Joe Rogan: Triggered Page #8

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Every day, two more marbles.

You never get those marbles back.

You see it comin'.

You don't do anything about it.

You're like, "I gotta go to sleep.

All right, everybody stop crying.

I gotta go to sleep."

And men don't want to admit that.

"Not me, bro. Not me, bro.

I'd rather just live

in the woods by myself."

What are you,

a f***ing Coldplay song? Huh?

What are you, a character in a book,

you piece of sh*t?

No one's honest.

No one's honest

about how much we need other people.

That's why the characters

that we adore so much in the movies

are the people that don't need people.

The people who just walk away from it all,

like, "Wow, what a rebel!"

But in real life, we need people so bad

that the worst sh*t

you can do to a prisoner

is put them in solitary confinement.

So think about that.

You're in a cement box filled

with rapists and murderers.

And the worst sh*t they can do

is leave you alone.

We're f***ing weird.

We are weird,

'cause what we are really

is we're some weird superorganism

that, like, needs each other

in some sort of strange way.

But we're all in denial.

"I'm kind of a loner."

Oh, shut the f*** up.

There's no such thing. It's not real.

Every person in this room,

me included, all of us,

we are all a calculation.

We're all an ongoing,

on-running calculation

of all the interactions you've ever had

with all the people that you've ever met.

And you do a bunch of things

that people like,

and start doing more of that.

You're like, "I'll do more of that."

You find things that people don't like,

you're like,

"I'll keep that sh*t to myself, hmm.

I don't like that feeling. Hmm."

That's what we do.

That's what we do.

It's weird. We don't want to admit it.

But that's who we all are.

And I'm just telling you this

because I've never been more of a b*tch.

Right now, I have slowly but surely bent

until I'm in this position.

This is how I'm riding out my days,

just like this.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay."

But I'm also telling you right now

that I'm not going out like Bruce Jenner.

Oh!

That's right,

politically correct San Francisco.

Here's my take on this Bruce Jenner thing.

And, you know, everybody

has their own... Not really.

This is what everybody's take is.

This is the take

that you're supposed to have.

"He's always been a woman trapped

in a man's body."

Maybe. Definitely maybe.

Definitely people are like that.

Definitely, there are people

who were born in the wrong gender.

And am I saying

they should stay their gender?

No. Who gives a f***?

You should do whatever you wanna do.

You should be happy.

You should be free.

I don't care what you do.

But...

it's also possible that, maybe,

if you live with crazy b*tches

long enough,

you become one.

That's all I'm saying.

I don't see this discussed.

It is entirely possible.

If you put a praying mantis on a leaf,

it becomes the color of the leaf.

Why?

Because it wants to live.

It wants to survive.

It wants to be accepted

by its environment.

You show me a man who's lived

with the Kardashians for ten years

who didn't come out a chick,

and then we'll have some data, okay?

'Cause right now,

we lost a f***ing American Olympian,

and I want you to have some respect!

We're down Bruce Jenner.

And I've got a close eye on Kanye West,

and I don't exactly like what I'm seeing.

Look at Kanye West.

He's a very talented,

young, heterosexual man

who starts a clothing line...

he's clearly jealous about Taylor Swift,

and he tweets like a coked-up stripper

in the middle of the night.

You don't see what I'm seeing?

We are watching the plot

of a f***ing Stephen King book play out!

An American athletic hero moves in

with a woman

who's made hundreds of millions of dollars

through no way

anyone can explain to anyone.

He breaks up with her.

She turns him into a chick.

The whole world tells him he's beautiful.

You tell me you don't see what I'm seeing?

You have to say...

You have to say she's beautiful.

"She's beautiful."

She's not beautiful, and neither am I.

Look, I look like a thumb

with two thumbs.

Okay?

You put me in a dress,

I'd be even more disgusting.

"Beauty's unusual."

There's a lot of cool sh*t

that isn't beautiful.

Sixty-year-old dudes in skirts are

on that list.

Jesus f***ing Christ!

What kind of games are we playing here?

Why are you lying to children?

That's beautiful.

What are my kids gonna think

when they see a mountain or a rose?

"Is that beautiful too, Daddy? Explain."

Ahhh! Bang!

I can't!

The world's gone f***ing bananas!

"What you're saying

is horribly transphobic

and incredibly regressive.

You should be embarrassed

at what you're doing.

You're doing this just to get laughs

at someone else's expense."

Maybe!

Or maybe Bruce Jenner lived with demons.

Maybe they waited by the bed...

until they knew he was

in heavy REM sleep...

so they could assume their true form.

Climb up and kick off their designer shoes

to reveal black raven's claws.

Clutched the edge of the bed and just...

whispered in his ear.

"Bruce...

we would like you better

if you were one of us."

"I can't.

I can't be one of you.

I was... I was born a man."

"Nonsense!

Nonsense.

Bruce...

you no longer can be held prisoner

by the gender of your birth.

You're free.

Bruce...

your lips are too thin...

for the cover of Vanity Fair."

"Huh? What? Wait. Wait.

Did you say the cover?

Okay. Are you f***ing with me?

Because...

you know the cover's

always been my dream."

"It can be real!

It can be real.

All dreams...

can be real through surgery.

Sleep."

Thank you very much, San Francisco!

I had a great f***ing time

with you savages!

Let's take a selfie. Sh*t. We got it.

Putting together one

of these f***ing specials

is stressful as sh*t.

I appreciate the f*** out

of all you people being here tonight.

And I love you guys.

Thank you very much!

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