Joseph Andrews Page #2

May the lord protect us

from such unnatural lusts.

Amen, Joseph.

Amen.

Poor Sir Thomas.

Hardly cold in his grave

and you, so young and fine.

It's hard, Joey.

When a lady takes a

fancy to a gentleman,

the lightest hope

sophisticates.

Tell me... what are your...

what are your

feelings towards me?

You must've propriated

how I feel.

Why, ma'am,

I love you as if...

Oh!

...as if you were my own mother.

You dare insinuate

that I am old enough

to be your mother?

Your own mother?

What I mean, ma'am, is...

that you are a woman

of learning.

Oh, Joseph.

My eyes, whether

I would or not,

declare a... passion

I cannot conquer.

Joseph. Joseph!

What do you think

of Joseph, Slipslop?

I fear he is

trs sauvage.

That he is, my lady.

And wicked, too.

He games and

drinks and swears

and fights eternally,

and as for wenching...

I never heard that of him.

Oh, he even had the prurience

to try and deflower me.

And Betty the chambermaid,

I am convicted,

is by child with him.

Dismiss them both.

But, my lady,

when Betty is gone

he may mend his ways.

Call Joseph.

I will examine him myself.

What? Here?

Here?

Do you think I would see

a libertine

alone in my bedroom?

Jamais dans ma vie!

I am told that half

the females in this house

live in fear

for their virginity,

and the other half

are carrying your children.

Your ladyship is under

a misapprehension.

I have never offered

more than a kissing.

Kissing?

You call that no crime?

Kissing, Joseph,

is as a prologue to a play.

What would you think, Joseph,

if I admitted you

to kiss me?

Uh...

I would rather die,

madam,

than to have

any such thought.

And yet, Joseph,

ladies have admitted their

footmen to such familiarities.

Madam, if they were offered,

I hope I should have

enough virtue

to be able to control myself.

A footman have virtue!

I am sorry if I have

offended your ladyship...

Get out!

Joseph...

have you ever been in love?

Love, my lady?

Oh, I am sure you are

no stranger to that passion.

What lady has tempted you?

Ladies?

Why, I'm sure I never had

the impudence

to think of any such.

Raise my veil, Joseph.

What am I doing?

Here I am naked.

Toute seule.

Why, if you attacked me,

however would I protect myself?

Madam, I have no evil designs.

No?

I assure you.

Hmm, you misunderstand me.

Are you not a man?

And without vanity?

I am not without mes charmes.

Plump my pillows, Joseph.

Do I not move you, Joseph?

In any parts?

I do not understand

you, madam.

Then you're either a fool

or pretending to be.

Va-t-en!

Beg your pardon?

Get out of my sight!

Joseph Andrews is dismissed.

Get off your robe.

You're breaking my heart, Joey.

I don't know how I'll carry on.

Where are you going?

What's the news from Bath?

Joseph's been dismissed.

Been dismissed?

Yes.

Stand and deliver.

There's but seven shillings.

And four pence.

He'll have more.

Strip.

Or I'll blow your brains

to the devil.

No, stop it!

Wait! Whoa, whoa!

What is the delay?

I have court

within an hour.

There's a man here...

naked as he was ever born.

A naked man.

Coachman, drive on.

Leave him.

Wait. Is he dead?

No, but he's sort a hurt.

Probably robbed.

Robbed?

There must be highwaymen about.

Let him be!

A moment.

He shall not come

into this coach.

I'd rather stay in these parts

for all eternity

than drive in a coach with...

a naked man.

Good sir, give me some covering.

I would not offend the lady.

I'll not have my coat bloodied.

I'll ride in my shirt then.

I'll not suffer a Christian

to stay naked. Here.

All right.

Next time, you'll pay.

Would you run

for the doctor?

Hey!

What's all this, then?

Mr. Tow-Wouse...

Poor boy-- he's near to death.

I was just going to take him...

to rest in the attic.

I'll not have no vagabonds

in my attic.

Mr. Tow-Wouse,

you as a Christian

cannot deny me that.

I can't deny

you nothing, Betty.

All right,

put him in the attic.

Don't tell the missus.

Oh, no, you don't,

Mr. Tow-Wouse.

We're not taking in no beggars.

Who's to pay his reckoning?

Where's your common charity?

Common charity? A fart!

Common charity teaches us

to provide for ourselves

and our families, and I and mine

are not going to be ruined

by your charity.

Well, he could rest

in the attic.

For pity's sake.

A fart on your pity, too.

You've the finest skin

I ever saw on any boy.

Now, good sir, modesty

has no place for this sake.

I've washed men before.

I know what to expect.

Oh, sir, I do declare,

that's the prettiest compliment

I've ever been paid.

I do assure you, madam,

'tis but the heat of the room.

Ooh, I know when a sword

should be stuck in a scabbard.

Hey!

Oh, Mr. Tow-Wouse.

He attacked me.

He... he plunged at my virtue.

Your virtue?

He tore my clothes off.

Please don't tell,

Mr. Tow-Wouse.

He's fully revived.

Doesn't look like it to me.

Well, I had to...

I had to knock him down again.

Eh, never mind him.

You've revived me, Betty.

I'm standing like a crocus.

Betty?!

Oh! Oh! Oh, Mr. Tow-Wouse!

Betty...!

Oh, Mr. Tow-Wouse!

So!

Uh, I fainted.

Just came over...

strange, I did--

most perplexing.

This is the reward

from her virtue.

You abuse my bed--

my own bed--

with my own servant!

As for you, you slut!

I'll rule you!

Get out, you nasty little whore!

I'll snell the hide off you,

you... you b*tch!

If I've been a little naughty,

I'm not the first,

and I'll not be

called a she-dog

by any b*tch in England.

You...

you lecher! I'll...

I'll bloody you!

Now for you!

I'm the doctor.

Came as fast as I could.

A matter of some urgency,

I understand.

Oh, yes, yes, I see.

- Sit down, my poor fellow.

- What?

I-I am not your patient, sir.

- Not...?

- No.

Ah, is that the poor

unfortunate...?

Uh...

Mr. Tow-Wouse!

Uh, yes, my love?

Oh, my poor fellow, I can

see that you're suffering.

I am a surgeon.

No, sir, no, I've a...

fainting... purely fainting.

I'll be well, directly.

Where is the patient

I was sent for?

Aha.

Aha!

Dear me, dear me.

Been in the wars lately,

haven't we?

Well, what about our heart, eh?

Hmm?

Yes... hmm?

We are wasting our time,

aren't we?

We're dead.

There's very little hope,

I'm afraid.

He's dead.

Dead?

And no means to pay

his reckoning.

He's a turd from fortune.

The Lord giveth

and the Lord taketh away...

Dead-- as mutton...

as we surgeons say.

My fee for services

will be a mere

shilling, madam.

Services? You've done

him no services. He's dead.

My diagnosis, madam--

the apotheoses

of medical skill.

I diagnosed him dead.

From what cause did he die?

The contusion on his head

perforated

the internal membrane

of the occipit,

and divilicated

the radical, small,

minute, invisible nerve

that coheres

to the pericranium.

That roast looks delicious.

I'll take a slice of that

in lieu of my fee.

Who was this

poor unfortunate?

I'll offer a prayer

in his behalf.

He said his name was Joseph--

Joseph Andrews.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes