John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #3

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is what you'll pay in July of 2029."

And I burst out laughing. I was like,

"2029? That's not a real year.

By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice

with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

I'm not gonna be writing

you a paper check."

I like having a house, but

I loved looking for a house,

'cause I love real estate agents.

I mean, they are the true heroes.

They really are. Have

you ever watched HGTV?

Real estate agents have to deal with

the dumbest people in the world

making the biggest

decisions of their lives.

Every episode of HGTV is like,

"Craig and Stacia are looking

for a two-story A-frame

that's near Craig's job in the downtown,

but also satisfies Stacia's

need to be near the beach

which is nowhere near Craig's job.

With three children and nine on the way,

and a max budget of $7...

let's see what Lori Jo can do

on this week's episode of You

Don't Deserve A Beach House."

I loved our real estate agent. It

was so fun to hang out with her.

It was like hanging out with my mom.

'Cause, you know, real estate

agents always look like your mom.

And they have various

Chico's accoutrements.

They always have kind of fun mom energy.

And they're always, "So

excited to see you two."

We would have little conferences

before we walked into a house.

She'd go, "Let's talk.

Let's talk before we go in."

We're, like, two feet from the door.

"So, there's no toilets.

And I know that was on your list.

But I think I can get

him to budge. Let's go."

So, we'd have a real estate agent,

and then, like, the house

would have a real estate agent

who's just some guy sitting in a big chair.

And these two always hated each other.

They'd be like, "Hi, Tony." "Hi, Kim."

It's like, "Jesus Christ! What,

were you two in the Eagles together?

What is the animosity about?"

Our real estate agent

wanted us to have a baby

more than anyone else in our lives,

more than anyone in our family.

She hinted about it constantly.

Every room she walked into, she'd be like,

"So, this could be an office."

"Or maybe a nursery."

"Yeah. No, like we said, we don't

know if we're gonna have... "

"No, no. I know, I know, you know.

You don't know if you're

gonna have 'em, but you know.

You know, you never know.

Sometimes you don't know

what's gonna happen, and then...

you know, something happens."

"Well, yeah, that's how all of life works."

"Okay, all right. Okay.

Uh-huh. Mmm.

This is an on-fire garbage can.

Could be a nursery."

She showed me a backyard once.

She goes, "I don't even

like this backyard for you."

I was like, "Oh, do tell."

She said, "It's all pavement.

I think you should have

some grass out there.

You know, in case you have

a couple... little guys...

running around in the grass."

And I got offended on

behalf of my imaginary kids.

I was like, "Hey, lady.

I went outside about as much

as Powder from the movie Powder.

My children are not gonna

be playing out on grass.

They will be up in their rooms

playing violent video games

and catfishing pedophiles.

These are my children.

And that's my wife!"

I didn't mean to make it sound

like we don't want children.

We don't, but I didn't mean

to make it sound like that.

See, I just don't think

babies like me very much.

Sometimes babies will point at me,

and I don't care for that sh*t at all.

Like, I'll be on an elevator,

and a baby will be there in its

big, like, stroller activity tray,

just, like, working on one Cheerio

with Bobby Fischer-like intensity.

And it'll look up at me and go...

I like to lean in and go,

"Stop snitchin', motherf***er."

And then walk off.

'Cause you're never too young to

learn our national no-snitching policy.

My friends have babies and

I don't do so well with them.

I had a run-in with a two-year-old girl.

I know there are better ways

to start that story, but...

My friend, Jeremy, has this

two-year-old girl, and I really like her.

She's a sweet kid. I really

like his daughter a lot.

But I was over at his family's

house for the Fourth of July,

and he had his daughter on his knee.

And it was a very lovely day. His

whole extended family was there.

And he was bouncing his

two-year-old up and down,

and he pointed at me and

he said to his two-year-old,

"Do you know who that is?

That's your Uncle John."

And I was like, "Oh, my God. That's

so sweet. I'm her Uncle John."

And then the baby pointed at me and said,

"Uncle John has a penis."

I thank you for laughing,

because no one did that day!

Fell deadly silent, is what they all did.

Hey, do you know what

you're supposed to say

when a baby points at you and

knowingly says, "He has a penis"?

No, I'm asking, 'cause I don't

know what to say in that situation.

Here's what I went with that

day. I said, "Oh, come on!"

I don't know. I thought that'd be good.

But then it just made it worse,

'cause it sounded like the baby and I

had an arrangement not to talk about it,

and she had violated my trust.

Like, the baby had been

like, "Do you have a penis?"

And I was like, "Yes, I do, but

you're a baby, so discretion is key."

And then the next day she goes,

"He has a penis," and I go,

"Oh, come on! Someone can't keep a secret!"

Luckily, Jeremy's wife saved the

day. The baby's mom saved the day.

She came in and she picked

up the baby, and she was like,

"It's okay.

She's just going through that phase

where she says penis and vagina a lot."

Aren't we all?

And, by the way, it would've been

a totally different situation

if the baby had said vagina.

Like, if a grown woman

had walked in the room,

and the baby had been

like, "She has a vagina,"

the woman could be like, "Yes,

I do, and it's magnificent."

And we would all be like,

"Hooray! You are brave!"

No one wants to applaud the

penis of a 32-year-old weirdo.

It's fun to be married.

I've never been supervised before.

I'm supervised. She studies what I do.

Like an anthropologist.

She'll be like, "Sometimes,

he will watch a movie on TV

even though he already

owns that movie on DVD.

Pointing this out to him

confuses and upsets him."

I had no supervision when I was a kid.

We were free to do what we wanted.

But also, with that,

no one cared about kids.

I grew up before children were special.

I did. Very early '80s, right

before children became special.

Like, I remember when milk

carton kids became a thing.

When they were like, "Hey, we should

start looking for some of these guys.

I don't think they're

just blowing off steam."

No one cared about my opinion

when I was a little kid.

No one cared what I thought.

Sometimes, people would say,

"What do you think you're doing?"

But that just meant "Stop."

They didn't actually wanna

know my thought process.

They didn't want me to be like,

"Well, I was gonna put this bottle

rocket into this carton of eggs,

so that when I lit off the bottle rocket,

the eggs would explode everywhere."

"Oh, well, that's very interesting. And

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