Johnny Dangerously Page #5

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- It's just my way of saying thanks.

- That's generous of you. You know...

...you've always seemed to me

to be more sensitive than the rest.

We should spend some time together.

Say, two weeks in Puerto Rico?

It's a thought. By the way,

I picked a little something up for you.

Ah, John.

A smoking jacket.

Red, my favorite color.

Tasty. What is this we're drinking?

Read the label. Excuse me for a minute,

I've gotta make a call.

"Malt liquor. "

Yo!

My God. My God, I can see.

I can see.

- Hi, honey. I'm home.

Johnny, you're early.

That's all right, isn't it?

Johnny, you never missed before.

Is something wrong?

- Hi, Johnny.

- Hi, Mrs. Capone.

Could I borrow a cup of bullets.

We're a little short.

We're a little low here too,

Mrs. Capone.

Oh, boy. Al's gonna be pissed.

Hey, well, maybe Al's gonna have

to stay home tonight.

Gee.

- Johnny, you weren't very nice to her.

- Oh, no?

When's somebody gonna be nice

to Johnny Dangerously?

Look at this.

My own brother is out to get me...

...that psycho Vermin's out to get him,

the gang's getting antsy...

...and the Crime Commission's

breathing down my neck.

- I hope that's for a small grownup.

- Just wishful thinking.

- Maybe someday, kid.

- When, Johnny?

When are we gonna stop running

and start living?

I don't mean to complain...

...but with Sally and Tommy getting

hitched tomorrow, it got me thinking.

I got a real, old-fashioned streak in me.

I wanna live a normal life.

Johnny Dangerously can't live

a normal life. It ain't in the cards.

People like me,

we're like shooting stars.

We cross the sky, burning hot

for one moment in time, and then we...

...plunge to earth, disappear. Jesus

Christ, Im starting to upset myself.

Oh, but, Johnny,

it doesn't have to be that way.

- We can change.

- I don't know, Lil. Dare we dream?

Hanging curtains, ironing shirts.

- Car pools, PTA.

- Sharing a casserole recipe.

Putting up shelf paper.

Oh, Johnny, I love shelf paper.

- A little house, white picket fence.

- Kids and dogs playing in the yard.

Saying hi to a neighbor named Fred.

Maybe there is a rainbow

for us out there.

Sure, we had dreams.

But when you're in crime,

dreams don't always come true.

Follow them.

Park in this spot here.

- It's for the handicapped.

I am handicapped. I'm psychotic.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

You're like a daughter to me,

and I wanna share something with you.

- What's that, Mom Kelly?

- I go both ways.

I'm glad we waited,

but I can't wait anymore.

- Okay, where?

- Some place real close.

I know Tommy's excited,

but I wonder if he knows about foreplay.

- He'll figure it out.

- And when will you follow...

...your brother's example, Johnny Kelly?

- Brothers.

I knew there was something.

Leave your face right there.

How do you like that? Johnny

Dangerously is Tommy Kelly's brother.

- What?

- Dangerously is the DA's brother.

That's it? You little sh*t!

Hallelujah!

There you are. I was wondering

what happened to my kid brother.

I'm Johnny Kelly's kid brother,

not Johnny Dangerously's.

It was just a matter of time, wasn't it?

All I ask is that you don't tell Ma.

She's gonna find out,

because when I put you behind bars...

...your picture's gonna be

on the front page everywhere.

- Why, Johnny? Why?

- I don't know, kid.

Maybe it's because that big dealer up in

the sky shuffles the cards...

...and we just play what we're dealt.

- It's against the law to gamble!

- Jesus Christ.

I took an oath to fight crime,

but I can't go against my own brother.

- We have to settle this with our fists.

- Wait a minute, kid.

- You can't fight me. I'm too good.

- I'll take my chances.

Okay. I win, you quit.

- You win, I quit.

- All right.

Johnny, take a dive.

I didn't know you packed such a wallop.

All right, Tom, you win.

- I'm going legit.

- Gee, thanks, Johnny!

Hey.

This time, I really was going legit.

Now all I had to do

was make the gang understand.

- Who did that?

- Sorry. Did I get you?

You ruined the jacket. See?

- When do we tell the boys about Johnny?

- As soon as he gets here.

I wanna see the look on his face.

You know, you're not doing

yourself any good.

And for you kids out there who are

thinking about smoking, don't start.

And if you've started, stop.

Smoking don't make you look tough,

it makes you look stupid.

If you've gotta put something

in your mouth...

...make it a stick of chewing gum.

Sure. That's what Johnny does.

Smoking is the worst thing

you can do to your body.

- See?

- Hey, Johnny, let's have it.

I'll be late for target practice.

There's an opera letting out.

- All right, here it is. I'm going legit.

- Le-what?

- Legit.

- Le-why?

I'll tell you le-why.

Le-cause Johnny Dangerously...

...is really Johnny Kelly,

brother of the DA, Tommy Kelly.

Johnny, is this true? Because if it is,

I don't know how to react.

Yeah, kid, it is true.

Tommy Kelly is my brother.

And you know what? I'm proud of him.

Sure you're proud of him.

You've been working with him...

...helping his career. And now that he's

on top, you're running out on us.

You know something, Johnny,

you don't care about crime.

I don't care about crime?

I've devoted my entire life to crime

since I was 12 years old.

I just think we ought to relax,

that's all, and enjoy what we got.

We got plenty. Fellas,

I'm closing this store up for good.

Well, Im reopening it

under new management.

Oh, no, you're not,

because you don't have the keys.

And I do. And Im turning them

over to the crime commissioner.

And us with them, huh, Johnny?

I knew it, he's turning squealer.

You know, Im bored

with slapping you around.

It bores me.

Don't worry, fellas,

you guys are in the clear.

It's me they're after.

Dirty Jew! Shanty n*gger!

White-trash bastard!

Go ahead, walk all over

the little people!

Commissioner, there's all the evidence

against me, just like I promised you.

Use it.

I'm ready to pay my debt.

Hey, how about a thank-you?

Hey, how about me getting out of here?

Hey, how about me getting knocked out?

I'd love to stick around and see how

this whole thing turns out...

...but I got a new store to open.

Oh, you lousy, Wop, Slovak, Chink, Jap,

Polack, Mick, Krauts, Hebe fags!

- Hi, doll. What's your name?

- Mary Margaret Catherine Dineen.

- How'd you like to make some money?

- One at a time or both together?

How much for you to clean room 708

and forget you ever saw us?

- $17,000.

- All right, 17 grand it is.

Do us a big favor and forget

we ever gave you this money, huh?

- What money?

- Attagirl.

One at a time. One at a time.

- Did you do it?

- You know better than to ask me that.

- Why did they find a gun in your hand?

- I've been framed like the Mona Lisa.

John!

- Yeah, Duffy?

What were you doing there?

- I was there to tell him I was going legit.

- Le-what?

Legit, as in legitimate.

Hey, Johnny, can we get a picture?

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