Keeping the Faith Page #3

I need body count at the temple.

Just relax. It'll be fine.

Oh, God, please let this be painless.

- Hi!

- Hi!

Right on time. I like that in a rabbi.

- Hey, this is a great place.

- My lair.

- Really nice.

- Be ready in a second.

- A lot of space.

- I know. "Thanks, Daddy," right?

You go, girl!

No pain, no gain!

Oh, Tuesdays with Morrie.

I love that book.

I'm ready.

- You do these tapes?

- Are you kidding me?

- No.

- Are you kidding me?

- No.

- Exercise is like a religion to me.

No pun intended. Feel my abs!

- Not bad, right?

- Ouch!

- Punch me.

- Excuse me?

- You heard me.

- I'm not gonna punch you.

You'll find, Rabbi,

that this princess is no pushover.

I can tell. Call me Jake, all right?

Okay, let's get a few things

straight here, Jake.

One, I like you a lot, and unless

I'm wrong, I think you like me.

- Well, we just met...

- Two, I am many things.

No one thing defines me.

Are we clear about that, Jake?

- Yes.

- Then let me have it!

- I'm not gonna punch you.

- Punch me. Hit me!

- I can take it, I'm not scared.

- I know you're not.

- Are you a wuss?

- I'm not a wuss.

- Little wuss, little wuss...

- All right!

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- Just get my bag.

- Okay. You said you could take it...

- That headband's wonderful.

- I'm glad you noticed.

- What is that?

- It was beaded by the mentally retarded.

- It looks really good.

- They're heavily supervised.

- But it really seems to...

- It goes together well.

- No, that's all...

- Get away from the table!

No, no! Whoa, that's okay.

Here, don't! Here, thank you.

You're flushing it down the toilet!

He'll spend it on booze.

I had a great time.

Thank you, it was wonderful.

- Goodnight.

- Don't you want to come up?

- I shouldn't...

- Believe me, you should.

No, I can't.

You're a congregant, and you know...

I'm telling you, you can. I want you to.

I... I would love to, I just... I got a...

I have a friend at home.

- A friend?

- A male friend. A guy.

A dog. A male dog.

A beautiful puppy named Pinkus.

- Pinkus can wait.

- No, he's a Rottweiler.

Just come up for a minute.

Whoa, no, don't! No, listen to me,

this dog is a co-dependent puppy,

he needs my help or he goes

to the bathroom over everything.

- Well, send me the cleaning bill. Go.

- No, don't go, stay.

- You are making me crazy, Rabbi!

- You're making me so...

- Just come up for a minute!

- No. No.

- I can't!

- Just come on!

- Are you okay? Good!

- Oh, wow!

Go, go! Thanks, I had

a wonderful time! See you in shul!

Are you playing games with me, Phil?

Are you sure?

Because you know

better than that, right?

Okay. If those results are correct,

then I say we have a deal.

I'll expect it in writing

by the end of the day.

Yes, by the end of the day, Phil.

Did I stutter?

Phil, I don't have time for this, okay?

(GASPS) Gotta go, Phil. Gotta go.

No way.

Oh, yeah, baby.

(CLEARS THROA AND READS IN HEBREW)

(VOICE KEEPS CRACKING)

Okay, it's okay. Take a break.

I suck. They'll take away my yarmulke.

- You don't suck.

- I suck.

Okay, yes, you do suck. But that's okay,

you're supposed to suck.

This isn't a talent contest,

it's a rite of passage.

This happens in all cultures,

it's about you being 13.

God knows your voice changes,

that's why you do your haftorah now.

It's a challenge.

God is challenging you.

He's calling you a chump!

You gotta come back at him!

Say, "Hey, hashem,

"you think you can scare me

'cause my balls haven't dropped yet?"

I'm serious! You gotta show him

what Alan Klein's made of!

- How?

- By sucking with style! Embrace it!

- Say, "I love that I suck."

- I love that I suck.

Good! But own it.

Say it, "I love that I suck!"

- I love that I suck!

- (PHONE RINGING)

Good. You play.

- I love that I suck.

- Keep going with that.

I'll see you next week. Hello?

- Hello?

- You suck! Hey, Anna?

I thought I got the Tony Robbins hotline.

- Sorry, just finishing up. How are you?

- How was the big date?

That's funny. I had an impulse to call

you, but I thought it was too late.

You should have, I was stuck here.

- Really?

- So, how'd it go?

Mostly horrible, with a few brief

moments of excruciating agony.

- But at least it was long.

- I'm so sorry. What a waste.

People should have to qualify

to go out with you.

You're too precious

to be on the open market.

- That's what I tell them.

- They should listen to you.

- If only you were Jewish.

- Well, nobody's perfect.

- So, what did you wear?

- What?

I'm not telling you what I wore.

Why should I?

I want an image of a young rabbi

on the prowl. What's your game?

- All right. Blue button-down shirt.

- A good color for your eyes.

Blue pinstripe suit.

I can picture that.

Tasteful, yet with a quiet power.

- That's me. Chic, with a quiet power.

- Shoes?

- Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather.

- Size?

- Big.

- Ow!

- Wanna hear about my tie?

- Baby, no. Save room for dessert.

- Don't give up hope.

- I'll keep it alive.

- Goodbye, Mr. Sharp-Dressed Man.

- Bye-bye.

Oh, nice!

I have a friend here

I thought you might want to see.

Will you please turn

to page 508 for Ein Keloheinu.

Sorry, Raphae, hang on a second.

I have to say this first because

it's really been bothering me.

Ein Keloheinu. It's a joyous song.

It's a prayer about praising the Lord,

telling the Lord

how much we love Him, or Her.

But no matter what I do,

you don't sing it with any feeling.

I mean, I brought in the band.

That didn't work.

I brought in my bongos last week.

I think we can all agree

that was a backwards step.

So, this morning,

I'm bringing in a little outside help.

Maury, if you would!

(SINGING)

(SINGING GOSPEL-STYLE)

- You can even sing along. Come on!

- (INAUDIBLE)

Have a little fun with it!

That's right. Get up! Get those butts

out of the chairs. Come on!

Up in the cheap seats!

I can't hear you up there. Sing it out!

Over 70!

Come on, all the young Jews!

(ROOM HUMS WITH EXCITEMENT)

- You were wonderful!

- Rabbi! Rabbi!

(INDISTINCT)

This is astonishing!

This is a house of worship!

If my grandfather had seen this...

This is my daughter Ruthie.

She's going to be a physiotherapist.

Rabbi, you're so wonderful.

You know my daughter Hillary.

(CONFUSED INDISTINCT BABBLE)

Jake, Bonnie Rose.

Have you met my daughter Rachel?

- Hi, Jake.

- Oh, hi!

We don't often get celebrities here.

Once when I was young,

Bella Abzug showed up for a bris...

I've heard so much about you.

The service was wonderful.

- Oh.

- You were really, really wonderful.

- We're all aware of your success.

- She's now in network prime time.

- Look, we get on a live feed.

- My mom does all my PR.

- I know what you mean. Mine, too.

- No, my mother's firm does my PR.

I'm at PMK.

We got her special correspondent.

Great!

- She just interviewed Arafat.

- Yasser?

- In Arabic.

- That's great, I didn't know.

What you don't know is a lot.

You two should get together.

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