Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #11

- I thought you said eat them?

- He wasn't eating them, man.

You said eat them. I had, like, 14.

I was eating them.

They taste like cotton candy.

Wait a minute, did you say butt, man?

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

He was putting them up his butt.

This guy! This guy was putting them

up his butt.

What an idiot! What an idiot!

They all went up your butt, Cal.

I seen them all go up your butt.

No. No! This sucks!

No! I'm done with this party!

You suck, Jimmy!

No, you don't suck. You're great, man. I

love you. You're awesome. You're the best.

You're the best. He sucks!

No, I'm out. This is terrible.

- Dude, stay! Stay! Stay! Hey!

- Jimmy, this is stupid.

No, Jimmy. What a dumb idea!

Hey, Jimmy, we got a situation out here.

Hey, come on, man.

We're doing a science experiment here.

Oh, yeah, but there's this guy out here.

What's up?

Look, man.

We caught this dude without an invitation.

You want me to throw his ass out?

- I know you, right?

- You know me, yeah!

It's Joe Dirt. Jimmy, I can't believe

you're such a huge star.

This big house, man.

It seems like just yesterday we was

hanging out at the gas station...

Oh, now, hold up a second. I ain't never

hung out with nobody named Joe Dirt.

And I ain't about to start right now.

Oh, yeah.

You know,

I think I confused you for somebody.

Yeah, I think you did.

Hey, get this boy a drink.

Maybe clear his head up a little bit.

- Nah, man, I'm cool.

- No, you ain't.

Dang, I walk into that every time.

Hey, is Brandy around?

- What did you say?

- Is Brandy here?

Oh, you asking about Brandy now?

You coming up in my house,

actin' all buddy-buddy like,

and now you're hitting on my wife?

No, I didn't mean...

Your wife? Brandy's not your...

- Yeah.

- What?

Oh, my God! When you took my place on the

porch, saving Charlie's balls, that's right.

Oh, wait a minute.

You're that dude that walked up on me

and Brandy that night on the porch

when I was saving that stupid mutt,

or something like that.

Oh, and you was talking about,

"Oh, Brandy, I love you.

"I got so much money

it's coming out of my butt."

It's no wonder Colt Ford

wrote a song about you.

Colt Ford wrote a song about me?

Yeah, man. The Ballad of Joe Dirt.

And here you are, stupid mullet,

stupid face and all of that.

Well, hello, ladies!

Lookey here, lookey here!

Hey, Jimmy, ain't you just say

you married to Brandy now?

She does her thing, I do my thing.

That's the way that thing goes.

How you doing? Where are your friends at?

Have you seen the Jacuzzi yet?

Whoo! You're going to love it.

Come on now. You got a twin sister?

Not cool.

Hey!

Brandy!

- How do I light this?

- This way, babe.

You do it.

This way, silly.

Brandy?

Hey!

Hey! I remember you.

You're that rich guy.

You were going to help me with Charlie

when he was stuck.

- Yeah.

- Until Jimmy beat you to it,

and helped me instead.

Might have been the last time

Jimmy helped me with anything.

Look, it's the moron with

the Tennessee top hat.

Tennessee top hat.

That's actually a good one, fellas.

I had not heard that one before.

- They've got some new stuff.

- Oh, yeah?

I bet you never heard

that you're a winner, either!

Jimmy would have liked that one!

I love Jimmy!

Where is Jimmy?

Forget about Jimmy, baby.

- You're with me now.

- Katrina, you're so sweet.

- You're such a good friend to me.

- Oh, yeah.

You look so hot tonight, Brandy.

- Doesn't she look hot, boys?

- Yeah!

Yes!

I don't think she looks that hot.

I mean, no, I mean she's gorgeous,

but that's not the Brandy I'm used to.

You don't look like that.

I mean, you look slutty

hot, and that's good.

Slutty hot is good,

it's just not the regular hot.

But believe me, there's a place

for slutty hot, guys like that.

But Brandy isn't that kind of hot,

you're innocent, sweet hot.

I mean, sluts are great. You know what?

I'm digging a hole. I can get out of it.

Uh, Brandy, what's been happening

in Silvertown?

Brandy's been happening.

Oh, boy, I didn't think those

M's was ever going to stop.

This girl's got more M's than M&M's.

'Cause M&M's...

No laughs. Absolutely zero.

When Jimmy's here you

laugh at everything...

He cuts a fart,

everyone cracks up for two hours.

This town is called Jimmy Town now.

My husband renamed it.

I kind of miss the old name.

And all that came with it.

Mmm. Brandy?

I'd like to be all that

came with it to you.

Katrina, that tickles.

Jimmy will get mad. He always gets mad.

No, he'll just grab a camera and pop a rod.

You're just a lost little girl, Brandy.

I didn't used to be.

I used to be a strong, independent woman.

I don't know what happened to me.

- It could be the heroin.

- Heroin, man?

What's going on in this town?

It's all mixed up.

I don't know what is and isn't

mixed up anymore.

You're so deep, Brandy.

You like when I do this to you, don't you?

I bet you're wearing those silk little

panties I bought for you, ain't you?

Don't say ain't or your mother will faint.

- Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.

- Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.

Wow. You and me.

We have a connection, Joe Dirt.

We used to always say that.

I say it all the time to our kids...

To, uh... To my kids.

Kiss me, Brandy. Like you mean it, girl.

Don't be halfway with me no more, Brandy.

Okay, that's it. Show's over, everybody.

Stop it right there, that's enough.

- What are you doing?

- What the hell?

What are you, queer?

Hey,

Brandy, in another life we get married,

we fall in love.

We have three beautiful kids,

Cheyenne, Abilene and Dakota.

Those are such sweet names.

Well, that's because you picked them.

- I picked dumb names.

- Stay on topic, Joe.

Oh, man, you scare me because you

come out of nowhere sometimes.

Tell her. Tell her what you've learned.

- Tell her how you feel now.

- Oh, yeah. Okay.

I think I got it.

- Who's he talking to?

- I don't know.

All right, Brandy. Me and you was together.

And everything was going great,

and we was really happy.

And then something terrible happened,

and I got taken away from you and the kids,

and then now,

I think I'm sent back to learn a lesson

- that if I have money...

- Oh, what the hell!

Come on! Damn it, Joe,

you still don't get it?

Look, they told me you were dumb,

but it's almost like you're an

"I'm joking" kind of dumb.

Look, I give up here.

I guess I'm not going to get my wings

and I'm never going to hear

that beautiful sound.

What sound?

Well, you hear a certain kind of clang

when an angel gets its wings. Whatever.

- I, look...

- Oh, wait.

When an angel gets its wings? That's from

a movie or something, like a TV show?

Shut up, dude!

You're seriously bumming out the vibe

in this room.

Brandy here had a monsoon in her panties,

thinking about me.

And then you walk in here not remembering

lines from It's a Wonderful Life.

That's it.

I'm trying to get down,

and you're getting me down.

Look, this is just too confusing.

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