Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #10

this time he's got sh*t tons to lose.

But, come on, it's Joe Dirt. There's always

one more ace up his wife-beater.

Let's pick this story back up.

Get out of the road!

What's up?

Hey, dude. Where'd you come from?

You scared the crap out of me.

Looks like you've just

completely given up, huh, Joe?

Look out... Oh, man,

that car just drove through you!

Like a car driving through you.

Are you some sort of ghost or something?

Ghost-like. Yeah, check this out.

Put your hand right here. Just touch it.

Oh, no, that's your private parts, man.

Private, but you're invited.

Go ahead. Put it right there.

It'll go right through me. I won't even

feel it. I won't even feel it. Go ahead.

- Really? All right, I ain't being fruity.

- Yeah. All right.

Oh, it did!

Aw, yeah.

- That felt nice.

- No man, don't say that. That's wrong.

You could've bought me dinner first.

We just met.

You talk slow, but you move fast.

Yeah, it's like there's a dog whistle

in my pants and only you can hear it.

Do it again, one more time, I wanna see if

you can get me off again.

No, I didn't get you off, man,

I ain't no party boy.

Come on, Joe. I'm just messing with you.

I was trying to lighten the mood.

I never figured you for a quitter.

Weren't you the guy who once said,

"Life's a garden, dig it?"

Yeah, I also said, "Say it, don't

spray it." But that Joe's gone, man.

"Life's a garden, dig it,"

ain't nothing but a bumper sticker.

Well, don't you think that sometimes bumper

stickers have a little bit of truth in them?

Yeah, you know the one that says, "Wrap it

in latex, or she'll get your paychecks."

- That one's got lots of truth. Yeah.

- Sure.

Sure, and then I remember

that one that said "Coexist."

Yeah, that's not as funny.

And then they took the coexist

and they changed it to "Joe-exist"

to put his hands on dick.

Come on, Joe. I want you to come with me.

I want to show you something.

I wanna take you to Silvertown.

Silvertown? No way, man. That place is

1,000 miles away. Literally and finger...

And fig...

Fig Newtonally.

Were you going for "Figuratively"?

'Cause I know that you were

just going for some

homo action in my pants just a minute ago.

Joe, when you're with me Silvertown

is just a second away.

All right.

Wait a second, is this Silvertown?

Oh, man, it's all gone to hell.

What happened?

You didn't happen, Joe.

It all went to hell.

Although, my guess is you would have

rather had it go to the Thunder Down Under.

The Thunder Down Under show?

That's a bunch of dudes dancing around.

Why do you keep saying crap like that?

You couldn't wait

to get your hand on my dick.

And I get it, you know,

we all want what we can't have.

You want to touch what's on

the other side of the light,

and the closest thing to you was my dick.

But you wanted to wear it

like a f***ing wristwatch,

which would be great, right?

Then you could say,

"Oh, what time is it?

It's 15 minutes to dick."

Snapper, 11 o'clock.

Nine o'clock.

Snapper.

I'd drink a gallon of her piss

just to see where it came from.

Oh.

That's nice. Yeah, yeah.

I've got Brandy, she's

my girl, and I don't...

But I guess, what they say you know,

"You're on a diet

but don't mean you can't look at the menu."

Right?

Just because you're petting the dog

don't mean you can't have sex with it.

- Right?

- I don't know.

You're creeping me out.

You're so creepy. You're so creepy.

My dick had you at hello and now you're

talking about having sex

with animals and sh*t.

I don't get you.

No, dude.

Okay, you're twisting things around.

I just said Silvertown looks way different,

but I didn't say sex with animals,

that don't turn me on, man, that's...

That's weird stuff, I mean...

Maybe Jessica Rabbit...

It's not called Silvertown anymore.

Jimmy Yauch bought this joint,

changed its name to Jimmy Town.

What...

What? Dude, why would he do that?

Well, he got rich, Joe.

He got rich as hell.

But all he does anymore is sit around

and pop Molly cut with ketamine and sh*t.

Trip his balls off.

Joe, about what happened back there,

you know when you fisted me?

I don't want things to get weird

between the two of us.

But if I could just be serious for

a second, "What do balls taste like?"

You know, did you go to

guardian angel school?

Because I feel like maybe you flunked out.

Hey! Hey, you little punks!

Come back here!

Third time this week

kids have ripped me off.

This used to be a town for families,

community.

Yeah.

I don't know, the last few decades,

hell, something's gone missing. It's

like... Well, it's like the glue is gone.

Someone stole Silvertown's glue?

Oh, wait, is that one of them metaphors

you talked about?

- Who are you talking to?

- Oh, sorry, man. This here is Clair.

He can't see me, Joe.

For Christ's sake,

kids ripping off comic books,

a**holes standing around talking to

themselves. It's all just bullshit!

Oh, man.

Joe? Brandy's just outside of town.

Brandy lives here?

This don't seem like her

kind of place at all.

Well, these days this is her kind of place.

Her life went down a different path

on the day that she didn't meet you.

She's changed. I mean,

she is still cute as a little puppy.

If that little puppy had great tits

and a nice ass.

Oh, man...

It's like diarrhea, I can't stop.

You should see for yourself, though.

Oh, hey, man, how did you do that?

Well, because I'm an angel, you moron!

- Joe, I want you to find Brandy.

- Okay.

You hear that? It's poetry.

Poetry?

Brandy finally gave me the gift

I knew she always had to give.

All the great words.

The great magical turns of a phrase.

That lives within me now

and informs my music.

It's all because of her.

So you know what I'm thinking?

You all want to get wasted?

- Yeah!

- Get real wasted, real fast!

- Yeah!

- Party like a rock star?

- Yeah!

- Well, all right!

Yeah!

Here's what I'm thinking, tampons!

Come on, man, hear me out, man.

You soak them in vodka, and then

we shove them straight up our asses.

Oh, wait, what?

No, no, it will get you hammered ASAP, man.

Mark McGrath does it every night.

I don't know. That seems weird, a little.

Do you guys question the iPhone?

Well, yeah, but this seems different

than an iPhone.

You can't compare an iPhone with a tampon.

Stop being such a bunch of pussies now!

I demand you to stop being pussies.

Now start to soaking and get to shoving!

Or you're out of my entourage!

All of youse!

Keep soaking and shoving. Soak and shove.

- I want to hear you boys say it now.

- Soak and shove.

Ooh, you better be right about that.

- All right.

- Oh, yeah.

It's hard to get in there, boss.

Don't worry about it, man. Just keep shoving,

it will get there. It will get there.

How are you doing, Cal?

Eight, nine, 10...

Oh, yeah, 14! These things

are going up, like, easy-peasy.

- What?

- Fourteen?

What do you say? What? Who said that?

What are you saying?

I thought I was eating them?

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