Kaalakaandi

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1

So,

it's not an ulcer.

And because it's not an ulcer

it's also not a perforated

ulcer, obviously.

Which is what it was,

we thought, for a little while.

Okay, so that's good.

So I can stop taking that,

what's it, the Meta..

Metaprophilexin.

Yes. Because that was

making me really nauseous.

And the Prozoxil

Steatetramalin and the

Fluoxinitrocitrazine.

Steatetramalin and the

Fluoxinitrocitrazine.

Stop it. All of it. Completely.

It's stomach cancer.

What?

- It's cancer.

Stomach cancer.

It has metastasized.

And when cancer metastasizes..

No,

I know what metastasize means.

My father..

How?

- How!

I've never smoked

a cigarette in my life.

I don't drink,

I've never done drugs.

I ate a brownie once..

With.. With marijuana in it,

but my friends tricked me.

I didn't know, I had no idea!

That couldn't have done it,

right?

That was a long time ago.

No, I don't think..

You're joking, right?

- No, I wish I was.

I don't even eat butter!

That horrible tasting stuff,

what is it?

No trans-fat,

no cholesterol..

No red meat,

fish, olive oil..

That's a very healthy diet.

And lots of vegetables..

Tomatoes. Broccoli.

I'm sorry, we still don't

completely understand cancer.

Maybe, there was a

genetic predisposition..

So if I smoke now,

will it make it worse?

So if I smoke now,

will it make it worse?

No, no, not really.

Drink?

- No.

All these years, I mean..

What was the point?

Whatever makes you happy, do it.

I'm going to jack off

till my dick falls off!

I'm joking.

All right.

Okay.. - I want to tell you,

I have to tell you..

It's the last stage.

You..

There's not much time left.

How much time?

One month, two months,

six months..

I'd advise you to put

your affairs in order

meet your lawyer..

I'm a good person, you know.

All my life.

All my f***ing life!

I'm sorry.

'The patient requires..'

You want to die or what?

'Look how I deal with them!

Look at my style!'

'Do you have any doubt?'

'Take a look at my gun!

My weapon of choice!'

'I will take you to task now!'

'Do you have any doubt?'

Omelette!

He burst the eggs!

Both the eggs! - No, that would've

killed him! - I see.

He had to undergo a complicated

surgery to save his life.

Not there.. Take this way.

Not there.. Take this way.

Then he started practicing

with his left hand.

He is so funny!

Omelette!

Don't ever call him that in public.

- Really?

He's got a really bad temper.

Who asked him to practice

with a loaded gun?

But he's a lucky guy.

- Yes! Really lucky.

One ball..

Just one ball..

Look where it got him.

He was a messenger,

just like you and me.

Here, right here. He used

to drive this f***ing car.

Here?

- Yes!

He used to drive this car.

Then he became a shooter.

And then, Mr. Raza's

personal bodyguard.

Unbelievable!

The party tonight is for him.

Birthday party? - No, to celebrate

25 years of working together.

Silver jubilee.

- Amazing!

This is what you

call a blessed luck.

Don't worry, man,

our time will come.

Listen to this.

About 21 million tonnes of

wheat annually perishes in India

About 21 million tonnes of

wheat annually perishes in India

due to inadequate storage,

distribution and corruption.

That's the entire production..

That's the entire production

of Australia!

You know, the problem with

our country isn't that

we don't have enough.

It's that we don't care enough.

You know, I really

think we should go.

It's her birthday.

It'll get too hectic.

You know, you're not

the first person in the

history of the universe

to catch a flight.

21 million tonnes!

Yes, so fix it! Stay!

Don't.. Don't run away!

I'm not running away.

You're gorgeous, you know that?

Why are you so gorgeous?

Newspaper!

Those bloody white boys

are going to be hounding you.

Like moths to a flame.

They're not interested

in studying anyway.

See? See, you're

not even denying it.

You know, you know they're

going to be after you.

That's why I'm going.

To hell with the PhD,

to hell with the scholarship.

Oh! Those white boys..

I'll teach Kamasutra

to the whole country.

Not theory, practicals.

I'm really fragile right now,

you know?

This is not helping..

Don't be silly.

And.. And what is this?

What does it do?

This is not..

This is not underwear!

This is dental floss!

It makes the boys

lose their minds.

That's it. That's it.

No more thongs or lingerie or..

- What are you doing?

Or crotchless teddies for you.

- What crotchless teddies?

Why.. Why can't we get engaged?

What, now?

Why didn't you want

to get engaged?

Because we don't have that kind of

time or money or energy right now.

I have time..

And energy.

Why can't your family

leave us alone tonight?

And you want to get engaged?

Get the door.

Hi, sir.

Hi, Ma'am.

How are you?

Hi, Ma'am.

Sorry. Thank you.

Rileen!

Over here!

Bless you.

Remember him?

No?

Mr. Munna!

Bless you.

You know, I've seen you as a baby.

Do you remember Gorakhpur?

No, sir.

- When you got stung by a bee?

You swelled up like a balloon.

No, sir.

His mother will remember.

- Yes.

That stock tip you

gave me.. Amazing!

Too good.

He's a bank president now.

Vice-president.

Yes, same thing.

Why don't you give

me some stock tips too?

I'll also become a millionaire!

Right, Ashok?

What happened?

Got stuck.

Go and freshen up.

Go and freshen up.

Then we'll have

a drink together.

Yes?

- Swelled up like this!

Angad, how's the fit?

Just a minute, Mom!

Hello?

Hello..

Yes? - Angad?

Yes?

- It's me.

Hey..

Who?

- You didn't recognize me?

I can't believe it.

No, I'm sorry, but..

Just..

Just keep talking, I will.

What should I say?

You know, anything.

Should I read something?

Let me read something.

Sure.

Turn your love life

upside down.

What?

- I'm reading.

What?

- I'm reading.

Oh, right. Yes. Sorry.

'Take your regular

everyday positions..'

'Flip them around and your

man will be hitting..'

'Spots that'll make you

scream with pleasure.'

'A change in angle and the penis

rubs against'

'the front vaginal wall,

hitting the g-spot'

'giving you

new and exciting sensations.'

Angad! What are you doing?

Open the door!

I need to get some stuff.

I have so much to do!

Angad!

What are you doing?

You still haven't tried it?

Who is it?

- No one, Mom.

Why didn't you cut your hair?

'Should I keep reading?'

No.

- 'No?'

No f***ing way.

'You said it was okay to read..'

Selina! No f***ing way! Selina?

'I'm disappointed.

I thought you'd have me at hello.'

Where are you?

- Bombay.

Bombay? This Bombay?

When did you get here?

'Just got off a plane.'

'Just got off a plane.'

'What's going on with you?'

Nothing.

Same old.

'Busy?'

No.. no, not for you.

'Liar.'

'I flew halfway across the world.'

'What have you done for me lately?'

"Licking hopes"

"off a silver spoon."

"Come"

"and turn it into gold.

- Come on now."

"How long are you going

to avoid your fate? - Come on now."

"How long are you going to

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