Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #8

STP car.

Then you got Darrel Waltrip in Gatorade.

AJ Foyt is third.

- Then Donnie Allison, and who's fifth?

- Five.

Cale Yarborough! Go! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

He-he. Ho-ho.

Guys, we just found a goose

that lays the golden eggs.

- Oh, I laid 'em.

- This goose's name is, what?

- I'm Joe Dirt!

- Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt.

Yeah, okay.

It's all right.

This was all paying off.

We was getting richer.

I was getting richer.

Travel my girl around the world

Traveling down the highway

Travel my girl around the world

Traveling down the highway

- Look, I did a perfect cartwheel.

- Dad, I bet you can't do that.

- Daddy...

- But I was missing my family.

Really missing them, something awful.

...a perfect cartwheel.

Dad, have you ever...

It sounds crazy,

but I recorded a bunch of actresses

doing a little jibber-jabber,

to remind me of home.

- I can do somersaults.

- Hey, Joe Dirt, watch my cartwheel.

Wait, no, not Joe Dirt.

Daddy, watch my cartwheel!

Dad, look, I can do a back

handspring! Can you do a flip, too?

So anyways, that's the whole story.

I know you believe me, 'cause all those

races I predicted and stuff came true.

Anyway, Clem. I know the future,

and I know something about you,

and I know something about your wife.

We must not know.

We're not supposed to know

the future that is laid out for us.

Because choices must remain for us to make.

That's how it must be.

What, are you saying that if you could

learn what's gonna happen in the future,

you don't even want to know?

Each day must remain without horizon.

We save it for the now.

Okay, yeah. I know what you're saying.

That you never know how hot it is

until you lose your shade tree.

No. I speak with more elegance than that.

I'm not talking trifles from a calendar or

a bumper sticker or a poster of that cat.

- You've seen it. It's everywhere.

- Mmm.

A cat hangs upside down from a tree.

Underneath the cat it says, "Hang in there."

- Right.

- This is nonsense.

The cat must not just hang there.

The cat must go fix its problems.

The cat must find the thing

that gives it trouble

and smack that thing

in the side of the head with a brick.

The cat must ask, "Does your mother sew?

"Huh? Ka-boom-baf!

"Get her to stitch that."

- You see what I'm saying?

- Yeah, cats are hard to train. I know.

But, Clem, I mean, Mr. Bennedetti...

You've convinced me that we are

friends in the future. Call me Clem.

Oh, man.

I love it. Well, Clem, you just turned

my life around, man. You made me rich.

Me, too!

- Yeah.

- This is like a crazy accident, I saw you.

Because now I'm gonna be able to

buy my kids so much stuff.

I'm gonna be so important to them now.

Joe, I think, you've not learned all

the things you need to know from me,

but, for now, there's something more

important that bothers me.

Concerns me.

- This girl you talk about, this Brandy?

- Yeah.

Something nags me in the back of my head.

What if you miss

the first time you meet her?

Everything's gonna be off.

The future's gonna be bat-sh*t crazy.

Oh.

That's so true. That's so smart.

I didn't think of that.

Clem, I need to make it back to where

I first met Brandy.

To make everything happen.

That's when her dog's balls

got stuck on her porch.

He was licking his balls,

and it was 40 below zero outside.

- What do you expect?

- Yeah.

Joe, let's have one for the road.

I don't even know if I should have a drink

because I got my liver taken out.

- Who gives a sh*t, huh? Okay.

- Yeah. Okay. Let's do it.

No kidney, no problem.

That's right. Let's do it.

Oof!

Yeah.

Daddy, where are you?

Oh, man.

Oh, you're awake.

- Not feeling good, I bet, huh?

- No.

I think I was drunk. 'Cause, you know,

I had some of my innards harvested.

Yeah. That would explain the empty spots

on the X-ray.

But drunk is an understatement.

They found you running naked with

a Roman candle sticking out of your ass.

You tried to eat a bunch of pigeons,

then you climbed onstage at

a Donnie Osmond concert,

screaming, "What did y'all

do with Van Halen?"

And then this huge guy punched you

incredibly hard directly in your testicles.

Check this out.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

Ah! That's me!

Your balls are basically like, "Hey, man, let's

go see what his throat is talking about!"

Oh!

There was a tour bus that was driving by.

There was a bunch of Japanese,

and you know how those people

are with their cameras.

My wife is Asian!

What's up with the jokes? Like, what are

you, some grand wizard or something?

- No, man, I didn't say nothing.

- You nodded.

You nodded like a motherf***er.

Anyway, the punch was so masterful

that your testicles are up way inside you

and they would have gone a lot higher

had they not bounced off your heart.

Oh, wait, my ball sack's where?

Your balls are in your stomach

and your sacks are literally

being digested as we speak.

And that's not fantastic, so what we're

gonna have to do is yank them out.

- You mean, gently extract?

- Yes.

By extract we mean yank.

And so, we have these things that look like

salad tongs. Actually they are salad tongs

from the Sizzler salad bar.

You know, there's always some good p*ssy

at Sizzler.

Sizzler, yeah. I'm usually buried in

cornbread. I don't look up.

I usually say this may hurt a bit,

but this is definitely gonna hurt.

All right, are you ready? Let's breathe.

Whoa, is there a parakeet!

Huh? In here?

Damn, man, why are you yelling?

Why did you yell in my ear?

Well it hurt, like a mofo!

Yeah, but what about my ear?

You could've turned your face that way.

You could've screamed at that wall.

But you wanted to yell in my... Ew! Whoa!

- Whoa, what?

- Whoa.

Whoa, good news?

Uh, you can say that I definitely

extracted your balls.

A lot of credit goes to

the workout regimen I've been on.

They're hanging a little low, man.

They do hang, but how low?

Remember Clackers?

Oh, Clackers, that's my balls.

Oh, that's too far.

Don't worry, balls have a great

healing mechanism.

You'll be back May, June.

Wait, May or June?

I've got to go to Silvertown by tomorrow!

Uh, you shouldn't do that.

You shouldn't travel.

See, your balls look like tube socks

with lemons in them.

And that's usually the side effect from

the yankotomy I performed.

Oh, but if I don't go to Silvertown,

I don't meet Brandy,

and my whole future is thrown off.

Do you understand? I gotta go!

Okay.

Good evening, folks,

we'll be starting our descent into Spokane,

Washington, in a few minutes.

So, if anyone needs to use the restroom,

please do so now.

Good idea. I'm gonna take a pee real quick.

Oh.

Whoa!

Turbulence, everybody.

Give me a second.

Are those your balls?

Yeah. Is that an apple?

Turbulentay.

Oh.

Dang, too much turb.

Gotta sit down and pee like a little girl.

My nuts!

My balls!

- Sir, are you okay in there?

- No, look!

- My nuts got sucked in, look!

- Oh, my God!

- What'd you do that for? That's so stupid.

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