Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #7

We're inside a dream

that's inside a daydream

that's being influenced by

a vague sense of ennui.

And this is Joe Dirt 2,

and why have we overwritten this?

Now go back to sleep, you're gonna wake up

in the middle of nowhere.

REM.

Them dreams is trying

to tell me somethin'.

Especially Kicking Wing!

I don't even know what

Zander Kelly was doin' in there.

And I have no idea what

"on we" means either.

All in all, I was startin' to feel like

Alice in Wonderland.

You know, if Alice was a cool dude

and Wonderland was a place where

everyone benches a lot.

You're cool, and...

Yeah, that's a bad comparison,

but things was definitely getting weirder.

Hey, guys, what's crappenin'?

What's your name?

Well, listen, it's a bit unusual

and I've heard all the jokes

and I've heard them about my hair,

so you might as well skip it.

It's Joe Dirt.

Dirt? That's a pretty shitty name,

don't you think?

Yeah, I guess we're not going to skip it.

Yeah, listen, it could've been Connor or

Willow or Aiden or Jaden

or maybe Colby or Tristan...

How's your health?

That's a bit personal.

Well, my health is good, I feel like

it might get worse in a few minutes...

You ain't a smoker, huh?

No, but I do dip Skoal.

Just a pinch between my cheek and gum.

I've tried Cope, you know, between us.

But it's a little strong. I get dizzy.

I like to call it the poor man's

amusement ride.

You're about to go on a big ride.

Bright light!

Ah!

Sore to the touch!

Oh, somebody's getting

a bad stitchin' award.

What did they do?

Seashell? Oh, I'm at the beach!

Oh, sandcastle time!

- So they harvested me.

- What?

Yeah.

- Harvested you?

- Yeah, they dug deep. They got my kidney,

they got my gallbladder,

they got some liver parts.

I guess they were making some cat food or

something, I dunno.

Oh, I thought that was just, like,

an urban legend.

- How creepy.

- Yeah. Yeah.

You know, maybe I started that.

After the surgery, they left all kinds

of crap inside me, like, you know.

- On accident, I'm guessin'.

- What?

They left scissors inside me,

they left a hamburger wrapper,

39 cents in change, and some of those

plastic pluggy things

that you stick in a corn

cob to hold it better?

Also one of them cans that says moo

when you turn it upside down?

- No.

- You say, no?

Hang on.

There we go.

It's nice to see you laughin'.

My little girls would laugh so hard

at that. They'd think it's so funny.

I wish I could hear that.

- So, where was this beach?

- Uh, actually, it was a desert island.

I was there a long time.

About 12 years.

"Dear Whoever Finds This

Message in a Bottle, I'm trapped

"on a desert island, and I'm losing

hope of ever being found, man.

"Uh, I probably just wasted time writing the

word 'man, ' it wasn't a necessary word

"and I don't have much ink, so that's dumb.

"I'm using my own blood.

"I'm crossing off 'man.

' Sorry for the mess.

"As I gaze out to sea at

the rocks that look like

"a giant church steeple,

it makes me think of

"the day I married the

love of my life, Brandy.

"I miss her. I miss my girls.

I'm lonely out my ass.

"I hope somebody gets this and replies.

"PS, No smokers. Ha-ha. I'm just kidding.

"Signed, Joe Dirtay.

"PPS, AKA Joe Dirt. I ain't foolin' nobody

with the Dirtay thing. I'll give up on it."

Gonna take a freight train

Down at the station, Lord

I don't care where it goes

Gonna climb a mountain

The highest mountain

And gonna jump off,

nobody gonna know

Can't you see

Oh, can't you see

What that woman, Lord

She been doin' to me

Can't you see

Can't you see

Tastes like jellyfish.

Oh, yeah. You like that, Wilson?

You're not getting away! Yeah, take that!

Okay, this one goes out to all

the angel fish out there.

You know who you are. Let them

in the front. Come on now.

I ain't never comin' back

Ride me a south-bound

You like that, shell?

Hey, which way out? I need an exit sign.

Oh, there you are.

Sorry for the delay, folks. I took a crap.

I buried it. I put some sand on it.

It's not totally gone, but...

Nobody go looking for it.

I didn't think you would.

Can't you see

Can't you see

What that woman

Whoo!

She been doin' to me

Whoo-hoo!

I hope this is mine.

"Dear Joe Dirt,

you sound so lonely and lost.

"And as I gaze out of my

Marriott Hotel window,

"I can see the same church-steeple rocks

you mention in your letter.

"Anyway, what hotel are you staying in?

"I'm in room 347. Write me back or call."

Marriott?

What the f***!

Twelve years I missed going to effing,

freaking, f***ing Taco Bell?

- Hey, mister.

- Huh?

Are you bigfoot?

What? No, man. No, I'm not bigfoot.

I'm tired-foot.

Hey, bigfoot, why did you climb all those

rocks over there instead of using this trail?

- What year is it?

- It's 1977, bigfoot.

Oh, man, what city am I in?

It's Miami, bigfoot.

Oh, man.

I need to go down just to wipe.

It's rough down there. I've been wiping

with seaweed and clamshells for 12 years.

- Ew!

- Gross, bigfoot.

- Bye, bigfoot.

- Oh, you gotta get going? Okay.

Yeah, see ya later, bigfoot.

Okay. I'll catch ya later.

Maybe I'll write it in a bottle

and throw it to ya.

I'm kidding. Wait, is this the way down?

Whoo-hoo!

Twenty-seven cents for all-new JD threads.

Whoo! Now I just gotta get

the bugs out of my hair.

Oh.

Skynyrd, man. Those poor guys.

I'm complaining about my stupid problems,

and these guys...

Screw them, man! I was on an island for

10 years. I'm in Florida!

What a dumb crap! I just get stupider!

Wait a second. Is that dude, Clem?

Wait, that's Clem!

Hey, Clem!

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Hey, hey, Clem.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.

Clem, hey.

Mr. Bennedetti, I'm sorry. My name's Joe Dirt,

I'm from the future. I know it sounds crazy.

I heard about the future.

Everybody's got a big head, right?

Enlarged. Eat pills to live.

You fly around with a jetpack.

Uh, not quite yet.

I mean, we have a Bedazzler.

Jetpacks are not at the Walmart

just as of now.

But we have the Cronut.

It's really doing well. I ate 30 once. I was

drunk. It was like 28, but I brag and say 30.

But here's the real thing, in the future, I

just want to tell you, it sounds crazy, I know,

but we're friends.

You're like a dad to me.

I mean, we hang out and you live

in Silvertown. You save me from bullies.

Vinny, whack this kid.

He's talking nonsense.

Then dump his body in a trunk, then dump

his crazy hair in a different trunk.

- You got it, Uncle Frank.

- No, no, Mr. Vinny, wait one sec...

I'm telling you I'm from the future.

I'll prove it.

Oh, there's a TV.

What's that, NASCAR?

I know NASCAR.

That's Daytona 500, I bet.

I can tell you who wins. Is that good?

If this was true,

you would become very important.

You've got five seconds.

I start counting on three.

What? Wait, what happened to one and two?

I had them whacked. Four.

Wait. God... Okay, hold on.

Daytona Speedway, 1977.

That's, oh, my God, Richard Petty, I think.

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