Joshua Page #2

(piano playing stops)

(resumes playing,

finishes piece)

(keys clattering)

(Brad humming)

Hey.

Hey, I didn't see you there.

ABBY:

Brad...

- BRAD:
Sweetie, I'm...

- It ricochets.

I'm cultured, I swear.

- (laughing)

- See?

(baby coos)

God.

You know,

someone died in this apartment.

BRAD:

Oh, yeah?

Really?

I-I-I... I'm pretty sure

that's not true.

If you think

about it,

someone has died

on pretty much every inch

of this planet.

You know, dig down anywhere,

and you'll find bones.

(Abby laughs)

ABBY:

I don't know. I thinkyou...

We'd probably know if

someone was killed here.

I didn't say killed.

Why do you think killed?

Do you have that sense, too?

(Brad chewing loudly)

Nobody died here, man.

Are you sure?

ABBY (laughing):

I'm pretty sure.

Kind of sure.

(baby cooing)

What? Tell him about it.

(talking gibberish)

Tell him about your shots.

She had her shots today.

BRAD:

Oh,yeah?

Yeah. She was so good.

- I was a mess, however.

- Ah...

Oh, you poor thing.

What was I like as a baby?

BRAD:

You were great.

You were... you were very, uh...

You had a lot of... spirit.

- (clears throat)

- (laughs)

You certainly knew

what you wanted,

that's for sure.

What did I want?

Ah...

We could never tell.

But I was all right?

You...

Yeah.

ABBY (laughing):

You were fine.

BRAD:

You were great.

You really were.

You were a good kid.

(baby crying)

BRAD:
Oh, yes, here we are

with Joshua, eight days old.

BRAD:

Mommy... and son.

ABBY:

Brad, what are you doing?

BRAD (upper crust accent): I'm just trying

to get a slice of life here, you see.

Well, not now.

Please just get out of here.

(shushing baby)

BRAD:
Mommy's very tired,

very tired, and she's trying to...

ABBY:

Brad, f*** off.

BRAD:

Just give a little... Okay. Okay.

Just leave me alone right now.

BRAD:

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay.

(baby crying)

BRAD (whispers):

I'll stop, I'll stop, I'll stop.

BRAD:

And here we are behind the scenes

- with Brad and Abby Cairn.

- (baby crying and screaming)

- Hello, Mommy!

- Brad...

BRAD:

Okay, okay, okay...

- (baby screams)

- BRAD:
Ow!

ABBY:

Get out!

(baby crying)

(Abby sniffles)

(baby crying)

(Abby inhales deeply)

ABBY:

I'm fine, I'm fine.

(crying):

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

(exhales loudly)

(whispers):
I'm fine. I'm fine,

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.

(Abby sniffles, baby cries)

(baby crying)

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

(baby crying)

(loud static)

(volume increases)

(crowd murmuring)

(laughing):

What's going on with you?

MAN:

Hey, it's the new parents.

- BRAD:
Hey, how you been?

- Brad!

BRAD:

Fred, Ruth, how you guys doing? Hey...

- Hello, Abernathys.

- WOMAN:
Hello.

Where you guys been?

- South Africa.

- BRAD:
Oh, nice.

My mother finally died.

Oh, sorry.

The weather was unbelievable.

I caught the biggest

shark you've ever seen.

- Mm. Really...?

- WOMAN:
So, how's the new girl?

It's Lily, right?

ABBY:

Yeah. She's good.

You look fabulous.

- Yeah.

- BRAD:
No kidding.

- Thank you.

- BRAD:
What do you use for...?

- Well, you finally had another. That's great.

- Yeah.

MAN:
It took me three hours

to bring in that shark.

Hey, how's Tommy?

Well, we'll see. Uh...

The trumpet was a real mistake.

There is a reason

- that nobody plays the trumpet.

- (laughter)

So, are we all prepared for

an hour of unspeakable music?

Speak for your own child.

I tell you, two kids really

changes everything, huh?

- (Abby clears throat)

- MAN:
Try three.

(laughs)

All right, we'll see you out there.

- Okay.

- Break a leg.

- Okay.

- BRAD:
Okay.

(sighs)

I hate these people.

(whispers)

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey, keep it down.

(sighs):

Are we these people?

It's just a school, baby.

Hey, bullshit.

It is not just a school.

- It's a way of life.

- Shh, shh.

And we're smack dab

in the middle of it.

- Hi.

- Hey.

(sighs)

(whispers):

There he is.

Sorry, I'm late, sis.

Yeah, whatever.

You're right on time.

(applause)

(playing slowly and off-key)

# Ave Maria #

# Gratia plena... #

(playing off-key and badly)

(playing high notes)

(applause, crowd murmuring)

(playing "Twinkle, Twinkle

Little Star" fluidly)

(whispers):

What's he doing?

(plays a wrong note)

Uh, I don't know.

(plays a wrong note)

(plays fluidly)

(plays discordant note)

(plays discordant note)

(plays fluidly)

(plays discordant note)

(plays two discordant notes)

(plays fluidly)

(plays occasional

discordant notes)

(plays more discordant notes)

(plays many atonal notes)

BRAD:

This is... This is...

This is all...

This is all wrong.

No. Actually, I think he's...

he's hitting every note.

(playing atonal music)

(crowd murmuring)

(plays atonal music assuredly)

(plays atonal music

loudly and confidently)

(music crescendos)

ABBY:

Joshua? Oh,Joshua...

(loud, muffled,

panicked voices)

MAN:

Excuse me!

(muffled voices)

BRAD:

You all right?

Hey, hey.

- ABBY:
You okay?

- You're okay.

He's okay.

You okay, buddy?

Say something.

- You okay?

- Come on, buddy, let's go.

Bring him...Just let me bring him.

MAN:

First I thought he was kidding around with...

(sighs heavily)

What were you doing up there?

You were probably just nervous, huh?

NED:

Hey,

I threw up the first time

I ever went on stage.

(horn honks)

- (gasps):
Oh!

- Hey, hey, hey.

Goddamn it.

Will you not drive like

a f***ing idiot, please?!.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(baby monitor clicks)

(static)

(baby crying)

(gasps)

(panting)

(crying continues)

(crying)

Please. Oh, oh, oh, baby.

Honey, honey, honey.

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

- What's wrong?

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Nothing. She just started crying.

- What did you do?

- Shh, shh.

I didn't do anything. I...

Well, she's fine.

- I fed her not too long ago.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- Here... No, no, no.

- No, I can do it.

- I can do it, sweetie.

- No, no. Here, let me.

- I can do it.

- Let me have her.

- She's fine.

- What's going on with her?

Is it night terrors or something?

What's happening?

No. She's fine,

she's fine, she's fine.

She doesn't like it...

She likes it when you

support her h...

She's fine, she's fine.

I'm fine, okay?!.

I can handle this.

Just go to bed!

(baby crying)

Okay. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Come on, baby...

(baby crying)

- Dad?

-Jesus.

Oh God, you scared the...

tar out of me.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

How're you feeling?

You feel, you feel better?

She's crying.

Yes, she is.

(chuckles)

Come on, buddy,

back to bed, let's go.

(baby crying)

So how long has she been crying now?

- Uh, five days.

- Hmm.

Yeah, she has a slight diaper rash.

You think that, that's it?

- Could that be it?

- Well...

you know, um...

some babies just like to cry.

- (crying continues)

- Yeah.

Here you go.

(crying continues)

Not this, not again.

Not, not this one.

You know, she was,

she was perfect

until five days ago.

Maybe she just has a lot to say.

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