John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #2

---

is a beautiful ceremony

that alienates both families' religions,

while confusing the elderly

people at the wedding.

"What's the name of the bishop?"

"That's actually stand-up

comedian Dan Levy.

He was the host of

MTV's Your Face or Mine?"

I saw a lot of Catholic weddings,

though, because I was an altar boy...

And a hush falls over the room.

Isn't it weird how that

became a scandalous thing?

That was just some boring

sh*t I had to do on weekends.

But now, it's like saying, "I was

a French maid for a period of time.

I was treated well in my day.

I worked for a variety of sirs."

No, being an altar boy was

just a boring gig, you know?

You'd serve Mass and then

you'd serve weddings sometimes.

My brother was once an

altar boy at a wedding,

and he was standing there

with another altar boy

in this big, packed church

in Chicago where we grew up.

And the bride was coming down the

aisle, and the organ was playing,

and all the pews were filled,

and the bride got all the way to the altar,

and the groom lifted the

veil off of the bride,

and right at that moment

the other altar boy said,

"Aw, she's ugly."

And then they looked,

and they were right

next to the video camera.

And I know that's awful,

but wouldn't you give a million

dollars to see that wedding video?

It was the best moment of

this stupid woman's life,

and she's walking down the

aisle, and the organ's like...

And she gets all the way to

the altar to her betrothed,

and he unveils her to the

world and to the eyes of God.

And right at that second,

for no reason at all,

some Cheeto-fingered, rat-mustached,

13-year-old prick decides to go,

"Aw, she's ugly!"

Hopefully the videographer

knew some sound editing

so he could fix it to be

like, "Aw, she's beautiful.

She's enchanting."

I grew up Catholic. I

don't go to church anymore.

But I went on Christmas

Eve with my parents,

'cause you know how you

lie to your parents. So...

we go into the church and I was

like, "I got this under control."

And then I got schooled because

they introduced a bunch of new sh*t.

No, I was going through Mass

and I was batting, like, .400.

And then in the middle

of Mass, the priest said,

"Peace be with you."

And everyone said, "And with your spirit."

And I was the one pre-Y2K

a**hole going, "And also with you.

What? Huh? What? Huh?

What? When? When?"

For those of you that aren't

Catholic, I don't mean to exclude you,

even though we love to exclude you, but...

There's a part in church

where the priest says,

"Peace be with you."

And for many, many years, we all said...

- "And also with you."

- Very good.

But they changed it to

"And with your spirit."

Because that's what needed

revamping in the Catholic Church.

That was the squeaky wheel

that needed the grease.

In Rome, they were like,

"Let's see. What problems can we solve?

Problem one. No."

I'm actually glad they

changed that, though.

I never liked "And also with you."

I always found that clunky.

"And also with you."

That's not how you talk.

- "Have a nice day."

- "And also you having one."

It's just a little bit wrong, isn't it?

It's just a little off.

Like, when someone's like, "How are

you?" And you're like, "Nothing much."

And it sort of makes sense.

Never begin a sentence with "And also."

You just immediately

sound caught off-guard.

It sounds like if at the first church ever,

like, they weren't expecting it.

Like, the priest was like,

"Hey, this is the first

time we've ever had church.

I just wanna say, 'Peace be with you.'"

And they were like...

"What? Oh. Uh, yeah. And

also you should have some."

"Hey, that's good. Let's

keep that for 2,000 years.

And then change it to trick John."

My wife and I don't have

any children, we have a dog.

We have a little puppy named Petunia.

She's a tiny little French bulldog puppy.

I like having a puppy that's a bulldog,

'cause it's like having a

baby that is also a grandma.

Her body is young, her

face is as old as time.

She definitely saw the

Nazis march into Paris.

She always gives me this look of like,

"Oh, the things I have

seen, you cocksucker.

You have no idea.

The Gestapo threw my

printing press into a river.

But, go, tell your f***ing jokes.

Bring me my dish."

She said that. Petunia...

Petunia is my best friend in the world.

I give her a million kisses a day.

She does not like me,

and barks at me and bites me all day long.

We had to get a dog

trainer into the apartment

because Petunia is a bad dog.

We tell her that every day. We go,

"Hey, you're bad at being a dog."

So, the trainer came into the apartment.

Sorry, didn't even walk into the apartment,

walked into the threshold and went,

"Oh, okay."

Like she was an exorcist or something.

She said, "I see what the problem is."

She said, "Petunia has become

the alpha of the house."

And then she pointed at me, she said,

"You are no longer the alpha of the house."

And in the back of my head, I was like,

"I was never the alpha of the house."

I turned to my wife, I was like,

"Let's pretend. It'll be fun.

Yes... My title of alpha, which

I once had, how can I reclaim it?

Because that was a thing

that existed at one time."

She said, "You need to show

dominance over your puppy."

These are things people say to me.

I said, "How do I do that?"

She said, "Well, let me ask you this.

Who eats dinner first, you or Petunia?"

I was like, "Petunia eats dinner

first. She eats dinner at 5:00 p.m.,

'cause she's a foot

long and two years old."

She said, "No, you need

to eat dinner first.

Because the king eats

before anyone else eats."

Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be,

eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.

"Look upon your sovereign,

Petunia, and tremble.

My lands stretch across

this entire one bedroom,

and I eat dinner whenever I choose,

as long as it works for

the schedule of a dog."

She said, "Now, you don't actually

have to eat dinner before Petunia.

You just have to convince Petunia

that you've already eaten."

So... for the past month, I sh*t you not...

before my wife and I give Petunia her dish,

we take down empty bowls and spoons,

and in front of her, we go,

"Mmm, dinner. Mmm, good dinner."

Like we're space aliens in

a play about human beings

that they wrote, but they

didn't work that hard on.

"Mmm, we're eating dinner."

Meanwhile, Petunia's just staring at

us with her Paul Giamatti face, like...

"You're not eating dinner, cocksucker.

Dish, now."

I have a wife and a dog,

and we just bought a house.

We have a new house.

It was built in the '20s,

but it was flipped in 2014.

Which means it's haunted, but it

has a lovely kitchen backsplash.

Actually, we didn't buy a

house. A bank bought a house,

and I'm allowed to keep

my shirts and pants there

while I pay it off for 30 years.

The woman from the bank came over

and she showed me my mortgage broken

down month by month for 30 years.

And she said, "So, for instance, this

Rate this script:3.7 / 9 votes