Keep the Change Page #6

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Just order anything

that sounds pretty.

Under "antipasti,"

there's asparagi di campo,

asparagi olive oil,

foggi montinada.

David, that's so confusing

that I have no idea

what that means.

That's how Italian works,

you know?

Good evening. Hi. My name is Kevin.

I'll be taking care of you.

- Hey, Kevin.

- Good evening, Kevin.

- What's up, Kevin?

- Something for the lovely lady and gentleman?

Well, I just want you to know

I'm expecting two more people.

Oh, great. Well, we do have

some specials tonight.

Mozzarella con funghi.

Scaloppine tutta terra.

- Mmm.

- Farfalle con pollo.

Carciofi. Marsala.

Salmone. That's with

the little white wine sauce.

It sounds so beautiful

and romantic.

See, it sounds like music, Sarah.

It sounds great.

Here, why don't you order whatever you

want, okay? Excuse me for a minute.

Okeydokey artichokey.

Oh, my goodness.

I mean, we're holding

the table for you,

but you wanna meet for drinks

after or something?

[Matt] Ah, sorry, bud. This

cast party's not letting out.

But it'll be just you and me next time.

I promise.

Yeah, yeah. And Sarah.

You gotta meet this girl.

She's beautiful, classy,

and goes crazy about me, Matt.

All right, buddy.

I can't wait to meet her.

Yeah, we'll do a double date.

Wow. This is a lot of food.

I'm glad you're getting comfortable here.

How do you like it?

- This is to die from.

- Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

[slurping]

- Mmm. [laughs]

- Mmm.

- [slurping continues] Mmm.

- [laughs]

And here we are.

- [David] Wow.

- [waiter] Would you like anything else?

[David] Um, no. I'll just

have the check. Here.

Great.

I've never seen you

so happy before.

Aren't you glad

you came here?

This is a $900 bill.

What were you doing there,

traveling Europe?

I met a girl.

David, come on. One of the Internet

women, your imaginary girlfriends?

No, this girl's real.

[Mother] Sure she is.

She wants to marry me.

What?

David, that is not funny.

[Mother]

Where is she from?

From that group?

This is a gold digger.

From now on,

you go to your classes,

you come home.

Look, I'll pay you back.

You couldn't pay me back

for a Life Saver.

It's not the money.

It's where will you be

when we're gone.

Who's gonna take care of you

when Dad and I are gone?

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

[door closes]

[woman] Sarah.

Hi, Grandma.

Hi. Who's this?

This is my boyfriend,

David Cohen.

- Hi, David.

- How are ya?

Would you like

a tequila?

Uh, no, thanks.

I'm not thirsty.

- But thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

Okay.

- Excuse me. I'm going in.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah,

it's all right.

- [door closes]

- She's my grandma.

Oh.

She's an alcoholic.

Oh.

There's me

at my bar mitzvah.

Oh.

Yeah. I was

a cute kid back then.

That's my prom date.

I didn't even get

to kiss her.

That's too bad.

Well, that's high school.

[Father]

Say hi to the camera, David.

So what do you think, huh?

Isn't it great?

I mean, that's my whole

autobiography, you know.

O-Overall, I really,

really loved it. Um...

It's a powerful film.

You have to admit, it is very

creative, don't you think?

Yeah, it's really...

To be very honest with you, I mean,

it's very powerful and very creative.

I really loved it very, very

much overall, except for...

That's right.

It's a work of art.

Yeah, that's what I really loved

about it, for everything,

except for the ending, which

was really, really confusing.

But that's the point.

Nobody says when I grow up,

I choose to be that, you know?

And sometimes changes

happen for the worst,

and people just have a sad ending

after that, and that's realistic.

Yuh! Like that.

- You know those tics and all that?

- Yeah, I...

- Those noises that I make?

- I'm perfectly aware of that.

But, David, let me give you

also positive critiques.

What I did really, really love...

your childhood memories.

- Your bar mitzvah and your graduation.

- I know.

They were so rewarding

and so special.

- You know my cousin, Matt Cone?

- Yeah.

You know how Sammy always says, "Oh,

Matt Cone this, Matt Cone that.

I want Matt Cone."

You know why?

He's a very, very

important person.

He's an actor

and all that.

- A real big-time celebrity.

- Mm-hmm.

- He's going to, like, put this in a film festival.

- Mm-hmm.

Palm Beach International

Film Festival.

He's gonna open

the door for me,

and I'm gonna catch

my big break in Hollywood.

- You know?

- Cool.

Sarah,

can I ask you something?

Yes, David. Sure.

I mean, I know

that I seem like a big shot

driving around town

with my limo driver

and treating you to all

these nice fancy restaurants.

It never occurred to you,

"Oh, this kid's just

a total bum with no future.

He's just a complete bum."

You don't think

I'm a bum, do you?

Absolutely not, David.

I think you're really,

really bright,

very smart,

really, really a glorious,

hunky, sensational

and just so sexy

and attractive-looking

to a point that it's

really getting me

in a very horny and

sexually-arousing mood right now.

Wow. Oh, my God.

You have your hand on my leg.

That feels

so sexually arousing.

Oh, God.

[woman] Hi!

Hi.

[chanting]

Go, Josh! Go, Josh!

Go, Josh! Go, Josh!

Go, Sarah!

Go, Sarah! Go, Sarah!

Go, Henry! Go, Henry!

Go, Henry!

Go, Henry!

Go, Sammy!

Oh, yeah, baby!

It's so easy.

It's a piece of cake.

I'll teach you, David.

I don't like to dance.

But I'll teach you. It's a piece of cake.

Come to the dance floor.

I'll show you

how to dance.

What about your moves, David?

Show me your moves.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Go, David!

[no audible dialogue]

[Sammy] I would like to make

a toast to Sarah and David.

As somebody

who has dated many men,

I never thought you would find

love like you did with David.

You two are really going

to make it as a couple!

I know it.

So here is to you.

To Sarah and David!

[all] To Sarah and David!

To Sarah and David.

[man] It's getting a little

sappy for my taste here.

When we say "I love you,"

we're really trying to say

to the other person,

"I like you enough

not to wanna rip

your face off

and feed it to a dog,

feed it to a mongrel."

That would be

a bummer.

[Sammy] I don't believe that

for a minute.

I think you two

will get married

and Matt and I

will get married,

and the four of us

are going to be family together

and friends together.

How can you have friends

if the person next to you is the

one who's gonna sell you out

to save his own ass,

you know.

It would be boring.

Imagine if you didn't have

someone to nuke.

Come on, man.

Do you watch

a lot of Fox News?

I'm a Fox News junkie.

I like it the way Homer Simpson

likes Duff at Moe's Tavern.

Do you know what Homer Simpson

said to the drug dealer?

- No. What?

- What?

"D'ohpe!"

- [all laughing]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- D'ohpe!

You know,

I'm with Nancy Reagan there.

[all] Ooh!

[Sammy]

Can you pass the potato?

And the macaroni?

- Any more chicken cutlets?

- [woman] Here you go.

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