Joe Rogan: Triggered Page #2

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Being president is great

if there's like 50 people.

If there's 50 people,

you can figure out which one's the best.

Three hundred million people?

I have three kids. I don't know

where the f*** they are right now.

How is this one dude

in charge of 300 million people?

It's nonsense.

It's so old and stupid.

They make this guy sleep

in this f***ing White House.

If Trump wins, you know his house

is cooler than the White House.

He's like, "I'm not sleeping

in that shitty-ass, stupid house."

Trump's probably got, like,

a tube at home that he opens up,

and a Chinese girl just pops out of it,

and sucks his dick and goes right back in.

That's what I would do

if I had that kind of money.

We're down to a**holes!

Where's Elon Musk when you need him?

Where's the f***ing geniuses?

Where's Mark Cuban?

No. We got an old lady trying

to get back at her husband

for a blowj*b he got in the '90s.

We got an old man who hates money.

And we got a reality TV star

with a plastic set of hair.

You can't have a president

with environmental concerns,

when every time

this motherf***er does his hair,

we lose a foot of ozone layer

and a polar bear bursts into flames.

He's got, like, a closet full

of Aqua Net at home.

You can't pretend you don't give a f***

when you have that thing going on, dude.

Stop that.

The White House got broken into

while Obama was in office.

The first time in over 100 years

that someone broke into the White House.

Also, the first time a girl

was guarding the front door by herself.

"What are you trying to say, that women

can't do everything men can do?"

Exactly. That's exactly what I'm saying.

That seems sexist, right?

People say, "You're sexist."

No, it's not sexist.

Here's why it's not sexist.

'Cause men can't even do

everything men can do.

See? There's no physical equality, folks.

That's why we have the Olympics.

'Cause there's people that can do

some sh*t that you and I can't do.

One of those things is guarding

the f***ing White House.

I know I can't guard the White House.

You know how I know?

Because I've met Shaquille O'Neal

and his dick is where my face is.

That's not equality.

That's not white privilege.

Listen, if the White House

is experiencing a Shaq Attack,

I'm the wrong dude to save the world.

I did Fear Factor with Shaq.

If we're holding hands, it'd be like

a six-year-old at the park with his dad.

We're barely the same thing.

So, do I think women should

guard the White House? No.

I don't think I should, either.

It's not sexist to say that women

can't do big physical labor things

as good as giant men can.

But people will tell you it is.

Well, I'm not sexist.

As a matter of fact,

my favorite people are all female.

I have a wife and I have three daughters.

They're my favorite people in the world.

But I could beat the f*** out

of all of them.

Okay? Listen...

If they're guarding the door,

I'm getting in.

I don't mean to sound cocky.

But I'm just real confident.

I could f*** them up if I had the flu.

Okay?

Yeah, we're different. We're different.

I could beat up my cat, too.

I'm not proud of it.

I just tell you what's up.

If you wanna bet money, bet money on me.

I'll f*** that cat up.

Most likely.

Cats are f***ing weird like that, man.

I was petting my cat once and he bit me.

I was like, "Whoa! Are we gonna do this?

What the f*** are you doing here?"

I got a little nervous.

Got a little nervous.

"Women can do everything men can do.

This guy's a piece of sh*t. We're leaving.

Too much information is going in

that I don't agree with!"

"What the guy said was total bullshit.

Total bullshit."

How'd that girl get that job?

I'll tell you how that girl got that job.

Because someone let her have that job.

Which means, either there were a bunch

of guys that were trying to f*** her...

or her boss was a chick and she hated her.

Either one's possible.

Look, if there was a bunch of guys

that were trying to f*** her,

that makes total sense.

If there's one hot girl and she's working

with five guys in an office,

no work's getting done in that office.

That office is now just an audition

to see which guy gets to f*** her.

Each one of those guys

will just slowly start to morph

to figure out what this girl likes.

Men become like an octopus that tries

to fit its way through a keyhole.

"There's gotta be a f***ing way.

There's gotta be a f***ing way!"

You got this girl who's like,

"I could guard the front door."

"Oh, you could definitely guard the door.

No doubt. No doubt."

And over time, if this woman doesn't sleep

with one of these men and claim him,

over time,

these guys will just start morphing.

And they'll just start saying ridiculous,

preposterous sh*t.

"Debbie wants to guard the front door.

Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, I don't. As a matter of fact,

I think women are amazing.

Plus, I'm vegan."

And they will just...

They will wear patchouli.

They will do what the f***

they have to do.

Next thing you know,

poor f***ing Debbie at the front door...

"Why am I alone?"

The whole story is so bananas.

And it's one of my favorite stories.

So I'm gonna give you the whole story

of the break-in at the White House

with no edits and no comic exaggerations.

This is the real story.

'Cause a lot of people think

there's some grand conspiracy.

There's some cabal of evil geniuses

that's pulling the strings

on everyone in America.

It's most likely that people

are just dumb as f***,

in all sorts of walks of life.

This is the story.

This is the real story about the person

who broke into the White House.

First of all, people are always worried,

"The government's

checking out my e-mails, bro.

The government's

watching us all the time."

They pulled this guy over two months

before he broke into the White House.

He had four handguns, two rifles

and a machete with him.

They didn't even watch him.

He had a map.

On the map was Washington,

and it had an "X"

where the White House is.

They're like, "You're good to go."

They let him go!

Two months later, this motherf***er

broke into the White House.

And why did he break into the White House?

Why do you break

into the White House ever?

Because you want to die.

You don't... That's like a suicide run.

That's the only reason why someone

runs toward the White House.

If you had to ask someone,

"What kind of security

do you think they have

at the White House?"

"Oh, dude...

they got snipers on every corner.

They got lasers in the grass.

If you get too far, they open up a door,

you drop right into jail."

Nope. Turns out they

don't even have a dog.

You just f***ing run.

The guy who made it into the White House,

he had 800 rounds of ammunition

in his car.

Left that there. Took a knife.

That's a guy who wants to die!

He's just sitting

in his f***ing car going,

"F*** the government!

F*** my ex-wife! And f*** everybody!

I'm gonna do this! F*** you!"

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