Joe Somebody Page #4

- You got your ass kicked.

Now you wanna get all Bruce Lee

and stuff. You're losin' me.

Hey, I-I didn't come over here

to have my angst reviewed

by some has-been movie star.

Ooh! "Angst reviewed",

"movie star" in the same sentence.

You must be very proud

of yourself...

for a man who just got made

into a wimp in front of his daughter.

Why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you

come over here and make me?

Huh?

Come on.

- I figure I got it comin'.

- You don't think I'll do it, do you?

Geez, I'm sorry.

I'm really torqued, man.

I-I-I didn't mean that to hurt.

Are you all right?

Take a deep one, man.

That's it. Take it on, just draw it in, dude.

You'll be all right, you'll be all right.

Jesus. I'm really sorry, man.

Hey, lemme give you a free lesson,

all right?

My way o' saying

"Don't press charges".

Mr. Scheffer?

Welcome to Club 13.

Follow me.

- Did you bring your own equipment?

- Was I supposed to?

No, not a problem.

We've got everything you need.

Great. Load me up.

Holy crap! Dude,

the hockey rink's next door.

And, yet,

somehow it works for you.

Hey, hey, hey, it's my partner

you're talkin' about. Joe Scheffer.

Hey, Cade.

- I'm Peter.

- Hello, Peter.

- I'm Peter too.

- Peter. Two Peters.

Actually, it'd be four peters.

- All right, Joe. We're serving.

- Good, okay.

- Over here.

- Mm-hm. Right. From here in the red thing.

I haven't played

since, you know... yesterday.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah. It's a little longer

than I'm used to.

All right.

- I think it's dead.

- That's pretty funny.

Maybe I should serve first.

All right, gentlemen,

here we go. Let's get it on.

Okay, that's six-one.

Your Zen approach

is really workin'.

Hey, don't be fooled now. First he gets

inside your head, then it's all action.

Ow! Ow! Oh!

Ooh! Nice stop, Joe.

You must have balls of steel.

Looks like you need some work

on your forehand.

But I do have that "balls of steel"

thing goin' on, right?

Scheffer,

you are one funny guy.

You think that's funny? Wait till

they bill us for that display case.

Come on, let's play.

- They're killin' us.

- All right, Joe. Game point. Let's do this.

Yeah! Whoa-ho!

Did you see that?

- Great shot!

- That was amazing! Good save.

We gotta do this again.

- Abby Manheim.

- Yeah.

- It looks I'll be seein' you Friday night.

- Friday night?

Yeah, we're celebrating Abby's

five-year anniversary with the company

with a little... karaoke thing.

Countin' on you bein' there.

- You are?

- You kiddin' me? You're Joe Scheffer.

And finally, how does it feel...

to have created one of the most

vibrant theaters in Minnesota?

Suffice it to say,

the first time I saw

that 118-year-old curtain go up,

a curtain went up

in my heart.

- Thank you so much.

- Hey, Amy, thanks.

- Great to meet you.

- Thanks.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Well, what's goin' on?

Well, I got a call from Natalie's counselor.

Seems our gifted child

has been hiding her light

under a bushel.

She was asked by the theater club

to write a play, and she declined.

What?

Wait, wait, wait.

- Natalie, what's this about?

- It's so nothing.

It's so something.

And you're gonna do it.

- Says who?

- Says me.

How was I?

When you said the curtain

went up in your heart, it was so sexy.

- What a line!

- Was I okay?

Hey, Rick! You mind

not doin' that in front o' me? Huh?

Callie, could we talk outside?

So, what is it?

Could you please keep Natalie

a little while longer?

- Sure.

- Thanks.

Hey, have you been

workin' out?

Um... I played squash

with some of the executives at work.

Squash at work!

- You?

- Yeah, me.

- Huh.

- Bye.

Hm.

I'm ready.

I'm very excited.

I-I've given it a lot of thought,

and I know exactly what

I wanna do to that guy.

New gi?

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Okay. I wanna psyche the guy out.

- Okay.

- I mean, this is like half mental, right?

- Yeah.

So we go with Clint Eastwood.

That stare o' his.

Okay?

- "You talkin' to me?". I won't say that, but...

- No, I gotcha, I'm followin' you.

Okay, okay.

Then I cut loose. A lot of moves.

You teach me a lot of that... that

"Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger" stuff, right?

Okay.

You know, I'm sure the run across the buildings

is a bit advanced, we can get to it.

Then go to the Matrix stuff.

A lot of movement. A lot of movement!

I mean, this stuff's

gotta be unsettling.

And then you go into a pose.

Hah!

What do you think?

- Well, not good.

- Why not?

That's why. Okay?

- Okay.

- All right. Let's go.

Look!

There's one of my balls.

- Feelin' better?

- Yeah.

All right.

We only got two weeks.

So, we're not gonna

train you to be a warrior,

cause, well... let's face it.

Come on.

Let's keep it simple, all right?

- Got it? You all right?

- Uh-huh.

All right.

Now, I want you to show me

what this guy did to you.

Okay. Um, let's say you're me.

That's where I work. I drove in.

Said "Hey, you can't park there."

He said "Yes, I can."

Silent movies, okay, Joe?

Let's get right to the action.

Come on. Show me exactly

what he did. Here.

Stand there. I'm you. Okay?

- You want me to hit you?

- Well, I want you to try, Beavis.

You're goin' to kick me

in the nuts again.

That's it. There you go.

- He-he just... It was a quick slap.

- Okay.

I could've done that, but it was fast.

I could hardly see it comin'.

- Okay.

- Look over there.

- Wow! I like that!

- Yeah?

So, it's just hands.

Just show me the...

Okay, okay,

easy, windmill.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Try to hit me in the face.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Good.

Okay, okay.

All right, crosses... and jabs.

Mix it up a little bit. Crosses, jabs.

Now, really try to hit me.

Come on.

- Ow!

- Cover your face!

- That hurt.

- Always keep your hand up. Come on.

- That hurt!

- I know it hurt. Cpme on, let's go!

- Okay, let's do it again.

- Does anybody ever come back here?

I could wear that.

That is a ten-year

associate's suit.

But you're not

a ten-year associate.

You shouldn't be wearin'

a suit like this. No, I'm not kidding.

I'd just appreciate it

if you'd wear another suit.

Look at me.

Um, tell you what.

I'm-a give you to the count of five,

to get out of that suit

and get your shiny little

blemish-free head back into storage.

One. Two...

Three!

I'll take everything

I see here.

And if necessary

I-I will buy that head.

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Hey, Meg!

Hold up, Meg, Meg! Meg!

- Are you leavin' already?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Looks like you're hangin'

with the cool kids now. Nice hair.

- You like it?

- Hm.

Oh, you wanna do

something else?

You owe me that

almond-spiced latte.

Um, actually I keep

pretty early hours.

It's only 20 to 8:00.

I have, uh... extensive grooming rituals.

Maybe some other time.

Okay. Some other time.

Some of the best times

I've ever had have been... other times.

- Yeah. Good night, Joe.

- Good night.

Good night, Meg.

How 'bout Monday?

What's that?

Monday would be

another time.

Okay.

Okay!

Great.

- How you feelin' today?

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