Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #9

- I'm not on trial here. I did an accident.

What's going on?

- Oh, good, sweet, Lord God.

- I need help.

This man has gotten his ball sack stuck

down the toilet.

I just got sucked. It's an accident.

I pushed the thing.

- I'm sorry. I quit. I hate balls to start off with.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- No, I'm...

- Don't quit, I need help!

You are helping me out with this.

I don't know what to do.

They didn't deal with this in

stewardess school.

Sir, you've got to lift

them up when I flush. Okay?

That doesn't sound like it's gonna work.

- One, two, three.

- No, no, no!

It didn't work! It didn't work.

Well, we're gonna try it again.

I'm gonna try it again. One, two, three.

No, no, no!

You b*tch!

What're you doing? I'm sorry.

Don't do it! I never say the "B" word.

But it hurts too much. You can't do that.

We need to think of a new strategy.

- What is going on out here, ladies?

- Have a look.

- What is... What the... Whoa! Whoa!

- Yeah.

I'm gonna get you guys some help.

Let's clean that up.

You want me to clean this up first

or get the guy's balls out of the toilet?

- Watch your face, sir. It's coming in!

- Get out of here with your foot!

I'm gonna get you back to your seat,

you gotta get your nuts up out of that...

Don't kick me, Jackie Chan!

- I passed out for a minute.

- Oh, right.

Not again, you b*tch!

Do you really have to parade me

across the tarmac?

Is there not a shortcut?

I'm out here on display.

Hey, gals.

I'm usually in a Hemi.

Oh, man. Is there a second gear on this?

You see what that is, right? You see it?

- This is crazy.

- His left nut is right in that one gear.

Right there in the gear box.

And his other one, his other nut...

- Where'd you take off from? Miami?

- Miami.

- His other nut's probably back in Miami.

- Where?

- They might have to ship it to you, buddy.

- Are you funning me?

Just hand me pliers and,

what do you think about a saw?

A saw? Wait, like a hacksaw?

Like to hack it off? No, no.

No saw by my balls. Thanks.

- Hey, buddy, can you let us concentrate?

- How long's this gonna take?

Like four or five hours.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Four or five hours? No way, man.

I gotta take an airplane to Idaho.

I gotta be honest, man,

planes are out of the question.

- You're gonna have to drive.

- Drive? I can't drive with these balls.

Plus I drive Mopar,

not some crummy rental car.

So I rented a car.

And now I was heading home,

but of course I ran out of gas. Typical.

Everyone saw that coming.

And then I hopped a train,

and that was fun, 'cause the guy

even let me drive it for a second.

Well, I screwed that up fast.

I didn't stick around to fill out no

paperwork, I just started running.

I'm actually a good runner.

I'm actually not.

Oh, man.

If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.

Oh, man. Hey, Foggle.

Phonebook's looking a little

thinner these days.

How 'bout you give us them boots.

And we'll kill you only half as slow

as we was gonna.

How did you find me, man?

I met you back in 1965.

Joe Dirt, we're the dream you can't slip.

The ache in your heart.

The darkness just outside of your light.

We've been hounding you since the day

you was left behind like garbage

by your ma and pa.

We're an allegory and a reality,

and your time is up.

This is gonna be good.

Hey.

I don't like your tone.

You're talking to my boy all wrong.

Hey, Clem!

Who are you?

I've come to check on my boy, Joe Dirt.

He's my goose that lays the golden eggs.

You don't mess with my goose,

unless you're a gander.

- Tell me, are you a gander?

- No!

No, I'm not a gander!

Clem, I'm so glad to see you, man.

But I gotta get out of here.

I've got to get to

Brandy's house right now!

I want those boots, pissant!

Joe, go meet your woman.

I will take care of these dunskies.

You know, we're kind of running

the show here.

We've got our chains and knives.

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

Especially if I've got the guns.

Not now, darling.

Hey, Clem,

you don't have to do this for me, buddy.

Joe Dirt, we may meet again someday.

I don't know.

But for that to happen,

you must meet your destiny.

You've learned how hot it is

when you lose your shade tree.

Go get your shade tree back.

Thanks, man.

Hey, by the way, why doesn't it sound

fruity when you say that?

You don't have time for the explanation.

I don't. Bye, Foggle. I gotta go.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo.

- Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt!

Ah.

And you.

You're done with Joe Dirt.

You must never haunt his dreams again.

You must never be that voice of doubt

that makes him think he's not good.

Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.

I'll let you know when it's over.

Hey, does your mother sew?

Ka-boom-baf!

Get her to stitch that!

Charlie!

We've got to get you unstuck.

Is there anybody out

there that will help me?

Oh, it's you!

Yeah.

Thank goodness. We've gotta help Charlie.

I was born to help Charlie.

What's going on?

I was thinking maybe

warm water and a spatula?

- That's a great idea.

- Okay.

Man, keep your mouth shut, mutt.

All right. I'm looking at you, too.

He's all good. Come on back.

Oh!

Charlie!

- Jimmy, thank you!

- You're welcome.

- It ain't nothing.

- How did you do that?

Don't worry about it.

That's a guy thing, right there.

Brandy, hey.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

It's me, Brandy, Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt?

What kind of name is that?

It's me. We're supposed to meet here,

right now. Right exactly now, with Charlie.

We become friends,

and eventually we get married.

Boy, what are you talking about?

Is you wasted or something?

Um, Mr. Dirt, I can't talk right now.

- Jimmy and I need to tend to my dog.

- Brandy, I'm rich now.

I'm super rich.

I'm somebody that's worth loving.

Mr. Dirt, money doesn't interest me

all that much.

I'm more interested in a man that is kind.

Like somebody that would

help a dog in distress.

Well, hell, just yesterday, I saved 15

raccoons by giving them mouth-to-mouth

'cause they was choking

on garbage and stuff.

Heck, I'll save anybody.

Especially you, Brandy.

You know, 'cause I am armed!

A-R-M-D right there.

Well,

it was nice meeting you, Mr. Dirt.

Yeah, later, Dirt.

- Jimmy, would you like some ice cream?

- Why, hells to the yes. Get on in there!

Love hurts

Love scars

Love wounds

And marks

And that was it.

I missed my destiny.

Just like that it was all gone.

I'm sorry, Joe. I really am.

Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

Right now you're probably

the only friend I have.

Oh, there's my bus!

See ya!

Wow, where's the fire, lady?

He got kicked to the curb!

Joe Dirt f***ed up a couple things.

Damn, she just left him.

That boy was left with nothing.

But, you know, last time

all he had was his freedom.

And you know what freedom is.

Yeah.

Just another word for nothing left to lose.

Look at you all growed up

and being Starsky and Putz!

I had a cousin named Randy.

Yeah.

But much like Ned Beatty braced against

the shale wall in Deliverance,

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