Keeping the Faith Page #2

It's important to understand

the difference between them,

because faith is not about

having the right answers.

Faith is a feeling, faith is a hunch.

It's a hunch that there is

something bigger, connecting it all.

Connecting us all together.

And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

Coming here on Sunday evening

to connect with that feeling,

that is an act of faith.

So all I have to do is look around

the room, at this packed church,

to know that we're doing pretty well

as a community.

Even if all of you failed

my pop quiz miserably.

Let us pray.

Jake and I wanted

to kick the dust off our faiths.

Bring them up to speed,

no more old routines.

Jake said, "We'll give them an

Old World God with a New Age spin."

(CHANTING)

Feel the prana!

We decided to turn

an abandoned disco

into a joint Catholic-Jewish

senior center/karaoke lounge.

A Fiddler on the Roof meets

Lord of the Dance

meets Buena Vista Social Club.

Not an easy idea to sell,

but we wanted to push the envelope.

We would bring our religions

into the 21 st century.

We were gonna shove them a little,

if we had to.

Jake said we'd be like young cops

shaking up the force.

You know. The God Squad.

(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)

Well, it's just like the ocean

under the moon

Well, that's the same as the emotion

that I get from you

You got the kind of loving

that can be so smooth, yeah

Give me your heart, make it real

Or else forget about it

I'll ring it.

Nice.

Oh!

Ben Lewis comes into my office

this morning, tells me he's retiring.

- Rabbi Lewis?

- Yeah.

- The end of an era.

- I know!

That's exciting. How long until

they give it over to you officially?

There are a few backward thinkers

on that board who don't get what I do.

Plus, there's the fact that I'm single.

- Single?

- Don't think that's not an issue.

Wait a minute. Are you serious?

If you don't find a nice Jewish girl soon,

you won't get the job?

I'm telling you, B'Nai Ezra

hasn't had a bachelor head rabbi

since the beginning of the synagogue.

Wow. I mean, you better start

getting out there more.

It's embarrassing.

Forget that.

You want to meet somebody, right?

I just want to meet somebody

in a spontaneous and casual manner.

- And it's impossible with me.

- Why?

- Because I'm a rabbi!

- Yes, yes. What's your point?

I don't know if a woman

goes out with me for me,

or because I'm Rabbi Jake, you know?

There's an expectation,

I can't go with my impulses...

Jews want rabbis to be the kind of

Jews they don't have the time to be.

And Catholics want priests

to have the discipline they don't have.

- We knew this.

- You're right.

Oh, no, man, check this out.

God Squad in the house!

- Hi, Shabazz.

- You gonna give it up, Rabbi?

Say your prayers,

because I am in no mood today.

Watch your ass, Shabazz!

(FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYING)

Turn me loose

Let's turn it up

Power to the people y'all

Turn me loose

Hey!

Oh!

- Bye. See you guys.

- Tell your mother I said hi.

I've gotta quit playing the guys from

Jewish seminary, it lowers the bar.

- Can I just say oy?

- Amen to your oy.

- What happened to our youth?

- It ended at 30.

Speaking of our youth,

I forgot to tell you.

- This is big. Guess who called me?

- Who?

Who is the coolest woman

you and I have ever known, ever?

- That's easy. Anna Reilly, 8th grade.

- You got it.

- What? She called you?

- Yeah!

- Anna Reilly called you?

- Totally out of the blue.

Why?

She's coming to New York for work,

and she wants to get together.

Really? What is she doing now?

She's analyzing synergies

or synergizing analogies.

I couldn't follow it,

she's a very high-powered business...

- Woman?

- Yes, thank you.

- Wow. You told her about us?

- Yeah, she flipped.

She laughed for ten minutes,

but she was excited.

- Man, that is so cool!

- I know.

- I wonder why she called you?

- What do you mean?

No, I mean, she called you.

- Are you in the 8th grade still?

- It's a legitimate question.

- I mean, we're both listed.

- Finn before Schram, okay?

- You're ridiculous.

- That's a good point. Alphabetical.

- Let's toss this, we look like idiots.

- Shut up, we do not!

You shut up.

Think she's changed?

No, I bet she still weighs 88 pounds

and listens to Leif Garrett.

For the record, it's Leif, long A.

Didn't you see Behind the Music?

BRIAN:
Admit it, you're excited.

The three of us together again.

I can't believe it!

- Is that her?

- No.

(AIRCRAFT ENGINE ROARING)

Wow.

- Hail Mary... full of something.

- Mary, full of...

Hello, boys!

- I don't understand.

- I'm like a plumber, I fix leaky firms.

- Whoa.

- Jake Schram. How are you?

Who are you? Tell me everything.

Give me the 411.

- Job, girls, news...

- Come on, I know him.

- You start, catch us up.

- All right. Job is good. Really good.

News:
My parents are happy

and retired, and I take yoga.

- Men?

- That's my life.

- Come on, don't cheat us.

- I don't have time for relationships.

I work like 100 hours a week,

you guys have no idea.

- Excuse me, we work pretty hard for...

- Yeah, working for the...

- That's a full-time thing.

- No, I work harder than God.

If he'd hired me, he'd have made

the world by Thursday.

- So you're saying we won't see you?

- No, for you guys, I will make time.

- Wow. I feel special.

- That's my bag.

- I got it.

- I got it.

- I got it!

- I got it. Give it to me.

- Okay, thanks. You okay?

- Yep, no, go.

ANNA:
Remember the names

of the kids from school?

BRIAN:
Remember Aram Salaam?

JAKE:
His father was a diplomat.

He said he had diplomatic immunity.

- Elan Portnoy?

- BRIAN:
He always complained.

- JAKE:
He was always smoking pot.

- (ALL LAUGH)

- ANNA:
Remember our shoplifting club?

- You had to steal to be a member.

You stuck that basketball under

your shirt and said you were pregnant.

- I pulled it off.

- You were 12.

It was New York in the '80s,

you could get away with anything.

- We should get home.

- Yeah, it's late.

I'm still on West Coast time.

It's 8:
00 for me. Let's do something.

So, this is a rectory.

Sounds like a dirty word. Rectory.

- Great place to meet chicks.

- Totally.

I'll bet. So, what's your chick situation?

Oh, um...

- Don't ask, it's not a good story.

- Why?

His congregation wants to set him up,

it makes him uncomfortable.

- Why?

- Pandas don't mate in captivity.

What does that mean?

All these mothers make dates

for me that I can't refuse.

They're intimidating.

They're like the Kosher Nostra.

Oh!

It's true. They're little women,

but very determined.

You're being melodramatic.

Oh, yeah? Check this out. I was faxed

one of their daughter's rsums.

- Let me see that. Ali Decker.

- Look at the bottom.

- Oh, she has a skills section.

- Yes?

You win. She put jogging as a skill.

She can't even differentiate

between a hobby and a skill.

- Maybe she's a skilled jogger.

- I have to date this girl!

- Why don't I say no?

- Why don't you?

I can't alienate them,

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote