Johnny Dangerously Page #2

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And I didn't have to work

for the Dundee gang.

I was your average,

poverty-stricken teenager...

...thinking about girls, my hair, girls.

Gee, Johnny, Ive never seen

anyone dance like that!

- Dr. Magnus, how's my mother?

- It's her thyroid, Johnny.

What's wrong with it?

We can't find it.

Gonna have to do a thyroid search.

- How much is that gonna cost?

- You're in luck. This week it's just $999.

$999?

Talk about bad luck.

There was only one place for me to go.

I joined the Jocko Dundee mob full time.

Jocko was still at war

with his old enemy, Roman Moronie.

The years didn't soften Moronie.

He continued to murder

the English language...

...and anyone who got in his way.

Moronie had a lot of rules for his gang.

Number one:
Never park in his space.

The Dundee gang was a lot more fun.

Sure we did illegal things, but we

never bothered the general public.

And every Christmas, Jocko returned

a little cash back to the community.

Every chance I got,

I returned to the old neighborhood.

They looked up to me

like I was a folk hero.

"I love Johnny" T-shirts.

I love Johnny.

Johnny, can I follow in your footsteps?

Sure, kid.

Here, it was burning a hole in my pocket.

Look, Rosie, it's Johnny Dangerously.

Mrs. Zimmer.

Everybody, over here.

Now what did I tell all you people?

Around here you're Johnny Kelly,

a law-abiding night club owner...

...not the notorious gangster

Johnny Dangerously.

Sure, and Im the pope.

- Hey, pope. How'd you know?

- Johnny, everybody knows...

...except your mother and your brother.

And nobody here is gonna say nothing.

Thanks, Your Holiness. Tell you what,

build yourself a new gym at the Vatican.

Bless you, Johnny.

Johnny!

Hi, Ma.

How's my best girl?

You gotta watch that left, Ma.

I love him, but some day

Im gonna knock him on his ass.

- What are you cooking, Ma?

- Beer.

With noodles? What a great idea.

- What's new?

- Me arthritis, that's new.

One of the muscles in me calf

is shriveling up.

Also, Im losing sensation in me face.

I think it's a neurological disorder.

- But the rest of me is in the pink.

- You gotta take better care of yourself.

I don't want you living like this

and doing other people's laundry.

What are you saying,

give up me career?

Maybe you ought to retire.

Enjoy the golden years, Ma...

...not do this.

Son, I couldn't consider retiring.

Not so long as I can still

give good laundry.

- Where's Tommy?

- Don't be talking to me about Tommy.

- Why not?

- Because Im leaving law school.

- If this is a joke, I ain't laughing.

- I'm dropping out and marrying Sally.

- You can't change my mind.

- Is this what you want, Sally?

I want whatever Tommy wants.

I'm his girl, and he makes the decisions.

Sally's place is in the home,

and I intend to support her.

I'll shine boots, drive a hack,

blow glass, anything.

- Johnny, please, talk sense to him.

- You're breaking your mother's heart.

- Why, Tommy? Why?

- I can't say it in front of Mom.

Okay. I've got a little business

to take care of.

Why don't you meet me

at my place at 10:00?

All right, you little muskrat.

- I'll see you, Sally.

Bye.

Ma, don't worry about a thing.

I'll straighten everything out.

Hey, Ma, what's this in your ear? $100?

- What can't you say in front of Mom?

- Nothing, Mom.

I know what you can't say.

You wanna get laid.

- Mom!

- You wanna hump your brains out.

Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.

Hi, Pat.

- Top of the morning. How's your mother?

Much better, Pat. Thanks for asking.

- Such a wonderful woman.

- Yes, she is. A sweet little lady.

She's got the smile of an angel.

Johnny is here!

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny!

You wanna be my first?

No, it's my turn.

- I'm not wearing a bra.

- That makes two of us.

- I'm a real blond, Johnny.

- Check it out Thursday?

- You're on.

- How do you do it, Johnny?

Mutual respect.

- Hey, who's the nightingale?

- She just flew in from Pittsburgh.

Say, kid? What do they call you?

- Impressive.

- Her name is Lil Sheridan.

Thanks.

Lil Sheridan, huh?

My name's Dangerously...

Johnny Dangerously.

Did you know

your last name's an adverb?

Hey. I like that.

You got spirit,

spunk, fire, verve.

- You got those. I like those on a woman.

- Gee, my heart's all a flutter.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you take my card.

- Enjoying yourself?

- You call me tomorrow.

Yeah? Don't be upset when you don't

hear the phone ringing.

- Suit yourself.

- I hope this is helping your morale.

That's the first time I had

to take that card back.

I kind of like it.

I'll be seeing you.

Does the word "smitten"

mean anything to anybody?

Hi, Johnny.

- Hi, Vito.

Vito, better cut down on the pasta.

- I'm starting a diet on Monday.

- Attaboy.

- What are you so happy about?

- Well, Vito, I just met an angel...

...an absolute angel.

- You met Lil, huh?

I sure did, Mr. Dundee.

You see this card? This card...

...has been to paradise.

Johnny's in love.

You remind me of me

and the wife 20 years ago.

Of course, Mae never looked like Lil.

And now she looks like him.

- But what am I, a beauty?

- Dames are put on Earth to weaken us...

...drain our energy,

laugh at us when they see us naked.

Meet two new members of the gang:

Danny Vermin and his sidekick, Dutch.

- Hello, Johnny.

- Hi, Danny.

Danny and I used to fight in

the old neighborhood.

I wondered what happened to you.

Well, I fulfilled a lot of people's

predictions. I've become a real scumbag.

Good for you.

A lot of people go their whole lives

without realizing what they wanna be.

Delivery for Jocko Dundee.

There's some postage due,

but Ill take care of it. No problem.

What's this?

He sent us a robot.

"Dear Bastidges,

I hope I got a few of you.

If not, Ill get you when I take over

the Club 25. Love and kisses, Moronie. "

- We gotta stop him.

- I got something to stop him.

They made it for him special.

It's an. 88 magnum.

It shoots through schools.

Vermin, maybe you got

too much sugar in your diet.

We do things differently around here.

Put the gun away.

Maybe I will and maybe I won't.

- Stash the rod, Danny.

- You shouldn't grab me, Johnny.

My mother grabbed me once.

Once.

- What are you gonna do, Johnny?

- I'll think of something...

...something clever,

something unexpected...

...something subtle.

- You know, this club is too fargin small.

- Yeah.

- How big was the crowd last night?

- Packed. We had to turn them away.

That's what I mean.

We've got to expand this fargin place.

Knock down that wall.

Knock down that wall.

And knock down that fargin wall.

Now Im really angry.

This is fargin war.

You must be Tommy.

Come in.

Johnny's expecting you.

Follow me.

Hello, Tommy.

Tommy, have a seat

you little muskrat.

What's this bull fertilizer

about you quitting school?

I'm sorry, Johnny. I just haven't got

the tits for it. I mean, heart.

Tommy, I want you to pay attention.

I don't understand. You're tops

in your class. You made the law review.

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