Joe Somebody Page #2

W-wait a minute, wait a minute!

Are you.. are you like threatening to hit me?

- Tell you what, Joe.

- Uh-huh.

I'm gonna give you to five

to get back into your car.

No. I'm not gonna... No.

- No. No, look, this is the ten-year lot.

- One...

- Do you have any idea of the crap...

- Two...

... I've been through to earn

that little piece of black... Oh!

- Daddy! Daddy!

- Stay in the car! Sta in th car.

Turn around,

and get back in your car.

- That's my space! Oh!

- Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

- Leave 'im alone, dirtbag!

- Don't call anyone a dirtbag.

- Daddy, are you okay?

- I'm good.

- You're bleeding.

- So this I just tripped.

I'm okay. Let's go. Let's go.

I think maybe I'm just

gonna take you to school.

Hi. You've reached

the Scheffers.

Wait for the beep.

Dad, pick up.

Dad, it's been two days.

- Hey!

- Dad?

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm... I'm great.

- You don't sound great.

Mom and Rick have friends

over for yoga.

So I can.... I-I-I can sneak out

and be home in no time.

No, no. No, Nat.

Um, I got, um...

Friends from, uh...

We got a bunch...

- We're gonna edit...

- Dad, just tell me something.

Is it you don't wanna see me?

Or is it you don't want me to see you?

Yes to the... the second one.

Dad, please just let me

come over,

- just for a little while.

- It's okay. Everything's all right.

I'm just... I'm just sittin' here

drowning my sorrows in a...

a quart o' Ben and Jerry's

Chunky Monkey.

So, let's see.

Either you're lying

or you've grown an ovary.

How old are you again?

Dad, I'm scared.

What are you scared of?

I'm not sure.

I just... just miss you.

It's gonna be okay, Natalie,

I promise. It's gonna be fine.

Okay. Your turn.

What are you scared of?

Disappearing, I think.

Hang on a second!

Hang on.

Hi.

Are you smoking?

Please. Like the coordinator of the

company wellness program would smoke!

Right!

You should've come with me

to the Human Resources Conference.

Hawaii... It was... It was amazing.

I brought you a little... something.

"George Kahumoku, Jr.

Sings Hawaiian Love Songs."

- You don't have it, do you?

- No.

So, so, I-I'm gone for three days and employees

are fighting like, uh, schoolkids in the parking lot.

I mean this McKinney, I know everybody hates

that, uh, big jerk. But this Joe, uh, Shepherd guy...

- Scheffer.

- Scheffer. Yeah.

Joe Scheffer.

He did the video

for the wellness program last year.

- Remember?

- Oh, he's the A-V guy.

- Video communications specialist.

- Ooh! Well, that's... that's very different then.

Actually, Jeremy,

he's a good guy.

I ran into him the other day.

He's quiet, hard-working...

Maybe a little shaky right now.

He's going through a divorce.

- Oh.

- It's really sad actually.

He kept telling me how great...

Any work-related problems

prior to the incident?

Well, he was promised a promotion

almost a year ago, and never happened.

So, basically,

he's a schmuck.

The guy's a devoted father,

a hard worker

with nothing but positive reviews.

That makes him a schmuck?

Well, his wife left him.

He was passed over for a promotion

and he just got b*tch-slapped

in the company parking lot.

I'm gonna go with... yeah.

So, what are we doin' about it?

Well, "we" have left him several

messages. I'm waiting...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's not enough. It's been three days.

Meg, we're under review.

The efficiency Nazis are all over us.

Employees fighting in the

parking lot sort of... undercuts

the-the company wellness program,

if you know what I mean.

- Do you think I'm not doing my job properly?

- It doesn't matter what I think.

But what if he decides to sue?

What if he... sues the living daylights

outta the company for, uh, failure

to create a safe work environment,

or, uh, uh, emotional distress?

I mean...

But-but you and me, Meg...

Megs, we're on the same... page.

We're the A-Team. We can

make this go away. I know we can.

- I'll call him again.

- No, no, no, no. That time has passed.

- You go get Joe Schlepper.

- Joe Scheffer.

Joe Scheffer.

- Go get him?

- Go get him.

- At his house?

- At his house.

Go get him...

Go get 'im at his house and bring im

back to work. I know you can do it.

- Megs?

- Yeah?

- Yeah, go get 'im.

- Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Hi, Joe.

Have you, uh, you left the house at all

in the past three days?

- I had some cleaning to do.

- Mm-hm. I can see that.

Is that, uh...?

It's bleach, huh?

It's the only thing

that really gets the stains out.

Yeah.

- Would you hold that for a minute?

- Sure. Um... Joe.

We'd really like for you

to come back to work.

You and I can work through

this thing together.

Do you think this will dry

darker than the rest of the ceiling?

- No, I think...

- If this dries darker than the rest,

then I'm gonna notice

there's a stain up here.

I'm always gonna look

at this stain right here.

I'd have to paint the whole ceiling.

I might as well do that right now.

Joe... Joe... Joe, could you please

slow down for a minute?

I would really like

to talk to you about this.

- What's... in the bag, Joe? Is that bottles?

- No.

Oh!

I'm gonna need more bleach.

I would really like to help you.

Please... Joe.

He took something from me.

Your parking space.

But it's not exactly your parking

space that he took, now, is it, Joe?

Yes, it is. It's exactly that.

It's my parking space. That's what it is.

How 'bout when you come back to work,

we give you an assigned space, huh?

- I can't go back.

- Why not, Joe?

Would you mind not saying

my name so much?

Maybe you could just come in

for a couple of hours...

I'm sorry... I can't.

- McKinney's been suspended, Joe.

- You said my name again.

Fine! Okay, fine. I-I will never

say your name again... ever.

Look, McKinney's not coming

back for a few weeks, Joe.

And then he has to attend my five-step

anger diffusion workshop called "RELAX".

- That stands for... Releasing...

- It doesn't matter.

No. Uh, Regulating Emotional

Levels And... "X." What the hell is "X"?

- I'm not comin' back.

- Do you think...

... that you could not...

- It just doesn't matter what you say.

- Oh, geez! What do you want?

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Did you say

"What do you want?"

I'm-I'm taking this too personally.

Things have been really difficult

in our department, and I need...

What do I want?

I need you to come back.

Joe?

Joe?

You're having a panic attack.

Joe, do you know

what that means?

It... sounds...

pretty self-explanatory.

Okay. It's just, um...

It's a chemical misfire.

- You're not dying, Joe.

- Ten years in a goddamn cubicle.

And then you wake up one day,

and then...

And I don't have

a place to park.

What can I do for you, Joe?

Nothing.

Zylol...

From STARKe Pharmaceuticals.

For the best you can be.

Possible side effects

may include nausea, drowsiness,

dry throat, cough,

unexpected gas...

What... do... you... want?

Okay. Now what do you want?

Aah.

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