Johnson Family Vacation Page #2

- My bad.

Dorothy, Nikki, let's go!

Son, you wanna learn how to drive?

- For sure. Let's go.

- Give me your hand. Here's your first lesson.

Let's go!

Calm down, Nate. We'll be out in a minute.

Let's go.

Oh, no.

Don't even think about it.

Dang, Dad.

Man, what would I do

without my Mike Tyson grill?

"Tastes so good, it'll bite you back. "

- Let me go get these women.

- Yeah, do that.

Ladies, come on. Let's go.

We gotta be on the I-10 by 10:00.

And it's 9:
42. Let's roll.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't tell me you are bringing

your schoolwork on this trip.

Yes. I have a test

when I get back.

- Why don't you study when we get back?

- Help me with the bags, please.

D.J., help your mother

with her bags.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What?

You're runnin' like

you stole something. Say hello.

- Hello, sweetie.

- Hey, Ma.

You mean you gotta do this...

Yeah, you're right.

My belly button is way better

than Beyonc's.

What? Now, see,

you've gone a little far now.

I ain't puttin'

chocolate syrup in it.

- No.

- Get off that phone and change.

- Thank you.

- That was the quarterback.

You're living under my roof,

play by my rules.

- No boys on the phone.

- You're acting like Dad.

- No boys stopping by all hours. Don't roll your eyes.

- He's a quarterback.

- That's right.

- Cell phone.

I didn't want you to have a cell phone

in the first place. Your father's idea.

Y'all are arguing about

the wrong thing.

Who made the sandwiches for the trip,

and did you go by Food Club...

and get the big thing

of planters Cheez Balls like I like 'em?

Nate, you see what she's wearing?

Actually, both y'all need to change.

You know my mama don't like pink.

Nate. "Cheez Balls. "

Daddy, I made

this outfit myself.

You need to get upstairs

and finish making the rest of it.

- But it took me...

- But nothin'. Nikki, I am your father.

I know what's best for you,

and that's go change.

L-10 by 10:
00. Let's go, people.

- Hi, Daddy.

- Hi, cutie.

- And how are you?

- Good. You?

Ah, you look so nice.

You ready for the trip?

Yep.

Nate, what happened to your car?

It looks like a purse on wheels.

Then you should feel right at home.

- Damn.

- Oh, there you go, son.

You know, if that rapping thing doesn't

work out, you'll make one hell of a bellboy.

Go ahead. All right, sweetie.

Let's get you in the car.

All right. Upsy-goesy.

Okay. Better.

All right.

Remember, baby girl.

I have a very special birthday party

planned for you at Bun World.

Yea!

Wait, Daddy.

Don't leave Sir Barks-A-Lot.

He's going to miss my birthday.

Sweetie, there is no dog, okay?

Nate, get the dog.

There.

- There you go.

- Thanks, Dad.

What the hell?

- Nikki, this better be F. T.D.

- Yoo-hoo.

His rusty tail is old enough

to be your granddaddy.

- Or Mom's big daddy.

- Dorothy.

"Yoo-hoo, Dorothy"?

Nikki. Tsk. You didn't tell me Mama's

been creepin' while Daddy's been sleepin'.

I didn't tell you 'cause you a kid.

Tsk. See, there you go.

I'm Nate Johnson.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. We'll use those flowers

for his funeral.

I reserved our favorite table

at Starbucks.

Oh.

Thanks for the book, Stan.

Uh, I really can't

accept the flowers.

Why not? L... I spent

all week picking them.

Well, we're study partners,

Stan. That's it.

- What do you mean?

- I don't want you to get the wrong idea.

What's up, brah?

Hello, brother.

Stan Turner.

Nate Johnson...

husband, 16 years.

- Nate, don't start.

- I'm just trying to take my family...

down to the reunion.

You know, uh, some spades,

a couple of family arguments...

- some softball.

- Whoa. Yes.

Whoa. Careful there.

Just a little...

Oh!

What is wrong with you?

Stan, wait.

"Stan, wait"?

I didn't get the memo. When did

we start seeing other people, Dorothy?

Don't test me. You know the only reason

I agreed to go on this trip...

is 'cause it's

Destiny's birthday tomorrow.

Fine. Fine. Fine.

I'm Nate Johnson.

Capricorn.

Check my dental records, jack.

So, where did you meet him...

that so-called accounting class?

So that's what this is all about, huh?

Me becoming a C.p. A.

I thought we settled that argument

when I moved out.

Oh, so I'm the bad guy

because I wanted you...

- to raise our kids?

- I can be a wife...

a mother and pursue my career too.

- Hey, my mother did it.

- Right. Yeah.

That's why the last time

I saw your brother, he was your sister.

Mommy, I'm hungry.

Hey, um, Nikki, can you get your sister

some Froot Loops, please?

Shut up.

Destiny, sweetie.

Be very careful

in Daddy's new truck.

Look. Everybody else, this truck

has to go back exactly the way it is.

If you break something,

then I've gotta pay for it.

Oops. Sorry, Dad.

Th-That's okay, sweetie.

Don't worry about it.

All right.

The I-10 by... 10:03.

Damn. We're late.

Yo, Dad. Who was that?

- It's S.O.S., son.

- I wish somebody can come rescue me right now.

Oh, Nate, be fair. Why don't you just

load half of your C.D.'s and half of his?

I'll load half of his C.D.'s

when he pays half of my car note.

Nate.

Fine. But I like

my music nonviolent...

with limited cussin;

So, nobody who's been shot.

Here. Come here.

Give me this.

Okay. Right here.

Tupac Shakur. Shot.

Nate. Nate, what...

Notorious B.I.G. Shot.

- Hey, Dad. What are you doin'? Mom.

- C-Murder.

Wait. Stop.

- Dad, C-Murder wasn't shot. - Yeah, but

with a name like that, he should have been.

- Sam Cooke.

- Wait. What are you doing?

Shot.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's Sam Cooke.

That's "born by the river. "

You gonna make me

pull this car over.

- Marvin Gaye.

- Hey, hey.

Shot.

That is one of the greatest singers...

- He threw out Marvin Gaye.

- He was shot... by his daddy.

- Twice.

- What are you...

- Al Green.

- Wait a minute now. He wasn't shot.

- That was hot grits.

- That was close enough.

- Shot.

- Boy, that man is a reverend.

That's my pastor.

What is wrong with you?

How am I supposed to

go to church on Sunday?

Daddy, no one's been shot on this one.

Daddy, why aren't you singing?

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, Dad.!

Nate, what are you doin'?

Little shortcut.

Yeah.

Oh!

Hey!

See this fool?

What does he...

Come on.

That's it. I'm gon' have to show this redneck

what a brother looks like with a V-8...

riding 300 horses.

That's right.

That's right, baby.

I got the zoom-zoom

for your boom-boom right there.

Yeah.

Ooh, Daddy.

Look at the cute little baby.

Yeah, sucker. Yeah.

Tenderwipe that!

Yeah.

That's drivin' right there.

You know what I'm sayin'?

That's all right right there.

Hey, Dad.

Dad, get the bags.

Everybody all right?

Get the bags!

Get the Cheez Balls.!

Man, them my church shoes.!

Look out.!

Nate, do something. Oh, my God!

Daddy!

Everybody hold on!

- Guess I showed him, huh?

- You sure did.

My God.

Uh... Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Boy, that was close.

Anybody else want to drive?

You are now entering Arizona...

the Grand Canyon State.

Seventy. Increasing cloudiness...

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