Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #3

Orange is another flavor...

You see now, I never invented

something great.

I didn't do anything like that.

I didn't invent antigravity or

Snausages, or them "Back off, Jack!"

Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

Those are cool. I wish I did.

I just thought, if I was rich or famous,

you know, then I could make 'em proud

and then they'd love me for real.

Joe, that's ridiculous! You love them,

they love you. Go tell them, it'll be fine.

I can't.

'Cause everything just went away,

like I knew it would.

You know, one time, when I was growing up,

I was in one of my many foster homes

and they had a guy come speak to us,

and he was super smart,

he was wearing glasses and everything.

He said something that stuck with me,

I'll never forget it.

He said, "Revolutions never happen in

countries where things get so bad

"that people can't take it anymore."

No. "Revolutions happen when things

just get a little bit better."

People get a taste of what

they've been missing.

And I got that.

I got my family, and now it's gone.

- Gone, what happened?

- Well, this is the part of the story

where it gets really weird.

There was a storm coming. Man, a big storm.

A "mess up your hair really bad" storm.

Get into the basement.

Come on! Cover your eyes!

- It's all going to be okay!

- Cover your eyes!

- Come on, girls.

- Basement. Go, babe.

Come on, babies, hurry.

- Daddy, I'm scared.

- It's just wind. I know, baby, it's just wind.

Daddy, my princess tiara.

I left it in the trailer.

- It's okay. It'll be there tomorrow, honey.

- But it was a birthday present from Daddy.

- I'll go get it.

- No. Don't go.

I'll get it. It's okay, baby. I'm Superman.

I'll be back.

Daddy, be careful. We love you!

Be careful, Joe.

Come on. Hurry!

Ridin' the storm out

Waitin' for the thaw out

Oh, dang, that

twister's getting close!

Yeah, this one is for real.

Please don't scratch my car! Ah! Ow!

Hi, Daddy.

Girls, what happened to the storm?

What are you talking about, loser?

Go make us some cash like Kanye.

Treat us like North.

Cow?

Watchin' the full moon crossing the range

Ridin' the storm out

Ridin' the storm out

Ridin' the storm out

A little birdie told me

I'm gonna fall in love

Sock him in the jaw. He's all yours.

He's all yours.

Back him up, back him up.

Knock him down.

I'm gonna whup you 'til you ain't nothin'

but loose bones and loose change...

Oh, crap.

You see that? Y'all see what happened?

A trailer come out of the sky,

and lands on Lucky Louie.

Lucky Louie's dead.

That could have been any one of us.

Ah!

Dang! What happened?

You done killed the most vicious leader

to ever head up the Smokin' Jokers.

No.

You killed Lucky Louie,

with just one house.

No, no, man. I didn't kill nobody.

I was spinning in the twister

- and it was a bad storm, it threw me.

- What storm?

Yeah, it was black clouds, now it's all

tweet-tweet. I don't know what happened.

You killed Lucky Louie,

and now you're our new leader.

Long as you wear these,

we go where you go,

and we ride where you ride.

Oh, man, these are nice. The ruby's a

little fruity, but I'll take them.

Name's Foggle. What's your name, brother?

Joe. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirtay.

Which is it?

- Oh, uh, Joe Dirt.

- You all hear that?

- All hail Joe Dirt.

- All hail Joe Dirt.

You guys ain't gonna fart on me, are you?

Long story short,

we stomped those three dudes so bad,

they got to take their boots off to piss.

Anyway, that kinda ass-kicking fun is

an everyday thing for us

and now you get to tell us who to kick,

and in which ass.

Yeah!

All right, man.

Well, kind of like monkey see,

monkey do, I like that.

Okay. How about this? I need a vet,

'cause these puppies are sick.

I need a vet,

'cause these puppies are sick.

Not bad, I'm a good leader.

But I'm actually not. I'm no good.

I know I couldn't lead a colony of ants

to a melting Hershey Bar to be honest,

believe me, I've tried.

But I do have three daughters

I want you to meet.

I've got a pretty wife, I'll bring her

down. We'll all have fun, maybe brunch.

And by the way, you know,

all the kids stuff, blah blah.

So no talking about fighting,

and drinking, and spitting,

and punching, and kicking, you get it.

'Cause, you know,

that kind of violent imagery for a child,

I don't want.

Besides, this is the year 2015, I don't know

about even a motorcycle "gang" fighting...

"2015"? It's not 2015. It's 1965.

No, I'm sayin' now is 2015, June 2015.

No, it's definitely June,

but it ain't no 2015, Mr. Dirt.

This is June 1965.

June 1965? Well, if that's true, I'd be running

around in diapies, that's when I was born.

I don't got no diapies on.

But anyway, I like it here,

and I wanna meet everybody.

And I think as a new leader,

I'm gonna name everybody.

'Cause, you know, gangs have nicknames. I think

that's fun. I'm gonna start in the back.

You think I'm ignoring you?

Back there, you got sort of a beak

on your nose, like, a

little bit like a bird.

What's a funny bird name?

"Bird" is not, that's too uninteresting.

A mean one is vulture. You're Vulture

from now on, if anyone asks you, okay?

Let's look around the room.

All right, here we go,

there's Mean Marvin, No Soap Sam,

Douche Bag, Jolly Mean Giant, Church

Burner, Fruit Loop, Palm Tree,

Crazy Eyes, Dopey, Inky, more like Stinky.

We got Pillow Biter, Reload, No Nut,

Momma Hates You, Gooey Load, Queefie,

Jock Strap Jonny, okay, Tea-Bagger Vance,

Nucky Futz,

Charlie Dog, Super Dumb,

there's Going to Hell, there's Gary.

Con Artist Connie, One Eye, Two Eye,

Two Eyes is no good.

Everybody has two eyes, right?

I'm running out.

Porn Stash, Little Killer, Medium Killer,

Flat Ass, Boogie Oogie, Cher,

Mitch the B*tch, Knee Caps, No Teeth.

- Knock knock. Who's there? You're Ugly.

- "Ugly"?

That whole thing is your nickname.

And you are, I forgot you, Foggle.

How about, Lead Singer of Blue Oyster Cult.

You'll get that one. That's funny.

You seen him? You get it good.

Maybe the bass player, it's exact.

Anyway, as your new leader,

I command ye to roll up your sleeves,

and let's do some charity work.

Let's do some good for once, you know?

Let's get out there and help, because that's

where we wanna be when Jesus comes back.

Who's with me? Come on now, let's do this.

You hear that, everybody?

That little queer wants us to

help people in need.

Oh, yeah?

Is that queer, man? Is that queer?

Think this is queer?

Yes.

What?

Well, next time don't make it a question.

You're all like, "Is this queer?"

So that just walks you right

into the answer, which is yes.

Just make it a statement, dumbass.

Oh, yeah? What about...

Oh, yeah, hey, Foggle, you're strong.

Strong smellin', yeah. Got ya, hold 'em up.

Hold 'em up.

- Got ya good.

- It took you that long to think of that?

Uh, to be honest, I thought of it about

a week ago, and then,

uh, I've been waiting to use it.

But I didn't think I would.

It's been in the chamber loaded up,

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