Keanu Page #2

because that would require

a driver's license,

- which you, as a grown man, do not have.

- Fair enough.

So, there will be

no rolling up with AK's or anything else.

But I don't have a driver's license

'cause I'm from New York City.

NYC, baby.

Where, yeah, the dudes

that kicked my ass...

- Yes?

- ...were bigger than the dudes

that kicked your ass, motherf***er.

I'm from Detroit.

Detroit public school system.

Impossible. Guaranteed

the guys who kicked my ass

were twice as big and scary as

the guys who kicked your ass.

- No way.

- Guaranteed.

- Fine. So...

- Guaranteed.

You have to get the last one.

Do it. I don't care.

I'm not getting into a...

No way.

What makes you think

I can't handle my business?

I've got it all on lock.

I'm good to go, drawg.

I'm good to go, dude.

George Michael is holding it down.

- See, you just grooved on it.

- I'm not saying...

You just went...

I'm not saying it's not a good song.

I'm saying we should be listening to this.

What are you doing? You all right?

What is that?

Yeah. Roll on, po-po.

I'm sorry, no.

You don't get to say,

"Roll on, po-po" like that

after you just smiled

and waved to the police.

He ain't want none, did he?

Rell, what does that mean?

Oh, snap. Is it raining?

Well, it's LA. It'll stop in a minute.

So, what? You're so hardcore,

you're just, like,

afraid of a little rain?

Why is your door open?

Keanu.

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Keanu!

Rell.

Rell!

I'm sorry.

No.

No!

I am so sorry, buddy.

No!

Listen, the cops are here now.

And they're gonna take care of it. Right.

They're professional.

They take this kind of stuff seriously.

Crimson Tide. Good one.

These are good. You take these?

- They're just pictures.

- Keep them.

Do you think there's any chance

you might find the guys who did this?

Hell no.

In most burglaries,

the guys are never caught.

Oh, um...

You know, there might be a chance.

I wish that I could be more help.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have

to take that blanket back.

Oh.

This sucks.

Are you sure he was stolen?

These guys don't usually take pets.

Usually they're after drugs

or something they can sell for drugs.

We'll keep an eye out for the cat.

Thank you very much.

Take care of each other.

See, now that's promising.

Maybe Keanu will come back,

or maybe he'll...

Rell?

Where are you going?

Hulka's house.

Who is Hulka?

My weed dealer.

What?

You live across the way

from your weed dealer?

Oh, sup, sup, bro?

Hey, Hulka. This is my cousin, Clarence.

- Hello.

- Sup?

All right, in or out.

Can't leave the door open,

you know what I'm sayin'?

And don't f*** up all this sh*t.

I'm building a motorcycle.

So, the reason I'm here...

- Okay, look...

- No.

This is the perfect

sativa-dominant hybrid strain.

It's called Spoonie Gee.

Great. This is all great.

I'm not here for any of that.

I'm here because my place got broken into.

Oh, sh*t, you serious?

Oh, man, that suck a thick donkey ball.

What'd they get?

They got Keanu.

- Oh, sh*t. The little guy?

- Yeah.

Oh, f***, man. I'm sorry, bro.

Okay. So...

Thank you.

I got an anti-sadness strain in here.

- It's called Walking on Sunshine.

- No, no. I don't care.

No, I'm not here for weed, man.

I'm here just to ask you

some questions. Like,

has anyone shady come by here

in the last couple of days?

Well, I mean... Well, um...

You know, I run

a professional business here.

I never had a dissatisfied customer.

I don't know,

it's a real f***ing quandary.

Maybe it's someone that

you're selling all of this marijuana to.

Yeah. Or maybe it was somebody who thought

they were breaking into your house?

Oh, yeah. Look, bro.

I be real with you, okay?

I'm so f***ing high right now.

I'm not even sure you're real.

I'm just like, where am I?

Where did all these eels come from?

Oh, sh*t!

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Hulka!

Who the f*** would want to

break into your house?

The Blips.

Man, the Blips.

The Blips?

These are the guys that were kicked out

of the Bloods and the Crips.

The Blips.

Blood-Crips, Blips.

I've started getting into

selling some heavier sh*t,

and when you're selling the heavier sh*t,

turf becomes a thing. You know?

And so, yeah. I mean,

the 17th Street Blips,

they did tell me, you know,

they gonna break in and "f*** my sh*t up."

But... I mean, that's not,

like, concrete proof.

The 17th Street Blips.

Okay, where are they?

17th Street.

Be specific!

Dude, look! I get you lost your kitty-cat,

but y'all some dumb fucks if

you think I'm gonna be a rat.

I ain't some punk-ass b*tch

who's gonna be intimidated by y'all nerds!

- You...

- Nerds...

Yeah, that's right! You a f***in' nerd!

- What you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

Oh, sh*t! You f***ing crazy?

No, not my De La!

Yeah, I got your De La now, b*tch.

Hulka? Is everything okay?

Mom, not now!

Bro, no.

Oh, you f***!

What's this?

No, no, no! Not Grandmaster.

Not Grandmaster, please!

Tell me!

Okay, okay! Dude's at a strip club

called Hot Party Vixens.

Okay? But this dude, their leader,

his name is Cheddar,

and he is a bad motherf***er.

You don't wanna mess with him.

Dude, you lost your cat.

You lost your cat.

Come on, Rell.

We'll figure something out in the morning.

It's not over.

All right, this is the place.

Hot Party Vixens.

HPV.

That's unfortunate.

Check it. We're going to approach the bar.

Then we are going to

explain the situation.

- No, no, no.

- Yeah.

See, you're talking about

explaining the situation.

Hulka said this is a crazy

drug dealer named Cheddar.

So?

What's so scary about "Cheddar"?

Cheddar is a psychopath name.

You only name yourself

something adorable if you can back it up.

- I don't think that's a thing.

- That's a thing.

If you meet a guy named

Fluffy Pink Bunny Head,

he will stab you in the eye.

I'm sure that this Cheddar guy

is gonna be reasonable about money.

And, if need be,

we will just buy Keanu back.

No, no. Not like that. Come on, just...

What, this?

- Yeah, pop the collar.

- Uh...

- Okay?

- Yeah.

It's what the kids are doing.

Not really.

But okay.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

Wow!

God gave you one face.

Why would you change it?

Nope, Clarence.

I just don't understand that at all.

- No, no, no.

- No, what?

No, this was a bad idea.

Isn't your cat here?

We need to get the cat.

- Hey, baby.

- Hello, how do you do?

Oh, dear. Okay.

I'm, uh...

I'm flattered. Thank you.

But I am married.

No.

- Thank you.

- Oh...

You just took my wedding ring.

No, no, no. We're here,

we're here, you're good.

One beer, please.

I'll take a white wine...

Sir, that young lady just took

my wedding ring,

- so I'm wondering...

- It's all right.

- No, no. Clarence, Clarence, Clarence!

- Yeah.

You can't talk like that here.

- Okay?

- I can't talk like what?

You sound like Richard Pryor

doing an impression of a white guy.

I do not sound like Richard Pryor

doing an impression of a white guy.

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