Just Go With It Page #4

I'm just playing the part.

Okay.

Palmer! Hi.

Devlin Maccabee. Soon to be, single-abee.

Waiter! Excuse me. Anybody?

Yes, yes. Something to drink, madam?

Well, hello.

I would like a tall glass of you.

Is that possible? Meow!

I'm just kidding. Unless you're really into it.

Kidding again. No, I'm not.

We don't know. Grey Goose martinis,

just keep 'em coming. Okay. Ooh!

Make that a dirty martini. Okay?

Okay, that was a good one.

Well, so, Palmer.

I heard you and Danny had sex.

Yes. I am so sorry, I had...

Please, honey, it is fine.

I'm just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding

can still ring-a-ding.

'Cause he's got a serious small issue

with ED. Over here.

Okay.

What's ED? I don't...

Oh, gosh. I forgot. You're fifteen.

Erectile dysfunction, my darling.

Think about it as if

you're trying to throw darts and you just...

All you really got, you're shooting with,

like, overcooked spaghetti.

Okay. Yeah.

I just think that my spaghetti wasn't loving

the meatballs that was being served.

They were a little too lumpy. Oh.

I've heard from a lot of men that I serve

the finest meatballs in Southern California.

Of course. A lot of homeless men have said this.

They'll eat anything, you know.

I'm just very shocked that you remember

anybody you've ever been with.

With all the pills that are in your system.

She likes the pills, this one.

At night I come home, "What's for dinner?"

"Well, we have purple pills, and the green ones

"and some lovely yellow bombers

"I just took out of the oven."

Remember that?

I had to do something to amuse myself

while this one sat on the throne for hours

dealing with his irritable bowel syndrome.

I got another disease. Okay.

Can I tell you, I spent the eve of our wedding

sitting on the bed,

listening to what sounded like

an underwater symphony,

of French horns and bassoons

coming out of our hotel bathroom.

Mix that with the smell of like

a dead cat and some fajitas

and you've got what you call yourself

a severely diminished libido.

Ow!

Did you just kick me?

No. Did you? You kicked her?

Why'd you kick her?

Yeah, I don't... I... Yes. I... I have leg spasms.

Ow!

It's a side effect.

Terrible side effect from all the pill popping.

But, you know, it's all better now.

I'm clean and sober and I apologize.

It's okay.

Thirteenth step, right there. Back to drinking.

Oh, Henderson, you thoughtless oaf,

stop texting, open that door.

Why do you keep calling me

Henderson? Just go with it.

Palmer, so lovely to meet you.

Likewise, really.

I mean, look at you two.

I mean, it's like, Barbie and...

Yes.

...Grandpa Ken.

I mean... And even though it did not work out

between us at all...

It's like it never happened. You know?

It really isn't.

I still want my Danny to be happy. Oh, look at that.

Happy, happy, happy.

Good night, kiddo. Okay.

Hello.

It's her drug dealer I'm thinking.

Okay, please put her on the phone right now.

Are you kidding me, honey?

You know how I feel about

you selling your brother's stuff on eBay.

Hey, hey, hey. Take that in the car.

No. It's okay.

I will deal with you when I get

home, young lady. Okay.

I mean, you would think...

You have kids?

Hmm? Hmm?

You have... You have children?

We have sort of a little bit...

A little bit of children, right?

When were you planning on telling me

about these children, Danny?

I don't know, but listen,

I have to go get to those little munchkins.

Palmer, so nice, seriously.

Danny.

No, no, no, hey, hey.

Okay.

Are you freaked out right now about all this or...

Actually, just the opposite.

The opposite of freaked out?

What do you mean? Good?

You know that I love kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just never pegged you as a kids guy.

I'm a huge kids guy. I love kids.

Kids, kids, kids. Is...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my thing.

That's my bumper sticker.

What are their names?

What are their names again? There is

the girl who, of course, is Kiki Dee.

And then the boy's name's Bart.

Which of course is short for Barto.

Well, I wanna meet them!

Of course you do.

So our mom doesn't

know that you took us today?

Not yet.

You know this is kidnapping.

Stranger danger.

What? No.

Is the guy from Dateline NBC gonna walk in?

No! I know you two a long time and Rosa's here.

Doing whatever that Rosa does.

God, she's freaky. DANNY: Yeah.

So here's the deal.

How would you like to be my pretend children

for one afternoon?

Why don't you just tell that poor girl the truth?

You know?

Our mother tells us everything.

Wedding ring boy.

What? Oh, my goodness!

Did you see Gossip Girl last night? It was so good!

No, she's not like that.

Your mother's presenting her in a weird, weird way.

I'm just saying, telling the truth

is not in the cards right now.

I thought you'd be excited to have an acting job.

If it's an acting job, we should get paid.

Yeah, you're gonna get paid in experience.

I wanna actually get paid.

All right, what do you want?

$600 for the day,

plus overtime if we go over eight hours.

I'll do my own hair and makeup.

And I want you to pay for the six-week

intensive acting camp

that my mom can't afford.

$50 for the day and a two-week acting

class at the YMCA nearest you.

$500 and a four- week acting class.

$300 and a three-week class.

Done.

I would have done it for $500.

I would have done it for the experience.

Michael, you're up. Opener?

I want you to take me to Hawaii

so I can swim with the dolphins.

You're not gonna let that one go, are you?

We're not going to Hawaii, pal. Anything else?

Find someone else then.

Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael.

We're here to negotiate.

Do you have anything else you might like?

I want a flying pony.

I want a flying pony too, Michael, but they don't exist.

Then I want a regular pony. And

I want to name him Nelson.

How about a Playstation 3 and we name him Nelson?

Keep talking.

We'll include four video games.

Five games.

And I want the meeting with blondie

to be at J.D. McFunnigan's.

How 'bout Charlie Choo-Choo's

'cause it's right down the street from me.

Mention that slop-hole again and I walk.

All right, take it easy, son. Take it easy.

And I want unlimited tokens.

If I can spend 'em, I wanna have 'em.

I don't wanna be like playing Skee-Ball

and all of a sudden run out of tokens.

All right, I can make that happen.

So do we have a deal?

Deal.

Deal's off unless you eat that pizza, though. Seriously.

Can I do an accent?

Let me hear some. 'Ello!

No. Okay.

My kids? Have you completely lost your mind?

Are you kidding me right now?

You're the one who picked up your cell phone.

That is not...

Mrs. Harrington...

The doctor will see you now.

I can't believe you're doing all of

this just so you can get some.

It's just gross. You're just pathetic.

I'm not trying to get some. I already got some.

And yes, I'd like to continue getting some.

I'm pro me getting some.

Have a seat right there, Mrs. Harrington.

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