Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #6

We don't even like that guy.

I know legend has it it's your gym coach.

What legend?

Ah.

That's a long story.

But seriously, guys, I know he's your

coach, but you change it a little bit.

You add a "D," you add a random "Y,"

another renegade "Y" over here,

and then it's Lynyrd Skynyrd and

presto-change-o, people remember that!

- No, that guy gave me lice...

- I dunno about Lynyrd Skynyrd, man.

You remember that time he chased the other

coach around in his underwear in the gym?

- The guy's just whacked out.

- But you're...

Oh, my God, that's so good.

Oh, man.

Oh, trust me, you guys are gonna be big,

that song is so perfect, I'm telling you,

that's like an anthem, like a Southern

toe-tapper to say the least, man.

On the huge-ometer,

it's gonna break the needle.

- Like a big wedding song?

- More like divorce.

Really? Where does it go, man?

It's too slow.

Too slow, listen to this guy!

Oh, my God, it's gonna be nine minutes!

Nine-minute tune?

Yeah, I know, I mean, it could be.

It could be 9:
08.

Nine minutes, eight seconds, yeah.

When you've got it that

good, don't rush it.

What I would do,

I would talk at the beginning, sing sing,

if it's about a bird, you know,

lettin' it go free.

And then maybe just kill some time

in the middle with an instrumental.

Like, anything. I would probably go...

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man! You got it!

I kid you not, like I said,

you're gonna be rich and famous,

trust the sh*t outta me on this one!

Yeah? Big rock stars with a truck full of

money and girls and jammin' into the night,

- livin' the great life?

- You know it, man! Exactly!

Everyone's gonna look up to you,

you're gonna have tons of fans,

your kids are gonna be proud of you,

your family's gonna have so much money.

You could buy anything you want.

- We could buy our own airplane.

- Yeah!

What's the matter?

Hey, um...

You guys, it was nice to meet you, but...

Uh...

You're gonna be great, man. I gotta go.

I was eight years old when I heard

about that plane crash.

Just goes to show, you never really

know what's going on in people's lives.

You know, everything could look great,

and you could wish you were them,

- but then...

- Sounds like a lesson in there.

Yeah, I know there's a lesson,

and I know I was supposed to walk into that

club and meet Skynyrd that night,

but I ain't real smart,

and my head always feels all jingly jangly,

which is a Southern term meaning,

gangly wangly.

There's always noise in it, like,

if people are dropping change in there

and not picking up the pennies.

It makes me crazy, man.

But then when I think I'm

startin' to figure stuff out,

along come these a**holes.

Let's get us that Joe Dirt!

Get back here with those boots!

You little b*tch.

Don't you get on that train!

Don't you get on that train!

Ha-ha! Take that, Foggle! What a burn!

Oh!

Made it.

And so there I was,

just clickety-clackin' through the night.

I got to thinking, how does this Foggle dude

and all of them always know where I am?

It's almost like they're livin'

inside my head, you know?

I mean, there's definitely

a lot of empty space in there.

But where would they put their motorcycles,

where would they go to the bathroom?

Whatever.

Oh, I'm sick of being alone.

I wish Brandy was here right now.

I can pretend she's here.

I got a few minutes.

Ah!

Okay. In the bedroom.

I come up behind. Tickle her back.

Pull that scrunchie out.

Yeah, get the hair down.

Pick up the pace, pick up the pace.

Sorry, buddy.

Had to light my cigar.

Show was just starting. Keep goin'.

Nah, you didn't see nothing.

Yeah, we did.

You over there lookin'

like a paint shaker goin' at it.

Can we get in on that action?

Yeah, maybe we can figure out some kinda

naked pyramid or something.

- I like that idea.

- Come on, little doggy.

I ain't no party boy.

Oh, just a dream. Thank God.

Oh, again?

But this time, not just them.

You get us, too.

Oh, okay.

You like sausages, Joe?

I like sausage, I usually get bacon,

but I mix it up.

I like to have fun at breakfast, you know?

Maybe you should take

a little nibble off mine.

No, that's not supposed to be there.

Don't walk here!

You guys on Viagra?

No!

It's me, Joe.

Kicking Wing? Holy crap on a crutch!

- What's up?

- I missed you.

But they don't call me

Kicking Wing anymore,

I'm Kicking Ass.

- I took your advice.

- Oh, man! That's a good one.

That's cool, I got tons of good ideas, man.

So, where have you been,

how's the fireworks game?

I'm not in the fireworks game, Joe.

Growth potential wasn't enough.

I'm a drug dealer now.

What! You don't do drugs.

I don't get high on my supply.

Oh, that's catchy.

Baby, who's this clown?

This is the legendary Joe Dirt!

Good friend!

So, you sell heroin and

all that kinda crap?

No. Just aspirin and weed.

What! I can get aspirin from a baby!

I can get weed

in a vending machine in Denver!

'Cause you know what, no one

gives a care about weed any more.

Understand, rubber band?

Well, aspirin and weed is the ones I like.

Oh, well, that's your problem.

You're not sellin' to the mirror, my man!

You're forgetting about the consumer!

Again.

I'm a really good drug dealer.

Um, Kim Possible, you're gonna stand there,

calling yourself "a really good drug dealer,"

and you ain't got no crystal meth?

No black tar?

These are the basics!

No Xanny bars? White crosses? Special K?

Moon rocks? No zip-its, pop-its, whippits?

Black beauties or cocaine? Also known as yayo,

power flour, talk chalk, devil's dandruff

or sniffy jiffy?

- No.

- No shanaynay?

No vajayjay?

No. Just aspirins and weed.

So, you're supposed to be taken seriously

in your chosen new profession?

And you don't move no purple microdot?

No gold paint to huff?

No angel dust?

PCP? Molly? Charlie? Charlie Car? Crank?

Ice? Crack? Boom? Pow?

Shnizzle? Zoomers?

Boomers? Husker Dus?

Oh, wait, I think that's

a firecracker, isn't it?

No, it's both.

Uh, no yellow jackets, morning wood, or

one single bottle of codeine cough syrup?

With or without the Jolly Rancher.

You must get high all the time.

You seem psycho.

Uh, wait, was this a dream?

Yeah, this is gonna be a dream.

Oh, then I can say somethin' mean back.

All right, say it again.

You must get high all the time.

You seem psycho.

Oh, you must bone a lot of dudes.

You seem like a whore.

- I do.

- Oh, backfire!

I'm so glad this is a dream

and you ain't a drug dealer!

You're right, Joe, it is a dream.

Come on, Kicking Ass, kick him

off the train, I wanna get high.

Don't you understand, Joe?

This whole dream represents you trying

to become something you shouldn't be.

Think about that, Joe.

Oh, man, it was great to see

Kicking Wing, but not as a drug dealer.

And that's when it hit me.

What... What he was trying to tell me!

What he wanted me to figure out was...

Then I got sleepy.

Yo! Molly Mulletson.

It's me, the clumsy segue fairy.

You're dreamin'.

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