Johnny English

---

[Dogs Barking]

[Toys Squeaking]

[Dogs Whimpering]

[Guns Cocking]

Ah, the Heckler & Koch G-36.

Quite deadly in the right hands.

Ah, Agent One.

I have been so looking

forward to this moment.

Well, in that case,

I'll try not to disappoint.

You overestimate your power

over women, Mr English.

I'd say that would be

virtually impossible.

Sir? Sir?

- Sir! Have you got them?

- [Gasps]

- Hmm?

- The mission documents. Agent One's flying tonight.

Yes, the mission documents.

They're here somewhere. Ah, here we are.

Agent One.

Gentlemen.

I'm here for my documents.

Bough, Agent One's

documents, please.

- [Clears Throat]

- Thank you.

Your mission documents,

Agent One.

Including the codes for the submarine

hatch, which I've checked myself.

Thank you.

So, is it just France tonight, or will you

be slipping over the Pyrenees as well?

If I told you that,

I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.

Oh.

[Nervous Chuckle]

[Muttering] Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I expect you would.

Cheerio, Agent One.

Bonne chance.

Arrivederci.

Such class.

Such distinction.

[Bell Tolling] To: MI7 All Depts. Urgent!

Agent One killed in action in Biarritz.

Submarine hatch failed to open.

The greatest secret agent England's

ever had snuffed out in an instant.

Terrible.

Do you know what makes us envied

the world over, Bough?

- That there's always another agent waiting to step in.

- Absolutely, sir.

And every last one of them

is gathered around that grave.

It is our honour and privilege

to guard them while they grieve.

Their lives are in our hands, Bough.

[Tyres Screeching]

Everything in order, English?

I think you'll find it's rather

more than just in order, sir.

You're now entering the most secure

location in the whole of England.

[Cow Mooing]

[Man] Pegasus,

we face a national crisis.

Agent One was clearly onto something,

and we have to find out what.

I need another agent on this.

Who else is there?

No one, Prime Minister.

They all died in the explosion.

All of them?

Well, luckily there is

one who survived.

Who?

# One eye on the shadows #

# Protecting his fellows #

- # From sunup till the moon on his back #

- [Grunting]

- # Sendin' villains to Hades a hit with the ladies #

- Johnny English.

# A stallion in the sack #

- # You can't get your life back when right follows left, Jack #

- [Groaning]

# The more you see

the less you know #

# When others would leak it

His service is secret #

# Plays God

when it's your time to go #

# Hey, fellas

Don't be jealous #

# When they made him

they broke the mould #

# So charismatic

with an automatic #

# Never prematurely

shooting his load #

Hah!

# Queen and country

safe and sound #

# With villains

six feet underground #

# And no one knows 'cause

no one's found any trace #

# Of a man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

# And you and I wouldn't have a clue

who's doin' what, why, when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out #

# For the man

for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

- # But safe at home #

- # But safe at home #

- # Oh, yeah, yeah #

- # But safe at home #

# But safe at home

But safe at home #

# Then you and I wouldn't have a clue

who's doin' what, why, when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out #

# For the man

for all seasons #

# Loves 'em and leaves 'em

alone, so alone #

# But safe at home ##

Right.

Johnny English.

I'm here to see Pegasus.

Still, no sense rushing things.

There are some items you need

to sign before your briefing.

This is your new retinal I.D. card,

and this is your level

nine security clearance.

Sign and date, please.

Ah.

Oh, reminds me of the old

service issue ballpoint.

I remember every agent would

carry a pen that looked just like this.

Completely innocent to the

untrained eye, but click it twice--

[Gasps]

Ah, English, there you are.

Have you seen my secretary?

Um... she went out.

Um... shall we?

Now, Agent One believed that there

was a plot to steal the Crown Jewels.

They've recently been through

a multimillion-pound restoration,

largely paid for by a corporate sponsor.

They're due to be unveiled

tonight at the Tower of London.

The queen is insisting that the ceremony

goes ahead, so what we want you to--

Hah! Who-- Who--

Who is the sponsor, sir?

Pascal Sauvage.

What, that flouncy Frenchman

who owns a couple of prisons?

Sauvage's L7 billion empire,

English,

operates over 400 prisons

in 60 countries.

- He's built 25 of them here.

- Right, sir.

The man's related to the royal family,

for goodness'sake.

As far as the prime minister's concerned,

he's one of the greatest friends England's got.

Now, English, I want you at the Tower

tonight, monitoring this unveiling.

Any chink in security,

any weakness,

however slight,

must be plugged immediately.

Do we understand each other?

- Perfectly, sir.

- Good.

- Oh, yes.

- And, uh, English...

we can't afford any mistakes--

not tonight.

The word ''mistake'' sir, is not one

that appears in my dictionary.

THE TOWER OF LONDON

[Engine Revs]

Fantastic car, sir!

Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony

Chevenix, head of Royal Security.

Ah, Colonel, good evening.

- Snipers posted on the roof as per my request?

- Thirteen of them.

- Windows?

- Refitted with bullet and shatter-proof glass.

I shall now mingle

inconspicuously with the guests.

- Let me know when Her Majesty arrives.

- Very good.

Shall I mingle with you, sir?

Oh, yes, Bough.

Once you've checked the roof.

[Screaming]

Help! Help!

Well, hello.

Hello yourself.

Johnny English.

Lorna Campbell.

A Bloody Mary, please,

not too spicy.

So, are you here in

some professional capacity?

I worked on the restoration of the jewels.

- Intriguing.

- And yourself?

If I told you that,

I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.

I'd like to see you try.

Monsieur Sauvage,

on behalf of Her Majesty,

may I welcome you to the Tower.

Merci, monsieur.

So, are you here alone,

Mr English?

That's how I choose

to live my life, Miss Campbell.

Women want safety, security.

I can offer them nothing but danger.

Some women find danger very attractive.

Women like you, Miss Campbell?

Women like me expect men like you...

to find that out for yourself.

Hmm.

Madame.

Oh, it's for me, actually. Could your

rustle up some of those cheesy niblets?

Now, where were we?

You obviously haven't met

our host, Monsieur Sauvage.

No, thank God.

You know, I think I'd rather have

my bottom impaled on a giant cactus...

than exchange pleasantries

with that jumped-up Frenchman.

As far as I'm concerned, the only thing

the French should host is an invasion.

[Snickers]

Sorry, can I help?

Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.

Lorna Campbell. I've been so

looking forward to meeting you.

- Enchant.

- [Muttering]

But of course! You're Johnny English.

I've heard all about you.

And between you and me,

I'm not so keen on the French myself.

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