Keep the Change Page #7

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On your way, you're Russian.

When you get in, European.

When you come out,

- you're Finnish.

- [laughing]

What does a soda machine

have in common

with Monica Lewinsky?

Both say "insert bill here."

[woman] Oh, let Sarah.

- No.

- [man] Come on, Sarah.

- I don't know any jokes.

- [Sammy] The jokes are gluten-free.

- I don't know any jokes.

- Don't pressure her. Come on, come on, guys.

- I don't know any jokes.

- It's okay. It's okay.

[David]

I got one. I got one.

This one got me

into a bit of trouble.

Why did the Jewish guy divorce

his wife when she became a cop?

- [Sammy] Why?

- 'Cause Jews cannot eat pork.

[Dorsey] So we've got our showcase

Night to Shine coming up really soon.

And I also have registration

for the fall semester.

If anyone wants

to sign up for the fall,

be sure to register

and write your name down

because this registration

goes really quickly.

There's a clipboard going

around this side of the room,

but I'm gonna start

another one over here.

Just put your name down, and I

hope to see you in the fall

so we can have

more fun together.

[applause]

[all chattering]

I just don't understand

why you're leaving.

Why aren't you

coming back, David?

I don't know. I just can't.

Can I ask you

something, Sarah?

Do you wanna live

with your grandmother forever?

I mean, you do wanna grow, right?

You're a grown woman.

Yeah.

Don't you wanna have all the

things that normal people have?

I wanna marry you.

I don't see myself being

with anyone else but you, Sarah.

If I had to go to Florida,

would you come with me?

To Florida?

No, no, no, no.

She can't come to Florida.

I don't even know this girl, and you

want her to live with us for six months?

What if she just comes

for the ride

and she can stay at Aunt

Evelyn's and Uncle Harry's?

In Boca.

She's not some girl from

some crazy house though.

She really has it together

and she's beautiful,

and she's Jewish too, Mom.

You'd love her so much, you'd probably want

her to be your daughter-in-law one day.

Maybe...

Maybe someday we'll meet her,

but-but we don't

bring people to Florida,

especially people

that we don't know.

- Okay? That dad and I haven't met, so...

- [chopping]

Okay. Well, what if I told you she's

upstairs right now in my bedroom?

I invited her

for the weekend.

Hmm.

Look, this has

no gluten in it.

It's very good.

It's very healthy.

Wow. it looks really delicious

and yummy in the tummy.

Potatoes. Beets.

Here, try this. Try it.

- Tell me what you think of this.

- Mmm.

Oh, I love it.

It's absolutely delicious.

Groovalicious and really

yummy in the tummy.

So, Sarah,

how did you two meet?

Oh, well, Carrie,

that's a great question.

Um, David and I...

us two met

uh, a place called

the Jewish Community Center.

- And I found the perfect one, right here.

- Mm-hmm.

It was a dream come true. It

was very romantic and sexual.

It was what?

I mean, Mom, Dad, you see

how happy I am, you know?

Sarah is the most amazing thing

that ever happened to me.

She's the one for me.

How long did it take to realize

that this was the one?

We met over a month ago,

but officially,

- we've been going out for roughly two weeks.

- Mm-hmm.

We've been dating.

- Two weeks?

- Yes.

Mm-hmm.

- [David] Mm-hmm. That's 14 days.

- Yeah.

[David]

Half a month.

If you have any questions,

you know what to do, okay?

Don't worry about

trying to understand.

Just follow the leader.

That's right.

Follow the leader. Okay?

Just pretend you're interested

in what they have to say.

If they laugh, you laugh.

If they look serious,

you look serious. Okay?

In other words, I will try

my best to lighten my load,

take a chill pill

and have a wonderful time.

Yeah, we just need to

chill out tonight, okay?

In other words,

get the lay of the land,

cool ourselves off

and have a wonderful time.

You don't even have to say that. Just

say, "Yeah, okay, cool. That's great."

Okay, cool, take a chill pill,

lighten our loads, take it easy...

You know that saying,

"less is more"?

- I remember perfectly, David.

- Yes.

Uncle Jimmy. How are you?

This is my girlfriend, Sarah.

- Girlfriend?

- Yeah.

Holy moly.

Let me get a look.

- [shutter clicks]

- Perfect.

What did the duck

say to the bartender?

- Come on.

- Here we go again.

It's okay.

Um, what?

Put it on my bill. Ha!

Multiple meanings!

Hi. Oh, how lovely

to meet you.

I'm Sarah Silverstein,

David Cohen's girlfriend.

And I love being a performing artist,

singing, acting and working with...

Let me ask you this,

Aunt Jessica.

Or what about you?

Um, what's your name?

What are your passions and careers

that you guys like to do for fun?

Well, we, uh...

we love artwork.

We like to go

to art shows,

and we like to travel.

What kind of art shows

do you guys like?

We go to a lot

of craft shows.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah.

It's a really

great pleasure to meet you.

What a blessing.

I really love

your outfit too.

I love the color pink.

It's my second favorite color.

Thank you.

You're very interesting.

Thank you. It was

a pleasure meeting you too.

- I mean, boy, you really love those garnishes.

- Yeah.

Down the hatch-a-roonie

it goes.

Yep.

[Sarah] Mmm. I tasted it.

It was so yummy in the tummy.

Didn't you have enough

to eat, sweetheart?

Um...

- Right?

- I'm fine.

Everybody's okay.

[Sarah]

I'm perfectly fine.

[all chatting, indistinct]

[woman]

We really had a great time.

Did he ever tell you

any of his jokes?

Oh, many, many times

in the past.

They're a bit

very confusing.

It took me a lot of time to

process and understand them.

- Two Jews walk into a bar.

- Right.

They buy it.

[laughing]

You know

why he cracks me up?

I don't know.

[no audible dialogue]

[chattering]

I love your song.

It was wonderful.

- What?

- I love your song.

- What's the name of that song? "The Sun..."

- The sun goes

- Thank you.

- We have to clear out the boathouse for Matt.

- Oh.

- [David] Matt's here?

[Carrie]

In the boathouse.

My cousin Matt.

Remember Matt Cone?

- Ladies first.

- Thank you.

- Just walk on the pebbles.

- Okay.

On the pebbles.

On the pebbles.

No, on the pebbles.

Yeah. Step down.

It's okay. It's okay.

I got you. I got you.

Oh. Sand.

I'm on the sand.

You're on the rocks.

See?

We're on our way

to the party.

See? You're not

getting muddy at all.

- [coughs]

- Ooh.

You don't have to step

on that rock, but...

Yeah, here we are.

[man] We live our lives. We're busy.

And all this stuff going on...

[woman] Yeah,

but then that kind of implies

that you're not

present enough with each other

on a day-to-day basis

to know that...

Yo, Matt. What's up, Matt?

Whoa. David. Holy... Dude, I

can't believe you're here.

What's going on?

Yo, it's my girlfriend,

Sarah.

- Your girlfriend?

- Yeah, my girlfriend.

Yeah?

Is he paying you?

- Shut up, Matt.

- Oh, I'm just kidding.

You're just pulling

my chain, Matt.

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