Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #5

Just think of me as your guardian angel,

all right?

Looking out for the love of my life.

Bye!

How are you, son?

This movie's a hoot, isn't it?

Dad, what are you doin' here? Mom!

I want some popcorn.

No, no!

Oh! Oh!

Don't, stop!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, don't stop, don't stop!

- Oh!

- I like it.

Don't stop, don't stop!

It won't come out!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man, old comic books in mint condition

for 10 cents apiece.

Not bad.

Give Joe Dirt lemons,

he gonna make goldenade.

Nah, lemonade, he gonna make lemonade.

This must be why I'm here.

To get rich.

So my girls will love me for real,

instead of the loser that I am.

I'll buy 'em presents.

Oh, yeah.

This one is gonna buy Abilene braces.

This one's gonna buy braces for Dakota.

And this one. What can I get Cheyenne?

I can get braces.

And this, Brandy,

you're gonna get a new used car!

Don't worry, little tree, that won't hurt ya.

You're gonna grow up big and strong. Ha-ha.

Pretty nice. Take that, Home Depot.

Life's a garden, dig it!

Well that was easy. Now that I'm rich,

I'm gonna get back to my trailer.

'Cause that's where this

whole thing started,

and maybe that's where

this whole thing ends.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Crap.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Joe Dirt.

Hey, Foggle.

Now see, when I ride with a man like this

guy, I got a nice thick phonebook between us.

Like this thing right here.

That way we're not really

touching each other.

Right.

Now, Joe here, if he were to

ride behind a man,

he probably wouldn't have a phonebook

dividing him from the other man.

No, no, no. He would say, "No,

I don't need no phonebook in between us,

"because I'd rather be nice and cozy."

Or if he puts something in between him

and the other man,

he would want it to be a little

bit thinner, like a magazine.

Or like a menu.

- A really thin menu.

- Like a Kleenex.

You wish you'd thought of Kleenex.

I want those boots, Joe.

Foggle, look what I'm doing.

I'm takin' 'em off.

You know you ain't man enough

to wear those boots.

- You give 'em to me, boy.

- No.

What if I unzipped

and rubbed 'em on my private parts?

You wouldn't like that!

You don't put that nowhere

near your thingy!

Oh, that scare you?

I'll do it. Oh, yeah, I'm crazy, I do it!

Oh, look, here come the police!

Too bad 'cause you're the bad guy,

I'm the good guy.

Hey!

Are you Joe Dirt?

Oh, yeah, hey there, hi there,

ho there, Officer, what is crappenin'?

Figured it was you.

You had that weird hairdo

they said you called a "mullet."

Oh, yeah, that's me.

Did you buy comic books

with this here money?

Oh, yeah, you know I did, that's right.

Well, then, you're under arrest for using

counterfeit money.

What, no! It ain't counterfeit,

it's future money!

From my future pocket!

You just tell that to

them down at the station.

I'm under arrest so those guys

can't kill me now!

- What guys?

- Those guys!

See ya later, I'm innocent, sorry!

Hey, get back here!

I bumped your car, sorry!

Come on, we gotta go get him.

Pursuit on foot going west on Hartford.

It ain't over, Joe Dirt.

We're your personal demons from hell!

Let's go.

Where's my phonebook?

So I was on the lam. They even

let the dogs out on me and everything.

But I got away, man, I pretended to be

a scarecrow in a field.

Them stupid cops, they never caught me.

What about the dogs?

Uh, the dogs, I dunno, I don't remember.

Anyway, so there I was, on the run.

Escape from the police.

Police dogs have a real

good sense of smell.

Even if you were a scarecrow,

how could the dogs not find you?

Uh, you know, they did find me,

but I got lucky, they just walked away.

How did they just walk away?

I mean, they just walked away?

They knocked me over on the pole on

the ground, and they just walked away!

I dunno, they had dog stuff to do.

You're focusing on the wrong part

of the story.

I can't imagine.

Why would they just walk away?

God dang, with the dogs! Who gives a care?

The dogs, all right, you

gotta solve the case!

All right, they all humped me,

is that what you wanna know?

You found it out, Nancy Drew,

you solved the case of the horny dogs.

No, no!

Well, glad you got a

good chuckle out of it.

It was terrible, I was man's best friend!

More like, man's best friend with benefits.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I don't know if you started the

"dogs like to hump people's legs" fad,

but think about it, you started the

shoes on the line, and the mullet.

You know, you might be like the white trash

Johnny Appleseed.

Well, maybe.

You know, once I extricated myself from

the dog pile,

they were done, basically,

once they got the money shot,

if you get my drift,

which I hope you don't.

- Oh, God.

- Anyway,

so there I was, on the run.

I was runnin' through the night,

and you can't believe what I saw.

Ruby's.

I like any place that

sounds like "boobies."

Oh, man.

Where's the crowd when you need 'em?

I got some LOLs going.

Oh, man, that singer looks like a young

Ronnie Van Zant.

Wait. That's Ronnie. Bob. Gary.

Oh, my God! This is Lynyrd Skynyrd!

Before they were Skynyrd!

What?

Oh, man!

Man, you guys are so good.

So, you really dug our sound, huh?

I do think you guys have potential.

Well, cool, 'cause we're just

barely scratchin' by.

Not makin' a dime.

Well, I think that's all gonna change.

But I have one criticism,

and do not take this the wrong way.

I'm just saying, maybe tinker with the name

of the band, you know?

You don't like "The Wildcats"?

No, yeah, no, I don't.

Actually, because "Wildcats" is too, like,

generic and boring, like any animal.

It's like "meerkat," you know?

You know Meerkat Manor? You don't, no.

But it needs to be more distinct, I feel.

- Distinct?

- Yeah.

I mean, this is rock and roll.

A name means everything, man.

All the cool bands have cool names.

You wanna kick ass, you

want it to stand out.

Wildcats, I just don't think it does

it, man. Do you got any other ideas?

Yeah, I got one. What about "Wham!"?

"Wham!"? What?

It sounds kickass, right?

It's like, Wham!

It says, if you mess with us,

we'll beat you down!

We'll blow you away!

We don't care where, in a dark alley

or in a public toilet.

I feel like "Wham!" is just, gut instinct,

not the way to go.

What about "Frankie Goes To Hollywood"?

Absolutely not.

- What about "Cher"?

- "Cher"?

What about "Air Supply"?

Oh, my God, be real!

- What about "Kajagoogoo"?

- What?

"New Kids On The Block"?

What, we're getting colder!

Okay, you said

we're gonna be big, right?

Going straight to the top.

All right, then "One Direction"!

What is crappenin'?

Nah, I'd do "Pet Shop Boys," though.

What about "Spice Boys"?

That's pretty good. Yeah.

Come on, man, we need

some contenders here, what is this crap?

I got one. Now get ready for this, okay?

It's a little outta left field.

But be open-minded.

Lynyrd Skynyrd.

No.

- Not that guy.

- That's like our gym coach's name.

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