Joe Somebody Page #3

God, tell me

you didn't bleach yourself.

Just the shirt. Coffee?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Joe, have you ever heard

of manic depression?

Yeah.

Whoo-hooo-hooo!

See, this...

This is way out of my league.

And, um, what I do have, though,

is the number of a great psychiatrist.

No, I'm cured!

Okay, right. She's probably

in the office this morning...

- Meg! Oh, this is... You cured me!

- I cured you?

Yes! When you asked me that

question that scared me so much

that I almost passed out.

For the first time since I can remember,

I have an answer. I know what I want!

- And it's all thanks to you.

- Excellent.

I am gonna kick

Mark McKinney's ass! Yeah!

You gotta be kidding.

I know, it sounds crazy,

but I think he really wants to do it.

You mean Scheffer's gonna...

come back for seconds?

McKinney smacked 'im all over

the parking lot, for Christ sakes.

- Well, that's sensitive.

- I'm sensitive.

I like herbal tea and Deepak Chopra

and people who come back to work.

He's gonna come to his senses,

right, Meg? He's not gonna fight.

Meg! Besides, it's not like

he knows where McKinney lives.

Damn it!

You don't have a gun, do you?

I didn't come over here

to shoot you.

Well, if you're here to threaten a lawsuit,

my attorney tells me

- I can keep you tied up...

- I'm not here to sue ya.

You took something of mine.

I want it back.

When your suspension's over,

I wanna fight you again.

You're all hopped up

on samples, aren't ya?

What are you on?

Zylol? Volomin?

I'm not on anything!

I just know what I want.

I want a rematch.

Oh, my God.

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

- Oh, look.

- Low blow. Low blow.

What are you, like 12?

The guy's gonna hit you back.

He's got arms!

What are you doin' here?

Don't you have school today?

I needed to see you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay.

I wanna see you too.

- We gotta get you back to school.

- Dad, I really wanna talk about this!

You know that big jerk

took it easy on you, right?

What makes you think he

won't kill you this time, huh?

- Dad!

- You made your point.

- Good.

- Now, it's my turn.

I don't want you

skipping school anymore.

- Just biology lab. I can make it up.

- It's not just a biology lab.

It's a choice that'll affect

the rest of your life.

First you skip biology.

Then you don't get in the right college,

then you end up in a dead-end job...

And then you're a middle-aged guy

fighting in the parking lot at work, hm?

Miss Scheffer,

you missed fourth period again.

Funny thing.

You might have gotten away with it

if not for these little disappearances.

- Gotten away with?

- Blending in.

- Could you get to the point?

- Could you sit up?

Go on!

Hiding in the back of the classroom,

not speaking up. What, just skating by?

- Is this about my grades?

- Yes, it is.

I just pulled your elementary

school records. What did I find?

Straight A's

right down the line, baby girl.

Advanced courses

in math and English.

Still tryin' to find the art fair,

spelling bee or writing

competition you didn't win?

I was an over-achiever. I'm settling

into my natural groove now.

But you just couldn't "vanilla down"

the writing, could you?

In my 15 years as a counselor,

I have never seen writing

like yours from a 12-year-old.

Look at me.

Now, I understand you were invited to write

for the theater club and you said no.

- What are you afraid of?

- Dogs. Not all dogs...

How are things at home, Natalie?

- See you, Meg.

- Bye.

- Hey, Neva.

- Meg...

- Who's in there?

- Joe Scheffer.

- Really?

- Everybody is talking about this thing.

- It is all over campus.

- Thanks.

There are plenty of people

I'd like to... slap around.

We all have those feelings, Joe,

but we suppress them.

Then we go home and we drink.

That's what separates us from the animals.

That and cable.

- Hi.

- Hi.

What's going on?

Joe here issued a physical challenge

to Mark McKinney.

But now, now, he's come

to his senses. Yeah, yeah, right, Joe?

Joe?

I can see how goin' to his house

was a mistake.

- Whoa.

- And I probably stepped over the line.

And how do I know he didn't

go easy on me the first time?

That's right. We can fix this, Joe.

We-we can fix this.

Let's just get Mark on the phone and

put an end to this nonsense right now.

What do you...

what do you say?

- You okay?

- Yeah, I...

I could, uh, use a drink actually.

Scotch?

- Water.

- Scotch and water.

Just water.

What?

Um, there's a water cooler

just down the hall.

Yeah, I-I'll get it.

And I'll be... I'll be back.

- You're Joe Scheffer, right?

- Right.

- We just wanted to say hello. Dan Lasky.

- Hi, Dan.

- And I'm Abby.

- Hi, Abby.

Been waiting for three years

for someone to drop that jerk.

- Wh-wh-whoa.

- Hey, everybody.

This is my hero.

Kick his butt, Joe.

Really.

Kick his butt.

Good.

- Joe Scheffer.

- Huh?

Yeah!

This is the man!

All right, look out now.

- Cade Raymond.

- Cade, how are you doin'?

Good, good. You know what?

I'm calling your fight

"The Thrilla in Vanilla".

Vanilla?

- Get it?

- No.

Couple suburban white guys...

- Huh?

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, Joe?

- You like squash?

- With butter and brown sugar? You bet!

Because I need a partner

tomorrow at 5 o'clock.

- Oh, squash squash!

- You know. Up at Club 13.

- Club 13.

- You never been up there.

- You know, I get busy downstairs.

- Joe, my man.

We've got to fix that. Huh?

- You're kiddin'.

- You can play, right?

- Yeah.

- Cool, cool. 5 o'clock.

- Right.

- You the man.

- You the man!

- Yeah.

I got my money

on Joe Scheffer.

Man.

Great. Uh, uh, Mark,

Joe's here now.

Oh, all right, I get it.

You wanna back out.

Probably wanna be best friends.

Mark, what I want

is for you to remember the fight.

Right? Three weeks,

the ten-year parking lot at 8:00 a.m.

- You got it?

- Bring it on.

No, no, no, Mark?

Mark? Mark? Wow.

You comin' or goin', dude?

I was just driving by... to take, you know...

You know, to-to find out, well, more, um...

- Somethin' bad happen to ya?

- No, no, no, no, no.

I-I thought it just is... a great time

for me to take a... a self-defense class.

- You got your ass kicked, huh?

- Who told you?

- You didn't read about it in the paper?

- What?

Front page. Daily Wuss.

Come on. Guys who get their asses

kicked, that's 90% of my business. Come on.

Come on.

- Is this you?

- Yeah.

"Maximum Punishment."

That looks good.

No, Maximum Punishment

was watching the damn thing.

- "Tom Sawyer"?

- Loose adaptation.

Tom played a rival ninja.

I killed 'im.

- What happened?

- I don't know.

The producer had foreign distribution.

35% he'd charge.

"Oh, I need the money for my wife!

I have a house in Las Brisas."

No, no, no, I mean, you know.

What happened?

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Come on, I wanna hear

a really sad story.

Yours.

I, um... I got beat up

in front of my 12-year-old daughter

and a bunch of coworkers.

Damn.

- Yeah.

- I was really hoping to give a sh*t.

Yeah.

- What?

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