Just Before I Go Page #2

- Hello.

- F*** you.

Okay.

Mrs. Lawrence?

Mrs. Lawrence, it's Teddy.

Ted Morgan. From the seventh grade?

Are you stupid?!

How many times do I have to say it?

The numerator goes into the denominator.

Four. Four times!

Take your seat.

Go! Sit! What's wrong with you?!

I think some children

in this class know math, right?

You were pretty mean to me.

Actually, you were more

than just mean, you were cruel.

Probably the cruelest person

I've ever met.

I was popular before seventh grade.

I had friends.

You made me a joke.

You picked on me every day.

Why? I never did anything to you.

I was polite. I was an A student.

Jesus, my father had just died!

Why were you such a miserable

cocksucking b*tch?!

They took my dog Pepper because of you.

He was my best friend. They took him away

because of you. I never saw him again.

I flew 3,000 miles to tell you how you set

my life on the path to ruin

and this is funny to you?

Well, f*** you!

F*** you, you dried-up,

withered, douchebag.

F*** you and the giant tarantula

you rode in on!

You old clam!

What the f*** are you smiling about?!

Jesus! What are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing

calling my grandmother a withered old clam?

- Help!

- Wait, wait, I can explain.

- Rape!

- Rape? Seriously?

This is Massachusetts,

people still come running for rape.

Don't move.

- What, the cat?

- It's not any cat.

No, no, no, no, Grandma, no.

Is she allergic?

You want me to get rid of it?

No, you can't get rid of Death Kitty.

If he comes into your room

and sleeps on your bed, you die.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Who are you?

You're serious? You came back here

to yell at my grandma, fight a bully,

and then kill yourself?

Isn't that a little f***ed up?

I think that any plan that ends with suicide

is probably a little f***ed up, yeah.

- No kids?

- Nope.

Is this like a cry for help?

Am I supposed to tell someone?

No, please don't.

So I'm just supposed to walk away

and let you... kill yourself?

I'm sorry. I'm an idiot,

but, yes, I was hoping so.

Hey.

I know you don't think so,

but someone is gonna care

and they're gonna be really pissed off

and they most likely won't ever forgive you.

- Teddy! Oh, my God!

- Hey, Mom.

- Oh...

- Good to see you.

Oh, honey. What a surprise.

Oh, I'm so happy to see you!

Oh, Margaret Margolis.

10% kidney function.

No feet.

Hi, baby! Let me look at you.

God. That's a sandwich.

I can't tell you how good it is

to see my baby boy again.

Thanks, Mom.

Let the boy breathe, Nance.

You're practically motorboatin' him.

- It's good to see you, too, Mom.

- How are things?

Shirley, do you have

to do that in the kitchen?

Sorry, baby. Sorry.

- So, Shirley, how are you feeling?

- Good, Ted. Can't complain.

Thank you very much, baby.

Shirley's making a comeback.

- Really?

- Yeah, look at this.

The Marshfield chili cook-off.

- Opening for Sha Na Na.

- You're gonna come, right?

- Yeah.

- Oh, good.

- Mom, do you remember Vickie Serrone?

- Oh, yeah, very nice girl.

She works checkout

at Shaw's Supermarket.

- She's worked there since high school.

- Shelves, too.

This girl knows where everything is.

Every aisle, every item.

You just try to stump her.

Two weeks ago I went in there and I said,

"I'd like some capers."

You know what she did?

She said, "Aisle seven, bottom shelf."

- Amazing.

- I don't even know what a caper is.

Shirley!

Hey, big mama.

- Where's my coffee?

- Almost ready, puddin'.

You could've given me

a little heads up on Elvis' comeback.

More like "Love Me Tenderloin."

Woman is packing on the poundage.

Went to a pancake breakfast

with her last month...

there was more batter spread that day

than on the inside

of a Boy Scout's sleeping bag.

What do you got back there?

A case of marshmallows?

That is good.

You put your secret ingredient in there.

Tell him what your secret ingredient is.

Love.

Love.

You're so beautiful.

Teddy, I'm trying to take a nap.

Get out of here.

Ted, I'm trying to sleep.

Get over here.

What are you doing here?

I've decided that I'm gonna document

this suicide thing of yours.

Jesus, would you keep it down?

And, no, absolutely not.

Why?

Look, I'm sorry

about your grandmother, okay?

I'm sorry I told you

what I told you, but no way.

Ted, think about it. When the end comes

and you have to write that note,

I mean, the note, explaining all this,

you won't have to

because I will have edited together

a snappy little 30-minute presentation

that will explain it all.

- Why are you doing this?

- To help. Also, this is kind of my field.

- You do documentaries?

- No, I work at Town Hall

and I record all of the town meetings,

so, yeah, kind of a documentarian,

record keeper.

- Greta, right?

- Yeah.

It was nice meeting you. Goodbye.

I'll tell.

I'll tell your brother

what you're gonna do.

I don't want to. I would much rather

document your impending death, but...

it's your call.

Yes!

So let's rehash.

So far you've screamed

at a 90-year-old lady

and called her a "cocksucking b*tch,"

and now you're going to fist-fight

someone you haven't seen in 22 years?

You've got to admit that's a pretty

f***ed-up bucket list.

You ever heard of

"getting your house in order"?

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm getting my house in order.

Yeah, but why do

you have to kill yourself?

Why not just right your wrongs

and then keep on going?

Because...

it's what we cowards do.

So you're just gonna walk up to this guy

and say, "Hey, remember me?

You used to pick me up by the nipples

during gym class 20 years ago."

- And then, wham?

- Pretty much.

Hey, Ted, get up.

I'm hungry. Let's go, get out of here.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't happen to have

any spare change, would you?

Buzz off, loser.

I have some change, Ted.

Don't give him any money, Vickie.

He's just gonna give it to Rawly Stansfield

'cause he's too big a p*ssy

to stand up to him.

Thanks. Thank you.

Sorry about that. Come on.

Gross, dude, it's f***ing wet.

Tomorrow I want dry money. All right?

Yeah.

- Hi, is Rawly Stansfield here?

- Yeah, he's right there.

Please don't be Rawly.

Please don't be Rawly.

- Please don't be Rawly.

- I'm Rawly.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Be with you in a second.

Okay, let's go.

No.

Ted, I know that your list is very important

to you, but unless you've decided

to add having someone feed you

your own legs, I suggest we go.

It's not a list. It's just a few things.

Besides, I'm armed.

It's my brother's blackjack.

It's filled with powdered lead, you just...

one blow to the side of the head,

he'll go down like a ton of fertilizer.

Ted, the man just walked out of here

with 200 pounds of hay on his shoulders

like it was a f***ing parasol. I suggest

you key his pick-up and call it even.

No.

Jesus, it's like "Jurassic Park"

when he walks.

- You looking for me?

- Yeah.

You don't remember me, do ya?

No.

I'm Ted. Ted Morgan.

- We went to school together.

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