Kate and Leopold Page #10

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Charlie and Leopold continue through the park, Leopold lost

in thought. Charlie watches him in surprise. They walk on.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Leopold talks animatedly. On the table -- Pumpkin pies, pizza

pies, and pot pies.

LEOPOLD:

I understand pumpkin pies, pizza

pies, and pot pies. But I wish someone

would explain Eskimo pies.

He eats a large spoonful of pudding. Kate and Charlie exchange

a worried look.

LEOPOLD:

You smoke Camel's, you wear Old

Spices, and you drink Mountains Dew.

It's revolting.

(to Kate)

The pudding tonight is excellent.

Another thing I've noticed, everyone

is in a great rush today. Instant

Oatmeal, Instant Coffee, Speed Stick,

Minute Maid. You'll find there's

much to be said for moderation and

languor.

He eats another spoonful.

LEOPOLD:

Mmmm. Is it tapioca?

KATE:

It's margarine.

LEOPOLD:

(taking the spoon out

of his mouth)

It's marvelous.

CHARLIE:

Well, I'm off.

KATE:

Me too. Work to do. Where are you

going?

CHARLIE:

I'm meeting everyone over at Caffeine.

It's this coffee house we go to.

KATE:

Say hello to Dennis for me.

LEOPOLD:

Who is that?

CHARLIE:

Dennis is this really good looking

friend of mine who doesn't know Kate's

alive because SHE doesn't know how

to flirt.

KATE:

As a rule I don't like to associate

with really good looking people. It

makes me feel really... I don't

know... Smart. But Dennis is a nice

guy.

CHARLIE:

And he always picks up the check.

LEOPOLD:

Sounds enjoyable. I shall join you.

CHARLIE:

What?

KATE:

That's a wonderful idea! Leopold

mentioned how he wanted to meet...

People of quality was it?

CHARLIE:

Ahhhhh?

LEOPOLD:

If you'd rather I didn't go...

KATE:

Nonsense! Charlie, you don't want to

hurt Leopold's feelings. He's going

to think you don't want him to go.

CHARLIE:

Oh it's not that. It's just that

it's sort of a vulgar crowd, is all.

I'm not sure you'd have such a good

time.

LEOPOLD:

A little ribald humor? I'm not as

big a stick in the mud as you might

think! I'd enjoy a gay night out,

kicking up my heels.

There is an awkward pause. Leopold is so enthusiastic and

sincere that despite a feeling of disaster Charlie relents.

CHARLIE:

Finish off your Parquet and we'll

go.

Charlie gives Kate a look of death as we:

CUT TO:

EXT. CAFFEINE - NIGHT

Charlie and Leopold approach Caffeine, a trendy coffee house.

Charlie looks in the window.

CHARLIE:

There they all are. Now one more

thing. Throw the words "like" and

"you know" into a sentence whenever

possible. It's how people talk today.

LEOPOLD:

Proper speech does not cease to exist

simply because it is ignored.

CHARLIE:

Please?

LEOPOLD:

Charles, you needn't fret. I have

the walk down pat. I will not give

myself away. Like.

CHARLIE:

(looking in the window)

Oh sh*t!

(correcting himself)

Shoot.

LEOPOLD:

What is it?

CHARLIE:

Patrice. See that girl? The blonde

one? She's so inconceivably hot.

INT. CAFFEINE - NIGHT

Patrice, a tall blonde sits at a large round table, talking.

She is very beautiful.

EXT. CAFFEINE - NIGHT

LEOPOLD:

She's very pretty.

CHARLIE:

She's mine.

LEOPOLD:

Congratulations.

CHARLIE:

Ok not exactly mine. But I saw her

first.

LEOPOLD:

I understand.

CHARLIE:

Okay. I guess we should go in. I

don't suppose we could tell everyone

you don't speak English?

LEOPOLD:

Of course not. Let's go inside.

Leopold walks his casual walk inside, followed by a very

reluctant Charlie.

INT. CAFFEINE - NIGHT

Charlie's friends are sitting at a table talking. They are a

relaxed and friendly group. Charlie and Leopold approach.

ALL:

(ad lib greetings)

Charlie! Where've you been? etc.

CHARLIE:

Hi. Uh everyone, this is my friend,

Leo.

BILL:

Hey.

LEOPOLD:

Hey.

DENNIS:

Waz up?

LEOPOLD:

Waz up?

PATRICE:

How are ya?

LEOPOLD:

How are ya?

CHARLIE:

(after a beat)

Leo's staying with us for a while.

Charlie pulls out a chair for Leopold but Leopold sits next

to Patrice instead. Patrice takes out her cigarettes.

LEOPOLD:

May I?

PATRICE:

Help yourself.

Leopold takes a cigarette, lights one for Patrice, then his

own.

LEOPOLD:

Thank you, my dear.

CHARLIE:

(at a loss)

Um?...

(all look at Charlie)

...I have nothing to say.

LEOPOLD:

You did not tell the truth about

Patrice, Charles.

DENNIS AND BILL:

CHARLES??

CHARLIE:

What did I tell you, LEO?

LEOPOLD:

He informed me you were inconceivably

HOT, but I think you're lovely.

Exceptionally lovely.

PATRICE:

Thank you, Leo.

CHARLIE:

(to the waitress)

Check please.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT

The subway car is inhabited solely by Leopold, Charlie, and

the oldest Ukrainian woman in New York City. Despite the

fact that the train is empty, they are all seated on the

same bench.

Charlie stares straight ahead refusing to even look at

Leopold. The Ukrainian woman hangs on every word.

CHARLIE:

Just drop it Leopold.

LEOPOLD:

But Charles, it is so ridiculous. I

am not interested in her.

CHARLIE:

Hah!

LEOPOLD:

In any case the problem is not with

me but with you.

(quietly)

You have no idea what it takes to go

about courting a woman. From what

I've witnessed tonight, it is

symptomatic of your entire generation.

CHARLIE:

(almost speechless)

You are some piece of work, Leopold.

LEOPOLD:

Now I do not wish to get personal...

Charlie bursts into ironic laughter and looks at the old

woman. She rolls her eyes.

LEOPOLD:

But you have been of great assistance

to me and I feel this is one area

where I can be of some real help.

CHARLIE:

I'm fascinated. Go on.

LEOPOLD:

Now, why was I successful with this

young lady and why did you so

miserably fail?

CHARLIE:

What makes you think she likes you?

LEOPOLD:

Well she gave me the number of her

telephone and I assumed it meant...

CHARLIE:

Go on.

LEOPOLD:

As I see it, the girl hasn't an

inkling of your intentions. And it's

no wonder. You, Charles, are a Merry

Andrew.

CHARLIE:

A what?

LEOPOLD:

A Merry Andrew.

CHARLIE:

I am not!!

LEOPOLD:

Everything plays like a farce to

you. The more wit, the less courage.

I believe the modern woman desires

passion, protection, sensitivity. No

woman wants to be romanced by a

buffoon.

(the old woman shakes

her head)

Banter and repartee are fine but you

must add to that a different sort of

playfulness.

CHARLIE:

You think I should pounce?

LEOPOLD:

I'm saying you must treat her with

respect. Any oaf can attempt a crude

pass. A woman of Kate's stature would

never respond to an artificial tactic.

CHARLIE:

Kate?

LEOPOLD:

What?

CHARLIE:

You said Kate.

LEOPOLD:

I did not.

CHARLIE:

Yes you did. Didn't he say Kate?

The old woman nods.

LEOPOLD:

We are discussing your problem.

CHARLIE:

Not anymore. You like my sister.

LEOPOLD:

Charles...

CHARLIE:

She has trouble with men, you know.

LEOPOLD:

Perhaps she has not met the right

one.

CHARLIE:

She has met the right one. HUNDREDS

of times. But she pulls back. She

cuts herself off. You turn around

and suddenly you're dating a Sphinx.

LEOPOLD:

One never can tell.

CHARLIE:

Does Kate know how you feel?

LEOPOLD:

No...

CHARLIE:

Have you made your intentions known

to her?

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