Johnny Dangerously

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Anybody hungry?

Didn't think so.

Just kidding.

Okay, fellas, food time.

Burt, liver, no onions.

Here you go, Burtie.

And, for dessert...

There you go.

Connie, Mack, you kids wanted the tuna,

hold the mayo. Lovely choice.

Here you go. I'm not crazy

about you two living together.

Marvin, you ordered the flounder.

I didn't like the way it looked...

...so I prepared a little something

special for you. I think you'll like this.

Maybe not.

Okay, here we go.

- Polly, get that for me, would you?

- All right.

Kelly's Pet Shop. Polly speaking.

It's your mother, Johnny.

- Tell her to hold, would you?

- Hang on.

Thanks, Pol. Hi, Ma.

Not too much.

I'm just feeding some of the animals.

Yeah, sure. It's probably just

the weather. Don't worry about it.

Probably get better tomorrow.

Maybe if you wouldn't drink so much,

the whole thing would clear up.

I'll see you later.

All right, come here.

Hand it over.

- What the hell was that noise?

- It was this little gadget.

Something I came up with.

Prevents stealing.

- Stops guys like you.

- Go ahead, call the cops.

- Let's get this over with.

- Pretty tough, huh?

- Tough enough.

- Yeah? You like stealing?

- Beats paying for it.

- You think stealing makes you big?

Bigger than you, wearing an apron

and feeding a bunch of monkeys.

- I'll tell you where stealing gets you.

- Wake me when you're through.

You know, I started out just like you, kid.

It must have been 25 years ago.

- What's going on?

- Don't worry. It'll end in a few minutes.

It always does this when I talk

about the past. It was 1910.

Times were good in America.

Plenty of everything:

Jobs, security, laughs.

America was in great shape,

except for President William Howard Taft.

Was he a porker. He weighed as much

as Teddy Roosevelt and half of McKinley.

immigrants poured in from all over

the world, looking for a better life.

Over 97 percent of them settled

in a two-block area of New York City.

There was a law that said that

immigrants who wanted citizenship...

...had to stay out of their apartments and

walk around the streets with hats on.

Most didn't find streets

paved with gold.

instead, they found hard times. Nobody

had it tougher than my mom, Mom Kelly.

She was kind and sweet.

She had a colorful way of putting things.

The Lower East Side,

this really sucks.

I was your age and just

starting out in business.

Hey, kid, you got a paper?

- Hi, Mom.

Hi, Johnny.

- Your pancreas feeling better?

- Now don't you go worrying about me.

- You just keep yourself warm.

- Thanks, Mom.

Oh, God, it's the worst July in years.

You go on upstairs. As soon as I

sell these, we'll celebrate your birthday.

You're my darling boy.

Hey, kid, paper here.

- Yeah.

All right, Tribune. Get your Tribune.

Get your Tribune.

Tribune. Get your Tribune.

One lousy penny.

- One lousy penny. Get your Tribune.

Hey, this is my corner.

- Danny Vermin don't move for nobody.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It's okay, officer,

I can handle this myself.

- Stop the car, Arthur. I wanna see this.

- Yes, sir, Mr. Dundee.

- No hard feelings.

- You ain't seen the last of Danny Vermin.

Hey, kid. Come here.

- I like the way you handle yourself.

- Thanks, mister.

Do you know who this man is?

- I give up.

- How'd you like to make a 50?

Do I have to break the law?

If I broke the law, it'd be

like breaking my mother's heart.

Okay, kid.

But if you change your mind...

...Ill be at the Club 25.

- Dr. Magnus? How's my mother?

- It's her pancreas. I need to operate.

- How much is it gonna cost?

- $49.95.

- $49.95?

- This week only.

- Where can I get that kind of money?

- Why not knock over a gas station?

- Hi, Tommy.

- Hi, Johnny.

Hi, Mom.

You always were a sucker for a left.

- Come on, take a break.

- I can't.

I'm a year behind

on Mr. Stevenson's shirts.

There's a new law.

No wash on your birthday.

Gosh, Johnny, I really

don't think that's a law.

Well, you won't find it in your law books

because I just made it up.

He colored Oliver Wendell Holmes purple.

Isn't that something?

And him only 6 years old.

- Your father would have been proud.

- He always wanted you to be a lawyer.

He sure could have used one.

- You'll make something of yourself.

- I'll see that you do.

- No mother was ever blessed...

...with two finer sons

than Johnny and Tommy Kelly.

- Happy birthday, Mom.

- Bless the saints, it's an ashtray.

I've been thinking of taking up smoking.

This clinches it.

- How does it feel to be 29?

- I only hope I reach 30.

- Are you all right, Mom?

- I'll be fine.

Johnny, you go back to work.

Don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

- She needs an operation immediately.

- it'd break my mother's heart.

- $49.95.

- How'd you like to make a 50?

- I just hope I reach 30.

- Ill be at the Club 25.

Sorry, Mom.

It's the only way I know how.

No more nodding!

Dundee's gang is here.

What's that bastidge want?

- How's tricks, Moronie?

- What are you doing here, icehole?

Can't a fellow enjoy

a night gambling with his pals?

Don't bullshty me.

Search the sum in a batch.

We're clean, Moronie.

You see, I don't bear no grudges...

...even though your boys have been

muscling in on my territory.

Why do you do that, Moronie?

- It's a free country, icehole.

- They're clean, boss.

Okay, you and the rest

of your bastidges can gamble.

But don't try no fargin trick,

or you'll end up with your bells in a sling.

What a mouth on that guy.

Hey, kid.

Paper, mister?

Here you go.

- Here you are, sir.

- Thanks, kid.

Nobody move and nobody will get hurt.

All we want is Moronie's money.

Go ahead, kid.

You fargin, sneaky bastidge.

I'm gonna take your dwork.

I'm gonna nail it to the wall!

I'm gonna crush your boils

in a meat grinder!

I'm gonna cut off your arms

and shove them up your icehole!

Dirty sum in a batch!

My own club.

Mr. Dundee, watch out!

Stupid, lock the fargin door!

We got Dundee!

Get that lousy kid!

Get that sum in a batch.

Get him! It's only a fargin kid,

you fargin styheads!

Get him!

Give me a gun.

Give me a gun!

- Next shooter.

Kid's like a monkey.

Get him! It's only a fargin kid.

Kill him!

Hell of an anniversary, Lou.

I don't believe you guys!

Get him, or you're all fired!

No, no, no. Permesso.

Say your prayers, icehole.

Hold it.

Why you miserable corksucker.

I'm gonna get you for this.

Roman Moronie never forgets

a fargin face, kid. I'll get you.

- You okay, boss?

- Yeah, thanks to this kid...

...and this.

Thanks a lot, kid.

- From now on, you're my boy.

Yeah, you really live dangerously.

- By the way, what's your name?

- Johnny. Johnny...

Johnny Dangerously.

I should've never picked that name.

A name like that, you gotta live up to.

Act tough. Put up a front.

I got into a lot of fights.

- What's your last name?

- Binderhoff.

Great. Don't change that name

and you'll stay out of trouble.

Anyway, Mom's pancreas got better.

Things generally improved.

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