Keeping the Faith

1

(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)

The evening fell just like a star

Left a trail behind

You spit as you slammed out the door

If this is love we're crazy

We fight like cats and dogs

But I just know there's got to be more

Please call me, baby

Wherever you are

It's too cold to be out

walking in the streets

We do crazy things

when we're wounded

Everyone's a bit insane

I don't want you catching

your death of cold

Out walking in the rain

I admit that I ain't no angel

I admit that I ain't no saint

I'm selfish and I'm cruel

But you're blind

If I exorcise my devils

Well, my angels may leave too

When they leave they're so hard to find

Please call me, baby

Wherever you are

It's too cold to be out

walking in the streets

We do crazy things

when we're wounded

Everyone's a bit insane

I don't want you catching

your death of cold

Out walking in the rain

- (MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY)

- Answer me honestly.

If I was to tell you that I love you

and that I'd throw it all away

to be with you, what would you say?

Goodnight, Paulie.

Yup. Yup, that's about par

for the evening.

But what I wanna see

Is the way things used to be

Between you and me

The way things used to be...

(SOBBING)

Let me guess.

Your old lady got fed up

'cause you're chasing skirt,

so she took these little ones

and left you.

It's a little more complicated than that.

It always is. Everybody thinks

their story has a twist.

But in my experience...

- Holy sh*t.

- Exactly.

This I've got to hear.

It's a long story,

and I know you're very busy...

- I don't really feel like...

- Wait, wait. No, no, please.

Okay, now tell me, Father, how long

has it been since your last drink?

It's been about a minute

and a half since my last drink.

Now, what about these kids?

Okay. Well, you see the one

on the right?

The cute one? That's me.

- Very cute.

- Brian Finn.

Paulie Chopra.

This kid on the left

was my best friend, Jake.

- He's a priest, too?

- Jake? No. In fact, he's a rabbi.

C'mon. A priest and a rabbi?

I've heard this one.

I've heard all of those. Trust me,

you have not heard this one.

Okay? So there's this priest

and this rabbi, and they're best friends.

But before they were a priest

and a rabbi,

they both knew this girl.

PAULIE:
The girl.

- Who's the girl?

- That's Anna Reilly.

Reilly? Let me guess,

she became a nun?

Not quite. Not quite...

We all met in 6th grade at PS 84,

right here in Manhattan.

I think I already knew Jake,

then we both met Anna.

Actually, I remember exactly

how we met, 'cause...

Well, it was a defining moment.

After that,

we were pretty much inseparable.

Jake and I were

what you'd call "late bloomers,"

and a 7th grade girl's attentions

can be fickle, but not Anna.

Her loyalty to us was constant.

Anna was the friend

every 13-year-old boy dreams of.

That magical cross

between Jonny Quest

and Tatum O'Neal in Foxes.

We were some trio. Anna called us

"Two Micks and a Yid."

She was gonna make T-shirts.

There's 8 million people in New York,

but when we were together,

it felt like we lived on our own island.

But New York is an island.

I'm trying to sprinkle a little

fairy dust here, to tell a story!

I'm terribly sorry. Continue.

Go on, sprinkle away.

Well, then disaster struck.

The summer after 8th grade,

Anna's father got a job in California,

and just like that, she was gone.

As for me and Jake,

our friendship just got stronger.

We were like most kids in New York,

but there was one unusual component:

We were fascinated

with each other's religions.

He showed me

the secret rituals of Judaism,

and I revealed

the Catholic mysteries.

Just remember:

Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.

What makes two kids want to be

a priest and a rabbi nowadays?

People don't talk much

about a calling anymore,

but I knew it was what

I was supposed to do.

Even then, people felt good

bringing their problems to me.

My parents had given up

on children before me,

so my mother called me

her "gift from God."

That stuck with me, so at eight

I told her I felt I had to return the favor.

She was so happy, she cried.

My dad just wanted to know

if working for God came with dental.

Jake's sense of a calling

didn't gel as early as mine.

Religion was more of a hobby for him.

Got it, got it,

need it, need it,

got it, got it, need it, got it.

(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Jake was one of those special kids.

Smart, popular.

Everything came easy to him.

He had an aura.

You took one look at him, and you

knew he could do anything in life.

Jake's family had been in investment

banking for three generations.

His father and brother Ethan

wanted him to join the family firm.

I think he considered it,

but he wanted to do

something different with his life.

He made his decision to become

a rabbi with confidence and resolve.

I don't wanna listen to you!

We went off to seminary the way

other guys go off to the Peace Corps.

It was an adventure.

Newly ordained, we were both

assigned back to New York City,

where we quickly confronted

the practical aspects of our jobs.

(INDISTINCT)

(COUGHS)

- Ow! Oh!

- (CLUNK)

- (SNIPS)

- (BABY SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS) Jesus!

Despite these setbacks,

we found our groove.

Take it nice and easy.

Win them over slowly, okay?

Shabbat shalom, everyone!

I want you to do me a favor.

I want everybody in the back

to come and fill up the front rows.

Guys, come on! Let's try again.

Shabbat shalom!

- Shabbat shalom!

- Thank you, Mom.

Ma'am, you in the back, come on!

God hates a solo artist, I promise you.

We're the Fugees, no Lauryn Hills.

My mom was the only person here

at the level of shabbat shalom-iness

that I think we can hit.

Sir, you're leaving. It's customary

to sneak out after the communion.

Give me something I can work with!

Shabbat shalom!

- ALL:
Shabbat shalom!

- All right! Now we can daven!

BRIAN:
I don 't want to brag, but word

got out there was a new act in town,

and soon we played to the packed

houses I knew were our destiny.

(LAUGHTER)

I know. I know!

Seriously, what is the story of Sodom

and Gomorrah really about?

- Anyone? Steve Posner.

- Sexual perversion.

Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's

watching too much Spice Channel.

The Seven Deadly Sins. Who can

name the Seven Deadly Sins?

People! It was a film with Brad Pitt.

You have the ultimate Cliff Note!

And Lot takes them in and he protects

them. What happens next?

Anybody? Greta Mussbaum,

before she pulls her rotator cuff.

- God spares Lot and his family.

- Bingo! Two-week cruise for Greta!

You're going to the Bahamas!

When you think about it,

God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

He's always relied

on the kindness of strangers.

(INAUDIBLE)

That's what the story's about,

us taking care of each other.

God relies on us

to take care of each other.

The truth is, I don't really learn about

your faith by asking such questions.

Those aren't questions about faith,

they're about religion.

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