Keep the Change Page #8

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Yes, I am, Sarah. I'm sorry. I

have a messed-up sense of humor.

- It's cool, man. It's cool. Yo.

- Yeah, come on in.

- Celebrate with us. Let's make this a bigger holiday.

- [woman] Yeah.

- Yeah, so you remember Karen, of course.

- Hey, Karen. How are you?

- And Julia.

- [Julia] Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- [David] What's up, Luke?

- What's up, David?

- What's up, man?

- [Luke] Hey, good to see you, brother.

- [Matt] And this is...

- Sarah.

Hi, Sarah.

Sit down, you guys,

please.

[Karen] Thank you guys so much

for hosting us.

- [Matt] Thank you for having us.

- [Karen] Thank you.

So this is David's place

that we are crashing at.

[Luke] David, this is amazing.

Thanks for having us.

Thank you. It's an honor

having you guys here.

Yeah, it's an amazing honor for

us to be here with you too.

I mean, the star

of Malibu Mohawks.

- [laughter]

- A movie star.

- [Matt] No, no, no.

- [Karen] He loves it. He loves it.

[Matt] Mm, not talking

about that right now.

Why don't you

tell him our other news?

- Oh, my God.

- I popped the question.

- [Sarah] Wow.

- Wow. You're getting married?

You said yes?

Yeah, I said yes.

I'm wearing the ring.

[David]

Of course.

Congratulations.

Mazel tov.

- [Matt] Thank you.

- So are we!

- You guys too?

- We've been discussing it lately,

like in theory

and all that, you know?

You don't waste

any time, huh, man?

- [Karen] Are you nervous?

- It's been the best two weeks of my life.

Yeah, David was especially

really, really nervous.

No, I'm not.

About the... Yes. It's about the

penis going inside the vagina.

[Matt] Whoa.

- Oh.

- No, no, no, no.

But I did teach him

how to have sexual intercourse

in a very constructive way

for the very first time

- at my bedroom in my apartment.

- [Julia] Use a condom.

[Sarah] Oh!

[laughs]

I love condoms.

I live in a condom.

[David laughs]

She's just very sheltered.

She thought you're

talking about condos.

[Luke] What?

Not only am I very innocent

and really beautiful princess,

but I'm a lyric soprano singer

with perfect pitch.

Let me call you

Sweetheart

I'm in love with you

Let me hear you whisper

Okay.

That you love me too

That's wonderful, isn't it?

That's great, okay?

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- She's got a nice voice.

Please stop.

Please stop. Please stop.

Let me call you

Sweetheart

I'm in love with you

- Please stop.

- I'm in love with you

Stop it. Zip it.

Please, please.

I'm sorry. Just... Please.

I'm sorry. You're right in my ear

and-and piercing my ears, okay?

Okay, please? Please.

I mean, Matt was

applauding it.

I know. I know.

But you don't understand.

People are clapping because

they're trying to be polite.

- They don't like your music.

- I was just...

- You're embarrassing me.

- I was just...

In front of some

very important people.

You're even

embarrassing yourself.

Just trust me. Okay?

So, how about this?

A guy walks

into a sex shop, right?

[voice fading] And he says,

"I want a blow-up doll."

"A male doll

or female doll?"

"A male doll."

"A black doll or white doll?"

Oh.

[chattering]

What's wrong?

Where's Sarah?

Well, she begged me

to take her home.

Geraldo's driving her back.

What happened?

Nothing.

Okay.

[line ringing]

[automated female voice]

The mailbox is full

and cannot accept

any messages at this time.

Good-bye.

David, give me some

of the lox, please.

David.

David.

Will you pass Dad the lox?

We've asked you three times.

Thanks, honey.

You okay?

He's a little upset

about that girl.

[Matt] Oh, your bride.

Are you joking?

Never mind.

It's a private joke.

Oh, it would have been a lot,

sweetheart, with all you go through,

to take care of someone

with problems like that.

What was her issue anyway?

She had an LD.

An LD. What's that?

Learning disability.

Oh, I'd say more than that.

Was she brain damaged?

I mean, you'd ask her a simple

question and she'd talk your head off.

It was a non-verbal

learning disability.

She also ate a dozen radish

roses off my fish platter.

- [chuckles]

- A dozen radishes. I'm not kidding.

I thought she was sweet.

She was weird.

David, better you

should find someone

who maybe is more advanced

at things than you are.

Like Melinda,

that girl you used to date?

Angie.

Whatever happened to Angie?

The girls from the Internet.

Well, we go

to Florida next week.

Maybe that'll cheer him up.

I liked her

because she was weird, Mom.

I'm weird too.

What do you think about this

for Annie and this for Zach?

Sammy, is Sarah backstage? I

really need to speak to her, okay?

Backstage is for actors

who wanna be in my play,

not for actors who called it "a load

of bullshit," like you called it.

I wanna be an actor

in your play, okay?

I'll even go butt naked

if you want.

I'll even do a gay sex scene with you.

Just let me see Sarah.

After what you did to her, she decided

she wants nothing to do with you.

So please go away, you a**hole.

[guitar intro]

Who knows where we will

Or where we will be

Whether it be on a horse

Or in a history course

The other day my dad said he wanted

some wine, so I gave him some.

[whiny]

"Dad, do I have to?"

I get very angry when innocent

people get hurt by bullies.

And it is my job

to protect them.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-

whoo-whoo-whoo!

Try to find

what's going on in their mind

when you see somebody

who's in need.

For those of you

who don't know me,

my name is Jared Klimber, and I'm

from the South Shore of Long Island.

I would like to take a moment.

Just because I grew up

on an educated...

What do you do

with the mad that you feel

when you feel so mad

you could bite?

What do you say when you see a fawn?

"Oh, dear."

[singing continues]

[applause]

Hi. I'm Sarah.

Um, I really

wanna take this time

to show the entire world

my musical theater beauty glow.

[applause]

[horn honks]

[bus pulls up]

You getting on or not?

You getting on

or not, man?

Here, keep the change.

Exact change.

2.75.

One, two...

Aah!

Sorry. I-I-I've never been

on a bus before.

Do you have $2.75, sir?

Aah.

One, two, three, um...

Sarah?

I don't know how much.

That's it.

No. Just one more quarter.

[farebox whirring]

[coins clink]

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