Jumping the Broom Page #7

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It's all falling apart right

before your eyes. You know why?

You going about it

for the wrong reasons.

That's what this is all about, isn't it?

What?

You're just mad because Ricky

and not you is my best man, right?

-Nope.

-Tell the truth.

You know what? Yeah, I'm upset. I am.

I'm your cousin

and I'm your best friend,

but I ain't good enough

to be your best man.

That's what you basically telling me.

You'd be the best man at my wedding.

Whassup?

Okay. You wanna talk, let's talk.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's talk.

You are my cousin,

but the whole best friend thing?

Come on, Malcolm. Who are you fooling?

We haven't been best friends

for, what, two, three years?

Right around the time I bought my house.

I have a housewarming,

you don't show up.

I got promoted to vice president.

The entire block shows up.

Eddie, Casual Mike, even Dave comes.

Did you come? No.

Because you don't like hanging

around white people?

Hey, man.

Whenever I'm around white people,

-you know I get arrested.

-This isn't funny, Malcolm.

The only time you don't have something

negative to say about my success

is when you're on the phone

asking me for money.

Exactly.

So, the answer to this big question

you have in your head, no.

Money did not change me. It changed you.

Thanks for the advice,

but, frankly, I don't need it.

You're welcome.

The hell money changed me.

I ain't got none. Explain that.

I've been looking all over for you.

Here I am.

Thought you said you were coming to bed.

Things change. Don't they?

Yeah.

Yeah, they do.

Claudine?

You don't have to say it.

The late nights,

the incessant phone calls.

The way you looked

at that tramp of yours all night long.

You think I'm having an affair?

Please. Let's not do this.

I'm not having an affair, Claudine.

We're broke.

Broke?

Yes, broke.

This is not the moment for a joke.

Claude, I am not joking.

Oh, my God, Gregg.

How is that even possible?

With the credit freeze,

we didn't have enough cash up-front,

so we had to sell off assets at a loss.

It's complicated.

Basically, I think we were

a little too aggressive.

We?

We were too aggressive?

All right, I was too aggressive.

You didn't seem

to complain all those years

you lived off my aggressive investments.

Do not confuse your love for

the finer things in life with my values.

Unlike you, I could afford them.

Unlike you, I worked for them!

What exactly is broke?

Most of our retirement fund's

been wiped out.

We can barely afford this wedding,

let alone the kids' honeymoon.

All we have left

is this house.

Honestly, Gregory, an affair might

have been easier to swallow.

And just so I'm clear, are you saying

that all my family's money is gone?

That's what I'm saying.

Well, if the sofa

hasn't been repossessed,

please find yourself on it tonight.

No, absolutely not.

I am not doing this again.

Claude, I'm not playing this game

with you.

I'm gonna have some leftover vichyssoise

and I am gonna pour myself a Scotch.

Then I'm gonna go up to our bedroom,

get into our bed,

go to sleep, and snore.

Whether you're there or not.

Hey, girl!

This water feels so good.

I haven't been swimming in so long.

You crazy. Get out of that water, girl.

You know, I knew something wasn't right

about this family.

All the money and the big houses

and them weird accents.

Yeah, but you know what, Pam?

That ain't got nothing to do with it

'cause, you know,

you didn't wanna like 'em from the get.

Honey, that's because

I can tell a fake a mile away.

And I'll tell you this.

Now that I know what's going on,

-I don't want Jason mixed up

in this mess. -Okay.

Talking about sending him to China.

Do they even let black folk in China?

You know what, Pam,

I've known Jason his whole life,

and the boy has never been happier,

so leave him alone!

That's exactly my point. He can stay

in the US of A and stay happy.

No. I'll break this wedding up

if I have to,

-I tell you that.

-You know what, Just stop that.

What?

Just 'cause you got that young boy rubbing

on your old ashy legs,

you ain't gotta act out.

Yeah, well, that's one way to go.

And if you had somebody

rubbing up your little ashy leg,

maybe you would stop

getting into everybody else's business

because you'd have some of your own.

I tell you this, you about two days

from being a pedophile.

-He is young, ain't he? But he fine.

-Girl.

-Let's brush you.

-How old is that boy anyway?

-Twenty.

-Cougar, cougar, cougar, cougar.

You so crazy.

-Girl, you ought to be ashamed

of yourself. -Hush up.

Don't be mad 'cause you keep trying

to get your man off of a oldman.com.

So, this is what happens

at a bachelor party?

No, this is what happens at a funeral.

At a bachelor party,

there's a lot of alcohol,

and we drunk by now, with some lady

named Cinnamon Bun dancing on our lap,

like strippers, like they're bouncing.

Yeah, that's what happens

at a traditional bachelor party.

I don't know what happened here.

-Ready?

-So, you're not angry anymore?

I wanna go and they don't.

I'm not really ready to leave either.

But I wanna go home.

We have a big day tomorrow.

Babe, I'm in the middle

of a conversation right now.

For you to ask me to just walk out

on it, it's kind of rude.

-Rude?

-I didn't say ghetto.

Hey, hey, hey, guys. It's not that

serious. Jay, we can just call it, man.

I can't believe you're doing this

in front of everybody.

Look, babe, I called my mom,

and she said I can stay out as late

as I want tonight, so, don't be a brat.

A brat?

Fine. Have fun with your friends.

Hey! "Brat"?

Come on, man, you from Brooklyn.

"Brat" is the only B word

you could think of right now?

Jay, you don't wanna do this. You know

you're gonna get in some trouble.

Shut up. Look at your shirt.

Look, you did the right thing, Jay.

You're supposed to put your foot down

when women act like that.

Put 'em in their place, man.

And you are giving the wrong idea

to this young buck right here.

Malcolm. What do you know about a woman?

Now, let's be real.

You know, I don't understand

why y'all are chasing these young girls.

You know, me, myself,

I prefer a more seasoned woman.

Someone with a little experience,

mature.

You know, you gotta grow up

and leave the childish games behind you.

Yeah, you're 12, so I don't wanna

hear nothing you got to say.

Okay, first of all,

neither one of you guys understand.

All right,

this man's about to get married.

-"You don't... Neither one

of you guys..." -Jason, forget all this.

You need to go get Sabrina

and squash all this. I'm serious.

Jason, don't listen to nobody

that say words like "squash," all right?

"Squash all this." We don't talk

like that. We from the hood, man.

You don't even know Sabrina.

I know Sabrina.

-And I know Jason.

-Jason, go get your girl, man.

Jason, get your manhood.

Another round.

And that's how you do it.

Yes! This is turning

into a bachelor party.

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