Brandy Brandy,

and Brandy 2.0 the Special Edition,

but they need real names.

You're right. You're the brains of the outfit.

All right, how about this, I've been thinking

- Def Lep, Skynyrd and Seger.

- Joe! Be serious.

I know. The Def Lep one is wrong.

That's no good. All right, how about this?

383 Magnum, 440 Magnum,

and 426, it's a Hemi.

It's a Hemi. Everyone loves a Hemi.

Joe, I am naming them.

All right, you constructed them,

you did all the work.

You made 'em perfect and amazing.

What do you got?

Cheyenne, Abilene, and Dakota.

So perfect. You're so good at this,

three for three.

- Yeah?

- You did good.

Look at 'em.

So everything was good.

Sure there were some bumps.

Like this local guy, Jimmy Yauch.

Man, he was worse than Robby.

What you doing over there?

Makes the smoke minty fresh.

What, are you a scientist now?

No, I drive a truck for Kipper's tow yard.

I thought you knew that.

And you suck what? I didn't hear that.

First of all, no, and second, who's

feeding you all this false information?

Well, that would be your mother, son.

Oh.

I think you better stop.

You better stop now.

'Cause like Omar say,

"You come at the king, you best not miss."

- But, I didn't come at you.

- Anyways, boys, I been working on a song.

About the hottest shorty boo that ever

did walk the face of the Earth.

And I'm telling you this right now.

Brandy, one day she will be mine.

Now this I swear.

Check this out.

I'm a son of a gun

not a box of six-gun repeaters

I'm a backdoor man

not just some Walmart greeter, yeah

I'm rocking a double five-five wiener

Looking for Brandy's love meter

Whoa, whoa, yeah, yeah

Damn it, I know I suck.

I ain't got no poetry.

See, with a girl like Brandy,

you got to have some poetry in you.

But it's a catch-22.

Because a woman like that

puts the poetry in you.

Damn it to 'Frisco. I hate poetry.

I can't stand poetry.

Damn Joe Dirt. It ain't right!

It ain't right. It should be me, man.

It should be me and not Joe Dirt.

Sorry about that guitar thing, man.

It got out of hand.

It is what it is.

We all have our cross to bear.

Mine is Joe piece of Dirt.

Yeah, Jimmy, that dude was trouble

waiting to happen.

But my girls, man, look at them.

They was growing like weeds.

Three beautiful flowers.

Yeah, more flowers than weeds. Forget

weeds. They was growin' like flowers.

But deep down inside, I was feeling like,

who was I to be happy, you know?

'Cause I was always nervous, feeling like

it could all go away.

Turns out I was right to be worried, because

soon it all started unraveling on me.

I got this job as a logger, and one day,

it all started coming crashing down on me.

It came down real bad.

Eleven-footer.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Whoa!

Luke, I am your logger.

You can't hear it, but it was funny.

All right, here we go.

It's sticking.

Uh, that's lunch.

I think I cut 66 logs so far, man.

Probably get a good price down at the mill.

- Hey, Dirt?

- Yep.

- You strong?

- You know it.

Pick that up.

Kinda walked into that one, didn't I? Yeah.

Hey, Dirt. You look like Elmer Fudd

in that hat.

Sh*t, more like Elmer Fudgepacker.

Oh, yeah, that guy in the cartoons.

Yeah, I guess. Looking stupid, yeah.

I seem to have forgotten my lunch,

maybe, uh, you could give me the apple core

when you're done with it?

Nah, you can't have that, boy.

I do have something for ya. Here you go.

Mind if I join ya? I got one for ya.

Come on, dirty Dirt.

Come on.

I got one. I got one for a face to

land on, myself.

A little up close and person...

Oh, boy, that one has got sauerkraut.

Hey, little logger boy.

Sexy Joe. These boys giving you trouble?

Oh, no, Missy, we're just funning around.

Can you keep a secret?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Then keep this a secret.

Oh!

Dang. That secret had

some secret sauce in it.

How was hers the worst one?

Oh, man, Missy.

I still got some meth gas left inside.

Get this guy a paper towel.

You're right, kraut.

Can you read farts, boy?

Tell me what I had for supper last night.

All right, that's it, man.

22 times ain't funny no more.

Is this where you wanna be when Jesus

comes back? Fartin' in Joe Dirt's face?

I will take my chances.

Daddy?

Why are they farting on you?

And right there, it started

to dawn on them that their dad,

the dad they used to think was Superman,

wasn't no Superman.

He was a loser. He was just Joe Dirt.

Y'all leave him alone.

Stop farting into his face, or there's more

whoop-ass where that came from.

- Missy!

- What? I have a medical condition.

Scram, girl!

I can't catch a break.

Honey, are you all right?

Yeah, Brandy. I can take care of myself.

I don't need you kicking

these guys' butts for me.

I know you can take care of yourself, baby.

Of course you can.

And that was it. They saw right through me.

I'm just the boy who was left at

the Grand Canyon.

Like some empty popsicle wrapper,

you know? Like cherry or lemon-lime.

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