Johnny Dangerously Page #3

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- Why do you have to get married now?

- Because if I don't get laid, Ill die.

Laid! Is that what

this is about, getting laid?

- I thought it was something serious.

It is serious.

I've tried going to bad girls, but for a

clean-cut kid like me, it's just no dice.

Oh, God! How do you get laid in 1930?

You think this is fun, Tom?

You think this is a picnic, Tommy?

You got a lot to learn, kid.

It's a bad habit.

It's like drinking coffee.

Believe me, if I could quit, I would.

Come on in here, Tom.

I wanna talk to you about something.

I think this is the most important

reason you should wait. Have a seat.

I wanna show you something, Tom,

something I think might open your eyes.

Your testicles and you.

Take a good look.

These are the unlucky ones.

These unfortunate souls

are suffering from ESS...

...Enlarged Scrotum Syndrome.

For these poor devils, it's too late.

But there is hope.

Here, at the Atlanta Genital institute...

...teams of doctors are at work around

the clock to cure this dreaded affliction.

Hi, Im Dr. Zillman, and Id like

to talk to you about your testes.

The human testicle is like a balloon.

Sometimes, it is empty.

And sometimes... it is full.

And sometimes... it can explode.

Maybe this will help you understand.

Just remember that your testicles,

when treated with love and care...

...will give you years

of maintenance-free service.

But if abused...

...well, the inevitable conclusion:

So next time, do the smart thing.

Don't let anything come between...

...your testicles and you. Thank you.

- Where are you going?

- Back to law school.

Let's hear it for the band.

Johnny, great to see you.

I've got an announcement to make.

When I die,

hopefully in my bed...

...I wanna know that the Dundee mob

will continue with the same traditions...

...with the same high standards that have

made us the New York Yankees of crime.

And for that reason,

Im naming as my successor...

...Johnny Dangerously.

Now I want you to give a warm welcome

to a very shy, retiring, little lady...

...who's come to us from a

convent school in Pittsburgh:

Lil Sheridan.

Yeah!

There's Johnny.

He's so cute.

You're holding up traffic.

That song you just sang,

I figured that gave me the green light.

Let's just say you're off red,

but you're still on amber.

I hope that light changes soon

because my motor's running.

You better be careful,

you don't wanna overheat.

- I'll tell you one thing...

- What's that?

...you sure can banter.

So then I decided to leave Pittsburgh

and come here to Chicago.

- Lil?

- Yeah?

This ain't Chicago.

We're in New York.

You're kidding.

New York, Chicago.

To a girl on her own, it's all the same.

I figured Mom and Dad didn't need

me around, not with 14 mouths to feed.

- Your folks had 14 kids?

- No, they ran a kennel.

- What about your folks?

- My mom practically raised us by herself.

I never knew my father or my uncle.

I kind of knew my grandmother.

Didn't know my grandfather.

Never knew any of my cousins.

- Any pets?

- Yeah, we had a dog.

He ran away when I was a kid.

I never knew him.

Where the hell are we?

- Johnny, Im falling in a big way.

- You got company, kid.

Where we gonna land?

And when we do, will our hearts break?

I'm sure there are answers

to all these questions, but first...

Sounds like Johnny's getting laid.

Moronie was still on the warpath.

Even getting to work was an adventure.

- Johnny, be careful.

- Don't worry, doll.

There's not a bullet out there

with my name on it.

I couldn't stand it if something

happened to you.

Neither could I.

One hippopotamus,

two hippopotamus...

...three hippopotamus.

Go!

- Whoa. Wait!

- Get him!

Morning, Johnny.

- Hiya, Pat.

How's that precious mother of yours?

- You been out there today?

- Pretty rough, huh?

Not as bad as yesterday.

- You'll feel better if you have a cookie.

- Thanks.

- All fixed, Mr. Dundee.

- Thanks, pal.

- Who's that guy?

- The plumber. My drain was stuck.

Where is all this gangland warfare

getting us anyway?

I want Moronie.

And Im not gonna rest

until I get him.

Or until he gets you.

Hey! Hey!

Oh! Relax, Johnny. Relax.

Come on.

A year from now, we're gonna look back

on all this and have one big laugh.

Oh, boy.

I really had to wee wee.

That's funny. This bathroom drain

was never stuck before.

Mr. Dundee, wait!

- Got the number of that other plumber?

Mr. Dundee...

Oh, my God! Moronie, you son

of a b*tch! What have you done to me?

- Calm down.

- Why go on living?

Look, don't panic.

Calm down? I'm standing here

with my dork in my hand.

It's not your dork. Look.

- Ah. Thank God. It's just the chain handle.

- Sure.

Freddie, you're still here,

you little bald-headed beauty.

I thought I lost you.

Johnny...

...this is a sign from above.

You okay, boss?

Johnny, Im retiring before it's too late.

You remember this? Take it.

You're the boss now.

I don't know. It's a lot of responsibility.

I don't know if Im ready.

- I'm ready for it.

- Forget it, Vermin.

I was on top, kid.

Moronie and I worked out a truce.

Lil and I were going strong.

And as for Ma...

...between the occasional transplant

and bypass, her health was improving.

- Yeah, I was on top of the world.

- Well, that was a great story, pops.

- So long.

- Wait, Im just getting to the sad part.

See, now that everything else

in my life was going well...

...I was about to face

the greatest challenge of my life.

- Oh, Tommy. We're so proud of him.

- We sure are, kid.

- I owe it all to you, Johnny.

- Oh, go on.

This calls for a picture. The two

Kelly boys. Wait till I get me camera.

Hold this.

Where the hell is that camera?

Tommy, I want you to have

a little something.

- Kimball, Pritchard & Williston?

- Biggest law firm in the city.

I think you'll find them receptive.

Gee, thanks, Johnny,

but Ive already made up my mind.

I know you're gonna be proud of me.

I'm joining the district attorney's office.

I'm gonna dedicate my life

to fighting crime. Isn't that great?

Right. My little brother,

who I put through law school...

...is gonna be fighting crime.

Crime.

Mom, it's prohibition.

Oh, shut up.

Stop acting like a fag choir boy.

Here, another one.

To me two darling sons,

one a famous night club owner...

...the other a crime fighter.

With a father like Killer Kelly...

...it's a miracle neither of you turned

out to be a piece-of-sh*t criminal.

Maybe she was right.

I decided to go legit...

...but then I got hit with more

bad news about Mom.

- About your mom, John...

- What is it? How much?

- The blocked salivary gland. $7500.

- Really?

Yeah, go ahead and do it.

It'll be good to see her spit again.

I went back to crime,

and Tommy went to work for the DA.

Fortunately, I had the DA

on our payroll. So I wasn't too worried.

Hi. I'm the new assistant DA

I'm joining you in the war against crime.

- The boss in?

- In there.

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