Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser Page #12

I've had too much to drink.

I got to go.

- I got to go.

- Let me... Can I talk...

What did you do?

Brandy, I think I know what I'm supposed

to know now.

I'm going to be different!

I don't know what you're saying,

just please stop.

I'm married to Jimmy.

But he doesn't feel like

he's married to me.

My life feels like it is

spinning out of control.

Goodbye, Joe Dirt.

Well, that went great.

I don't know what's going on anymore, man.

I don't know what I'm supposed to learn.

Well, you're not very bright.

Come on, I ain't no toaster scientist.

What am I supposed to learn?

I bench 150 on a good day.

The fact that I'm supposed to memorize

a spark-plug gap

on a Plymouth 383?

I don't know. I just want my old life back.

150's not that great.

Hey, Clair.

Hey, wait, you're that woman that yelled

at me on the bus bench.

That's right. You fart-eater.

I'm the good witch. I'm the one

that sent this hunky angel to you.

- No offence, Clair.

- No offence? Really? Okay.

He's like that angel that saved that

cracker-ass Jimmy Stewart.

And helped that white, racist-ass town.

Tell me something, how come they don't

ever have any angels to save a black town?

You don't think black towns could

use some help once in a while?

You ever seen Detroit?

That town is sucking some misery dick.

How come them b*tches in Hollywood don't

throw us a bone every once in a while?

Wait a second, you're the good witch?

Well, maybe you should

work on your, like, presentation,

because it comes off a little

rough around the edges.

But I have to say, ma'am,

with all due respect,

this is who I am. I'm Joe Dirt.

Okay? And I'm fine with it.

I'm not mean to other people like you are.

In fact, I made some money

with this guy, Clem,

and if you need it for that city, Detroit,

then you could have it all to help them.

I don't care.

Because I thought it was about being rich,

and showing my family I had a lot of money,

and being famous like Lynyrd Skynyrd,

but that don't matter.

It's about me being me. Just me.

And I'm okay with that.

And they're okay with that.

- Well I'll be dipped in sh*t.

- Holy hell, he gets it.

What? What happened?

You got it, Joe Dirt.

- You learned your lesson.

- Yeah, you're going home, Joe.

You're going home. You know, uh...

I was Foggle, did you know that?

You was Foggle? Oh, wait,

you're both sort of, like, homophobic.

Maybe, yeah, I see it.

Well, I was acting,

and I made some interesting choices.

Well, a little big at first,

but I thought I reeled him in.

I had to be convincing.

- Those guy would have raped me...

- Oh, f*** that acting sh*t!

This boy's going home.

Click those boots together, Joe Dirt,

you know what to say.

I just say, "There ain't

no place like home"?

Joe, I want to thank you

for giving my wings.

You got your wings?

I did. Well, I'm going to get them now.

- Am I supposed to hear a clang?

- You will.

Daddy...

You're the most handsomest man

that I have ever seen.

Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.

Life's a garden, dig it.

When are you coming back?

- Home is where you make it.

- You like to see homos naked?

No, no, no, no. Home is where you make it.

Ain't nothing like home.

Ain't nothing like home.

Joe! Wake up!

- Joe?

- Brandy!

Is this a dream?

Is this a dream again?

No, it's real! Get over here. Oh, come on!

Where have you guys been?

Oh!

I missed you! Look at you, huh?

- Hey!

- Hey, baby.

- I think it's good.

- Oh, my God!

- I know, I gotta get 'em.

- Get his stick!

Come on, you little hicks.

So that is the whole story, it's crazy.

Joe, we love you just the way you are.

We do, Daddy!

We love you!

We wouldn't trade you for any other Daddy

in the whole wide world.

Did you practice that? It sounds too good.

No.

Hold up, hold up.

Wait a second, this looks familiar.

What's wrong?

There's no way.

That was all a dream.

It doesn't matter, never mind.

What is it, Daddy?

It...

Whoa, can't you see

What that woman, Lord

She been doin' to me

Can't you see

Can't you see

What that woman

She been doin' to me

Babe, we're rich.

Rich? Why, you've always

been rich, Joe Dirt.

You just needed to find

that out for yourself.

Ooh!

Daddy and Mommy!

Ha-ha! That's right! Whoo!

Mommy likes me. Come on, let's go.

Come on, babies.

Can't you see

Oh, can't you see

What that woman, Lord

She been doin' to me

Can't you see

Can't you see

What that woman

She been doin' to me

He's got a backhoe

it's Caterpillar yellow

He's a heller of a feller

a drinking storyteller, with a DUI

He's illegal to drive

But he legally drinks

and gets illegally high

One night, while he's up in the sky

he looked at that backhoe, asked himself

"Why not?"

I'm going to drive that thing

It's a loophole, man, the DUI don't pertain

I'm only driving to the bar

down on Main Street

Now he's digging

Got a hot little honey

hanging out of that cab

Just digging

Got the windows tinted

and a bass tune hitting

Digging!

Creeping past the po-po, incognito

Like Joe Dirt, that's how he's living

Life's a garden, man

and he's just digging

Wearing a cat hat with a meow-meow kitty

Rolls up in the club, pimpin' like Diddy

With the beer tipping

Just sippin' on suds

Putting shots back

and tripping with his buds

No, thank you.

Whoo!

Old comic books in mint condition

for 10 cents apiece.

Give old...

Well, long story short, we stomped

those three dudes so hard

they got to take their boots off to piss.

Anyway, this... Motherf***er!

Seriously? Seriously?

- What, is it 2015?

- Oh, my God.

I thought I had this turned off.

This is embarrassing.

Joe, I want to talk to you.

I like you. You have funny

hair, but I like you.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, funny guy.

As a matter of fact, if you want to

stay awake right now,

you'll still be on the road,

in the middle of nowhere.

Your call. REM.

That's so stupid.

No, thank you.

Oh, man, old comic books in mint condition

for 10 cents apiece.

You give old Joe Dirt lemonade,

he's gonna give you... F*** you!

One more, then I gotta go to lunch.

Wait, you're twisting stuff.

Like I say something,

and then you say it back different.

You're supposed to be

a nice guardian angel, like...

I don't picture people like you.

- Anyway, I don't get horny by...

- Let's go.

I don't get horny... I'm gonna get it out.

I don't get horny from animal sex.

But I like Jessica Rabbit.

- Really?

- She's fuckable, yeah.

- I kind of get a gay vibe from you.

- Yeah, I've heard that.

Can someone open this for me?

Did somebody fart on this?

What did I do?

What? Those two farts were accidents.

Wait. No. What?

"Wait. No. What?"

What? I have a medical condition.

They did it on purpose.

Fine. I don't even work here.

Stuff you actually made up to sound cool

because you were on shrooms,

but actually makes you

sound like a dipshit.

So I'm gonna say no.

Hey, John. I'm up here at Load C. Some

a**hole went diarrhea all over the seat.

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