Johnny Dangerously Page #4

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Tommy Kelly reporting for work.

- Kelly, welcome to the team.

I'm proud to be part of any team

whose adversary is crime.

Well said. That's just

what I wanted to hear.

That's why we scout the law schools

for young idealists like yourself.

But before you begin,

why not ease into the job?

- Take a little vacation.

- A vacation?

But what about crime?

Don't worry. It'll still be here

when you get back.

But don't you see? That's the trouble.

Crime will always be here

unless something is done about it.

Tommy didn't go on vacation.

He became the city's

most tireless crime fighter.

He fought crime in the newspapers.

He attacked it on the radio.

He arrested every criminal in town.

And then, he turned his sights

on my old enemy, Moronie.

Roman Troy Moronie

is the man responsible for...

...the Mother's Day Massacre,

the Christmas Day Slaughter...

...the Lincoln's Birthday Mutilation,

and the Groundhog's Day Beheadings.

Before we begin the questions,

my client would like to read a statement.

Go ahead.

I would like to direct this to

the distinguished members of the panel.

"You lousy corksuckers,

you have violated my fargin rights.

This sum in a batching country

was founded...

...so that the liberties of common

patriotic citizens like me...

...could not be taken away

by a bunch of fargin iceholes...

...like yourselves. "

Thank you very much.

What do the names

Benny the Hump, Roland Carpidi...

...and Izzy the Nose mean to you?

They don't mean a thing.

- Recognize this?

- No.

Can you explain how your fingerprints

got on this gun...

...which was used to kill everyone

in the building at 110 East 40th Street?

Where'd you get that?

If a train left New York

at 300 miles per hour...

...and accelerated speed

15 miles per hour...

...and traveled a distance

of 683 miles...

...tell me, sir, what time

would that train reach Chicago?

- That's a fargin trick question!

- What time?

This weed of crime

that threatens to grow unchecked...

...and choke off this beautiful flower,

which is our free democratic society.

I never thought this radio stunt

would catch on.

He's impossible to control. The public

sees him as a knight in shining armor.

This goes through armor.

Then it goes through the victim...

...through the wall, through a tree...

- Relax.

- Kelly's got nothing on us.

- Maybe we should wait until he does.

Pipe down, Vermin.

We knock off Kelly, and the whole city

would be breathing down our necks.

If Jocko was in charge,

we'd be making cement loafers for him.

Jocko's not in charge, I am.

Got it?

Burr, talk some sense to the kid.

Get him to play ball.

Fabulous idea, Johnny. We'll appeal

to the more practical side of the man.

There you go. While you're at it,

buy yourself a second home.

- Thanks, Johnny.

- Sure.

This gang's getting soft.

By letting Kelly take us apart, we'd be

the laughingstock of the underworld.

Yeah.

At parties, people ask what I do.

I'm embarrassed. I say Im a barber.

I told somebody I was a male nurse.

I'm ashamed to admit Im a criminal.

- Me too.

- We gotta do something about this.

Boy, you fellas really disappoint me.

Take a look around you.

What do you see?

I'll tell you what I see.

I see some guys doing pretty damn good.

- Manny, you got a sauna?

- Yeah, I got a sauna.

All right.

Ollie, you send your mother

to Norway every summer, don't you?

Yeah, Johnny.

Vito, how many hats do you own?

Upwards of around 180.

180 hats. That's a lot of hats.

You never told me that.

- Tell me another gang in New York...

...that's got a dental plan.

- Do you know why we're so successful?

- Why, Johnny? Tell us.

Because we're diversified.

Diversification.

We're exploring new

and exciting areas of crime.

We better, because there are Japanese

gangs who'll do it faster and cheaper.

Believe me, fellas. Believe me.

There's so much out there...

...you could find something you like.

- I like what Im doing right now.

I enjoy collecting protection money,

putting whores to work, loan sharking.

I enjoy planting bombs in people's cars.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Sick? Don't ask.

You missed, fuckface.

All right, Vermin.

You're not getting that back

until you've matured.

Aren't we touchy today, Johnny?

What's the matter? Something going on

between you and Kelly?

You shouldn't hang me on a hook.

My father hung me on a hook once.

Once.

- Come on, boys. I'm buying.

- Now you're talking.

Bye, Danny.

Hang in there, Vermin.

There's something fishy with

Johnny and that DA.

And Im gonna find out what it is.

Good news, sir.

I got enough to put Dangerously

where he belongs.

Hold it. We don't even know

such a man exists.

Until now.

Sir, I have got conclusive evidence:

Notarized depositions,

tire prints, blood samples.

I've got eyewitness accounts,

murder weapons, fingerprints...

Hold it. Hold it, kid.

It's flimsy. It's not enough.

It'll never hold up in a court of law.

Let's put this aside.

We're here to socialize, not talk shop.

- Had enough milk-fed veal, Tommy?

- Yes, sir. Delicious.

Now, can we get back

to this damaging evidence...

...on Johnny Dangerously?

- No. Tonight, I wanna talk about...

...Tommy Kelly and his future.

You're engaged, aren't you?

Yes, sir, I am. To a fine and decent girl.

We plan to be married soon.

- As soon as you can afford it, eh?

- We'll manage.

Oh, Im sure you will.

But a little help can't hurt.

Come here, Tom.

Let me show you something.

It's time to play ball!

Let's see what's in store

for Tommy Kelly if he plays ball!

In a hurry, Sally? Pop it into

this time-saving microflame oven.

Cook a whole turkey in just under a day!

In a rut, Tom? Get away from it all.

Take a trip around the world...

...on us! Twice!

Aboard the S.S. Kelly.

And when you return,

move into your own cozy, little love nest.

Plenty of extra closet space.

Perfect for entertaining.

And on those chilly winter nights...

...Sally can wrap herself up

in this number.

And on those hot summer nights,

she can wrap herself up in ice!

It's all yours, Tommy,

if you play ball!

What do you say?

I say Ill see you behind bars.

- Yeah, what's up?

Didn't go for it. What should I do?

Hold on, Ill ask Johnny.

What do you wanna do about Kelly?

Kill him.

He wants you to kill him.

I thought he'd feel that way.

So Ive taken care of it.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Which one's Tommy?

- You got me.

This is him. He's got his father's eyes.

Give me a pen.

In case they move him.

Hey, Ma? Is he gonna...?

Are they...?

- Will he...?

- Croak? No, don't you worry.

Dr. Kaplan says he's going to be fine.

We Kellys are tough.

- What happened?

- He was coming from the DA's house...

...and his brakes failed.

- His brakes?

I smell a rat.

Get yourself a cab.

I got a little business to attend to.

This is very nice, although unexpected.

Well, I figure you've been on the take

from us for all these years.

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