Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #4

and guess who got it? You.

Whoo! Guess what else? I got your boots.

You think you're gonna get 'em back?

Not quite, termite.

- Give us those boots.

- I'm running away. Good luck catching me.

Which way am I going?

Get back here!

You ain't man enough to wear those boots.

You know that, Joe Dirt.

You ain't nothing.

You know that in your heart.

We will track you to the gates of hell.

- Let's go.

- Yeah.

Stupid Foggle.

What a dumb name. He needs a cool name,

like Joe Dirtay.

Hey, Foggle.

Why don't you go play Boggle?

God dang, that's so funny,

why didn't I say it?

I think of all the good ones too late.

Well, I got my tennis shoes,

and his stupid boots! Whoo-hoo!

Well, I don't need these sneakers no more.

Whoo-pee! Ha-ha!

Fetch that, Boggle!

Man, it usually takes me 27 times. Nice.

Hey, how come ya threw your sneakers up

over that power line?

- Why? You've never seen that before?

- No, silly head!

Silly head, 1965.

I must've traveled through some sort of

vortex and tumbled through time,

like a time traveler.

I don't know what's happening.

But I'll tell ya, that

happens in the future.

We find out carbs are bad for ya,

just a heads up.

Hey. You really from the future?

Yeah, man.

Maybe you should move down to Louisiana,

help me start my fishing business!

You and I together, man,

we could catch a lot of shrimp!

I mean, there's rock shrimp, Atlantic shrimp,

salt shrimp, boo-boo shrimp, tater shrimp,

shrimp on a stick, shrimp remoulade, shrimp

in your pasta, you know what, f*** shrimp!

Okay, so, no on the shrimp biz?

What's the situation with your hair?

Did I call your number?

Are we in a deli?

We are not. And I did not. Goodbye.

Did you call number three yet?

Did I call number... No, that was a

metaphor, this ain't really a bakery, man.

Yeah, I know.

I was just patiently waiting my turn.

You see that?

He's patiently waiting his turn, all right?

That's nice, instead of

yelling out nonsense.

Yeah, one day I'm gonna dig a hole.

Well, that's great, man.

See, there you go.

You're gonna have a great, big hole.

It's gonna be the biggest one,

and I'm glad you're setting goals.

It's gonna be in my living room.

Yeah, well, you had me,

then you lost me there.

- Are you married?

- I am married. Now, that's a normal question.

- I'm married to Brandy. She's sweet.

- Wait a minute.

Is she like a great big fat person?

A great big fat person? She is not.

She's about 115, I'm guessing.

I really wish those numbers

were turned around.

Like 511?

Well, then she'd be a great big fat person.

Uh, yeah, no, I like her 115. Anything over,

like, 400 I'm not super attracted to.

I'd like to cut her skin off,

and then sew it together, so that

I could wear it as a human tracksuit.

Mmm.

Maybe I'm hearing you wrong, it sounds a

little, um, not normal, what you're saying?

My name's Bob.

Uh, if I had any friends,

they'd call me Buffalo Bob.

Why don't you give me a call if your wife

ever becomes a great big fat person?

Buffalo Bob, that sounds...

You have no idea what kind of hell

I can bring you!

Oh, all right, enough, you broken record!

Does what it's told!

Say it, don't spray it, brother! Dang.

Buffalo Bob!

Oh, man!

Was that all in my living room?

'Cause that's step one.

Uh, gotta run. There's a huge crazy party

behind that shed.

You can go, there's three tickets left.

What are you up to?

"Genghis Khan."

Genghis Khan what?

It's a comic book store?

Oh, if I'm back in time,

I could maybe buy...

Looking fine as she could be

Is that Brandy?

Brandy!

Well, she was a-walkin down the street

Looking fine as she could be

Hey, hey!

If you have love and conversation

Whoa, yeah, what I say!

Hey, hey!

Like a beaut.

You got that $5 you owe me?

See, I was thinking, you know,

since we're both seniors now,

maybe it's time we, uh, you know...

Um, wait a second. I think I see Jill.

I've gotta go talk to her.

She needs help with her homework.

All right.

Homework is important.

I'll be here, waiting.

Like always.

Wow. That was a total red light.

She gave you nothing but brake fluid.

You're smothered in it.

So funny I forgot to laugh.

Guess it's time to try the old

"Popcorn Surprise."

What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?

Listen up, here's the skinny.

See, I put a hole through the bottom of

a large tub of popcorn.

Does the popcorn fall out?

I don't know, it doesn't matter, all right?

After I cut the hole through,

I put my thingy up through the hole.

Wait, hold on now, fella, you lost me.

What's a thingy?

Get smart and get smart fast!

That thing you use to go number one?

Oh, so that's what keeps the popcorn

from falling out.

Makes sense.

I guess so, but that's not the point.

All right? Anyways, after I get my thingy

stuck up through the hole,

she reaches to grab the popcorn,

presto! Handful of thingy!

- Oh, that's cool.

- Spread the word around.

- It's gonna be classic.

- Yeah, all right, all right!

Go, go, go!

So, he finally made his move on you?

Yeah, he's sweet, but I don't have

those kind of feelings for him.

Oh, you need to check

your temperature, girl,

because he's the most

dreamiest boy in school.

Brandy, hey, whoo, sorry.

I just ran five miles chasing you!

What are you doing here?

What are you wearing? That looks funny.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

- Brandy!

- And my name isn't Brandy.

I'm Ashleen.

Well, if it's 1965 and you're Ashleen...

Yeah, it's 1965, strange-o.

What about it, you freaky guy?

Oh, my God, are you Brandy's mom?

I don't know what you're sayin',

but I have always liked the name Brandy.

I could see me namin' a daughter that.

Yeah, you can, 'cause you...

Why are you talkin' to our girls, and

what's the deal with your hair, you weirdo?

Yeah, show him your muscles, fellas.

Maybe he'll scram. And scram fast.

Check this out.

Do you even lift?

Listen, I better go, because these guys are

getting a little cranky.

All right? So listen, Ashleen,

I think I came here to the past

to fix something about myself, you know?

So, I deserve the daughter

that you're gonna have one day.

- I don't know what you mean.

- I don't know either.

And by the way, do not eat

Jimmy's popcorn, okay?

"Jimmy"? Oh, no, his name is Rory.

Rory Yauch.

Oh, Fudge! That's Jimmy's dad! Oh, man,

this sh*t just got officially weird.

Hey, you watch your language,

buddy boy fella!

You want a big bar of soap in your mouth?

Hey, are you a vet?

'Cause these puppies are sick, huh.

Yeah, you like that one? Talk to the fist,

'cause the hand is pissed.

Oh, those are from the future!

You just got futurized.

You got a burn, and it came down from

the future and got you.

You're a little dazed right now, it'll go

away. But don't fight it, just... Shh.

Hey, he's gonna give you

the "Popcorn Surprise."

What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?

I'll give you a hint, it's more surprise

than popcorn, okay?

Just promise me you don't put your hand

in that cup, all right?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote